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I'm so goddamn lonely
#1
I don't know why I'm posting. I just need to vent. I am in my late 20s and finally came out. I've been dating a wonderful girl who I legitimately love for a very log time. I'm scared that I'm actually 100% gay. Since coming out to her and everyone around me as bi, it seems like my fantasies and imaginings of the future involve me being with a guy. It's not a purely sexual attraction, I can't really explain it. I don't have gay friends. I have been to some gay bars, used online dating, attended a pride fest and becoming comfortable with not being straight. But I still feel so completely alone. She accepts my sexuality and it doesn't seem to bother her, but since coming out I feel considerably less attracted to her physically. I stay emotionally attached though. We have even opened our relationship to where I have the liberty to explore the homosexual side of my sexuality. But I don't want sex. I want a man to fee close to in a romantic sense. Ugh, I just can't make sense of how I feel anymore. I can't leave her even though that seems like the responsible decision. And I have trouble meeting guys because I'm slightly intimidated and nervous with social anxiety. I can't really have an ongoing relationship with a man if that opportunity came, because I'm with my girlfriend. She tries to understand but I can't share every thought in my head. I feel so alone and for some reason it feels like having a sweet, sympathetic guy to spend time with would fix everything. But maybe it would just cause more problems. I don't know. This is awful.
#2
Well let me be the first to welcome you to GS Smile

I can tell you a lot of gay guys have trouble finding a relationship with a guy, or what you're describing. It is out there but it is hard to find.

All I can say is try to not feel so intimidated, you'll be surprised to find that most everyone, even the guy you might be speaking to is nervous and intimidated.

I will say it is good that your girl friend has been supportive to this level, that is definitely not common. What I will say is that most gay guys are going to expect sex at some point, kind of comes with the turf. On the other hand not every guy is motivated by sex either. I will say sex, while not always the important thing, is still an important area to explore. It might not be your cup of tea. I'm going to tell you there isn't anything wrong with you taking the time to figure things out.

Also one thing to keep in mind is that sexuality is not black and white, that is ok, there's a lot to it. I will say if a guy you think is worth parting with your girlfriend with then ok. Just slow down, don't break it off, she's giving you the space you need to explore that side. Sounds like a very good girlfriend who thinks a lot about you, otherwise she would have dumped you by now if you ask me.

My question though is how do you feel about your girlfriend not considering your coming out?
#3
You already know the right thing to do is to leave your girlfriend, you are basically stringing her along at this point. But if you can't do that you at least need to work up the courage to tell her what you're feeling. It's the least she deserves after she's been so open and understanding with you.

As for what you're feeling, it sounds like you might be what I am. A man who's technically bisexual but to all intents and purposes might as well be gay, only able to form lasting sexual relationships with men.

BUT The one and only way to be sure is to experiment and see if you're still drawn exclusively to men after the novelty has worn off.

You need to be brave bud, for you and your girlfriend's sake.
#4
Well, I guess the worry about the "novelty" of dating men, is that maybe it will subside and I don't want to throw away a great relationship with a caring, patient girl. She's allowing me to see other people, and of course in that bargain she's free to as well, but she hasn't been. I have a favorable situation to explore confusing feelings, although I do feel guilty. I have went on some dates, and slept with a couple guys. I feel a little pressured that sex is expected so quickly, and it's not really my focus, although I do enjoy it. I guess I'm somewhat "demisexual" and need to have a connection before I really feel like it. I feel like I should break up with my girlfriend, or that she should have dumped me. But, I haven't been able to come to terms with that thought. I'm not yet convinced that I'm gay, and to be honest if I was, it would at least make the issue simple. I would have a clear attraction more towards men and would have to let my girlfriend go. But, as everything stands, I do feel attraction for her and it's being masked by this new exploration. It's so confusing to not be able to understand my own attractions. I can't even talk to her about this weird loneliness because she would be understandably upset. Although I have went on some dates and things, I haven't found a guy that I felt super connected with and wanted to progress further. She is forgiving and understanding but incapable of "scratching the itch" for whatever idea of homosexual connection I've imagined. We are close, but something unexplainable seems missing lately, and it's only become apparent to my after coming out. I felt very satisfied for years, even though I knew I liked men. It wasn't until I was able to be open about it that it started to become confusing.
#5
axle2152 Wrote:My question though is how do you feel about your girlfriend not considering your coming out?
I don't quite understand the question. I think she's the most amazing woman I've ever met. She is gentle, compassionate, and sweet. Her personality is the opposite of mine, but we have so many similar interests or complimentary personality quirks. I do love her. We have talked about marriage, and have been dating for six years, at points living together but not currently. I was head over heels for her, and it still bothers me how badly I've caused her to worry with coming out.
#6
It sounds as though you do not have many friends outside your relationship with your girlfriend. It might help you to find some male friends in a non-sexual, non-dating context. I think that it is a good thing for guys to have guy friends and girls to have girl friends who are social and not sexual. Go online and play video games with other guys. Find a drinking club. Join a service club or whatever. Look for a MeetUp group. Join a choir.

Meeting your needs is a matter of having friendships and not all friendships are sexual relationships.

And welcome to Gayspeak. I hope you enjoy hanging out here and joining in the forums. It is a good crew and most are willing to talk things over. Relax and enjoy the place!
I bid NO Trump!
#7
[MENTION=23951]1145[/MENTION] Well that's why I am very hesitant to tell you to just up and leave her. Gay, bi or whatever, if you're deeply in love with her then that's great. I do want to drive home that finding the same thing with a guy is going to be harder if anything. That's just from my experience. If you are looking to mess around sexually with a guy to see if you like it, I don't see any harm in it.

Have you had any gay experiences before? I mean it sounds more like you want to have a close male friend... You indicated that it isn't purely sexual?

I mean if you ask me we're all a little bit bi, some guys are more inclined to be gay than others. Like me, there have been times since I have come out as gay that I felt that I would do better with a woman and want to have kids an all that. However, I just feel like I connect to guys better on those terms.
#8
Hey, hang in there.

If you want someone to talk to, feel free to hit me up here on chat. I can listen. Smile
#9
1145 Wrote:I don't know why I'm posting. I just need to vent. I am in my late 20s and finally came out. I've been dating a wonderful girl who I legitimately love for a very log time. I'm scared that I'm actually 100% gay. Since coming out to her and everyone around me as bi, it seems like my fantasies and imaginings of the future involve me being with a guy. It's not a purely sexual attraction, I can't really explain it. I don't have gay friends. I have been to some gay bars, used online dating, attended a pride fest and becoming comfortable with not being straight. But I still feel so completely alone. She accepts my sexuality and it doesn't seem to bother her, but since coming out I feel considerably less attracted to her physically. I stay emotionally attached though. We have even opened our relationship to where I have the liberty to explore the homosexual side of my sexuality. But I don't want sex. I want a man to fee close to in a romantic sense. Ugh, I just can't make sense of how I feel anymore. I can't leave her even though that seems like the responsible decision. And I have trouble meeting guys because I'm slightly intimidated and nervous with social anxiety. I can't really have an ongoing relationship with a man if that opportunity came, because I'm with my girlfriend. She tries to understand but I can't share every thought in my head. I feel so alone and for some reason it feels like having a sweet, sympathetic guy to spend time with would fix everything. But maybe it would just cause more problems. I don't know. This is awful.

First of all, well congratulations to you because you find a girl that understand your situation and doesn't seems bothered by it.

I think that maybe you need a friend... a male friend first which is gay and speak with him about this situation. I know this is going to sound weird but maybe he will gonna be open to the fact that you wanna try to do a few "gay couples things" just because you wanna know. I remembered being in a job where my boss was gay and he had a friend that he treated like if he was his partner but they were nothing, just friends. I repeat it sounds weird to me but maybe you can try it...
#10
1145 Wrote:I don't know why I'm posting. I just need to vent. I am in my late 20s and finally came out. I've been dating a wonderful girl who I legitimately love for a very log time. I'm scared that I'm actually 100% gay. Since coming out to her and everyone around me as bi, it seems like my fantasies and imaginings of the future involve me being with a guy. It's not a purely sexual attraction, I can't really explain it. I don't have gay friends. I have been to some gay bars, used online dating, attended a pride fest and becoming comfortable with not being straight. But I still feel so completely alone. She accepts my sexuality and it doesn't seem to bother her, but since coming out I feel considerably less attracted to her physically. I stay emotionally attached though. We have even opened our relationship to where I have the liberty to explore the homosexual side of my sexuality. But I don't want sex. I want a man to fee close to in a romantic sense. Ugh, I just can't make sense of how I feel anymore. I can't leave her even though that seems like the responsible decision. And I have trouble meeting guys because I'm slightly intimidated and nervous with social anxiety. I can't really have an ongoing relationship with a man if that opportunity came, because I'm with my girlfriend. She tries to understand but I can't share every thought in my head. I feel so alone and for some reason it feels like having a sweet, sympathetic guy to spend time with would fix everything. But maybe it would just cause more problems. I don't know. This is awful.

For what it's worth, my first long-term relationship was with a woman. I was about your age. I knew I was gay but I met this beautiful young woman and we fell in love. I came out to her and she accepted it. Like you, she said that it was ok for me to explore my homosexuality. However, in the context of my relationship with her, I chose NOT to do that. It was just too confusing. What this meant for me is that I had a very fulfilling romantic relationship with another human being but my sex life was less than ideal. We lived together (never married) for over 10 years. I don't regret it.

That said, at a certain point (late 30s), I began to feel that I *needed* to have a romantic and sexual relationship with a man. So, after a lot of soul-searching, I decided we needed to "redefine" our relationship. That is to say, we were no longer a couple. We *have* remained a part of one another's lives even to this day (over 40 years now). We're like brother and sister.

Yes, I have had two long-term gay relationships but those are other stories.
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