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I don't know what to do please help
#1
I have been with this guy for a while now and he has finally admitted that he is bisexual. When we initially had our relationship he would do everything as far as having sex with me.

Things have changed for the longest time and now the only thing that he allows me to do is to give him head and he will kiss and we do contact with each other but he won't do anything else.

I had a conversation with him yesterday about that I wanted to have more and he said that "I would have to think long and hard about it." He also states many times that "A relationship shouldn't be based upon sex." He will state "If we never have sex that shouldn't end our relationship."

Now that he has admitted that he is bisexual that obviously means that he is into both girls and guys sexually. The thing that I don't understand is that he will say that he won't do anything with other guys but yet he knows that doesn't make sense and it seems like he is playing games with me.

He told me that if he decided to do anything with a guy that he would bring them back to his place and I told him that if he were going to bring a guy home and go through all that effort it would be more than just to let the guy give him head and we all know that no one is going to go through all that effort just to do something like that. And the fact that he admits that he is bisexual says that he would do stuff with another guy.

I have told him numerous times that I have been thinking about ending things with him and when I do he will say "I don't want you to leave we have become so close and so forth." Tonight I wanted to go up and see him and this is the first time in a long time that he says when I asked him if I could come up, "No you're fine I got to work in the morning." And then he says that I can stop up if I want but no point in doing so because he is going to go to bed early and no point wasting gas."

The thing is that he always asks me to spend the night and many times I don't do it because I have other things going on and this time he is responding in this way. I wanted to get your views on what he is trying to say and it seems like he isn't interested in me anymore. It sounds like he really isn't sexually attracted to me and just allows me to give him head so that it's not like he isn't doing anything but to me that isn't love. Has anyone else ever experienced this before with someone?
#2
Hi mtimble
First let me say, Welcome to GS.

OK , with the information you have given here , it is hard to tell what is going on, as I only have your side to go by.

Not that I would tell you what to do , if I had all the facts before me.
What ever you decide , should be your choice and no one else' s.

I can not help but wonder , how much of the fears and suspicion that you are experiencing, are in fact insecurities left over by past experiences.
If I were to give you any advise at all , it is that you and your partner need to have a really long talk.

Tell him how you feel, and make sure the boundaries of acceptability are crystal clear.
If you feel used at any time , let him know .
The best thing you can do for your relationship is to air the grievances.

Above all else , do not let unvalidated suspicions ruin your happiness.
#3
Yep and when I first started dating my current partner (well over a decade ago) we had sex in the shower, sex on the kitchen table, sex on the couch, sex in the woodshed... Lots of things, even used Fred (a dildo).... Fred hasn't been in the bed for about 11 years.... Ah fun times... Now we rarely have sex at all an its exclusively in bed. This is normal for relationships - get used to it.

Quote:"A relationship shouldn't be based upon sex." He will state "If we never have sex that shouldn't end our relationship."

I concur. I'm in a long, long term relationship and sex plays a minimal role in it, largely due to health concerns, however stress, work schedules, lack of time and various other minor things also have a somewhat large impact on how much sex we have and what we do. If it was all about the sex I would have been single for the past decade.

Quote:He told me that if he decided to do anything with a guy that he would bring them back to his place and I told him that if he were going to bring a guy home and go through all that effort it would be more than just to let the guy give him head and we all know that no one is going to go through all that effort just to do something like that.


Sounds rhetorical to me. Meaning he is not planning on bringing another guy back, he is only saying that if on some off change he did, he wouldn't only want oral sex from them. YOU are reading more into this.
Quote:And the fact that he admits that he is bisexual says that he would do stuff with another guy.

Bull shit. The 'fact' that he is bisexual most likely means that guy or gal all they should expect is a bit of oral sex.... The only fact here is you are reading more into what it means to bisexual than applies to him.

Quote:I have told him numerous times that I have been thinking about ending things with him and when I do he will say "I don't want you to leave we have become so close and so forth."

Your lucky you are with him. You tell me something like this three times you would find yourself single.

I view empty threats as game playing, and personally if you have been using this threat often that is most likely the reason why he doesn't want to do anything more with you and most likely is the real reason he doesn't want you around.

Each time you use that threat you cause harm, you cause emotional stress and turmoil... he may not cry outwardly, he may not tell you its hurtful, but it is hurtful. Its not going to make him more willing to do other things, and it definitely isn't going to make him more willing to have you spend the night.

So what I see is you having to high of expectations, you having a lot of myth on what bisexual is and means, you reading more into what he says, you being emotional abusive, you having a lot of hangups that you are transposing onto him.

The problem is, in short, you.
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#4
Bowyn Aerrow thanks for your reply. I am the problem and you're correct. It is ok for him to play mind games with me and do all sorts of things but I am the problem and you're correct.

I also never thought about that when having a relationship with someone that sex shouldn't be part of it. I'm not saying I want to have sex every single day but as you have stated from the sounds of it that when you initially meet someone that you do have wild sex and then it eventually leads to minimal or none whatsoever.

I have the wrong interpretation when it comes to having a relationship and the best thing for me to do is not to enter into one. I need to focus on myself and stop thinking about this guy and move on.

The best thing for me to do is just to watch porn and get my pleasure of of that. At least that way I'm getting pleasure but I don't have to worry about having sex and wondering about someone else.

The thing that you don't understand is that he has had a girlfriend and he cheats on them with other girls -- but that's ok for him to do that, but when it comes to his girlfriend doing stuff with someone else it's totally unacceptable. That's the norm and not saying you're agreeing with this but that's the general consensus of people these days.

Also when he has been with me he has flirted with other guys, and even made me feel uncomfortable in the sense that he has put them before me -- but that's ok for him to do so. He will make random comments about sexual stuff with others and what he basically wants to do is be able to say them -- but when people such as myself question him on something that he has said he will just say oh he was joking and all.

He will say one thing and then when it comes to his actions and a situation happens he will do the complete opposite of what he says. Such as he will say I would never do this or that but then when the opportunity presents itself then he does. So Bowyn Aerrow you're correct I'm the problem and as you stated the problem is with YOU (meaning me). It's ok for someone to do whatever they want to you but when you react a certain way then it's not right and the problem is YOU (meaning myself) and he is a perfect angel.

You have helped me out and now I know that a relationship is not right for me. And incidentally I have told him all about me and always been honest with him but when it comes to him he has always been all over the map -- never consistent. He's right to be that way. People such as me who are honest are the odd ones and are wrong -- again the problem is YOU (meaning me) and I live in an entirely different world which is wrong and his way is right. Thank you Bowyn Aerrow for helping me to know that I have everything all wrong and incorrect. Oh and he said to me when I asked him while he has been with me if he has ever thought of doing stuff with another guy and he said technically yeah. I asked him who it was and he wouldn't tell me who it was. But, when he asked me who I have been involved with and any personal things I have always told him about it. But, again he is right to not tell me and be candid. So if he has cheated with multiple girls while having a girlfriend and admitted this I guess I am wrong to be suspect about it.

And when I said that he is bisexual and wants that means he wants to meet another guy -- I meant to say that him being bisexual and saying that he would bring another guy back to his place means that he would do more than oral sex and that if he is bisexual obviously he is sexually attracted toward guys.

The think that I feel is that if I only can give him head -- and when it comes to the chance that he would do something with another guy if he did meet them and do more with them doesn't make me feel really good. But again you're correct Bowyn Aerrow I am the problem and I need to not be in any relationship period.
#5
mtimble Wrote:The thing that you don't understand is that he has had a girlfriend and he cheats on them with other girls -- but that's ok for him to do that,

I failed to read that in your first post.

Are we changing the story or are there other details that you expect me to read from a tarot deck of cards???? My Crystal ball is broken - I only have the information you provide to give 'advice' on.

I replied to what you wrote. No where did you mention his habit of cheating, or flirting or all of these other 'new' things in your second post.

Suddenly we now have a whole different story - lots of new information. That changes my advice.

Recalculating, New Directions:


Leave him.

Unless there is more to the story (most likely is)....
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