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Anonymous · 05-27-2015, 03:45 AM

Some years ago I was expelled from school. I had failed a grade twice and the school said I was retarded. The court sent me for some tests ,my IQ was found to be 136, above average.
Where it gets even more weird is that the court declared me to be a delinquent and sent me to a reform school. I was there for 18 mos.
I saw boys get raped, it was attempted on me. I had sex with a number of guys willingly, I often wonder if I would have ever had sex with another guy if I had not been sent there, I was "innocent" when I arrived, I had no idea of how sex worked, I had only masturbated one time before I went there.
I was beat with straps and knocked around by the staff, I have flash backs and dreams about the place.
I sometimes cry when I think about it.
But, here's the weird part, I feel guilty for not getting over it by now, I have been told to "put it behind me".
I don't drink, do drugs I just hate what happened. I must admit that at times I want to die,
just to get it out of my mind.
Would I be gay if I would not have gone through this? I prefer to think that I was born this way, I just don't know.

05-27-2015, 03:50 AM

I am sorry you had to go through those experiences. Many of us have had painful childhoods, but was it because we were gay or were we gay because of the sadistic atmospheres of our environments? I don't think we we can ever really know. All that matters is who we are and what kind of people we are now...

(((HUGS)))
~Beaux

kjames · 05-27-2015, 04:14 AM

I truly care about your situation. I would see a therapist that is gay friendly and get a damn lawyer!! Prayers to you friend. This is HORRIBLE! You mentioned some serious things here. Please utilize the following numbers if you need it.
Need help? United States:
1 (800) 273-8255
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Hours: 24 hours, 7 days a week
Languages: English, Spanish
Website: http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline .org

05-27-2015, 11:19 AM

Writing about your experiences is a good step.

Talking about it would be even better.

You should seek out a qualified therapist and work through the obvious anguish you still feel about this.

And no, the school did not make you a homo.

Anonymous · 05-27-2015, 12:01 PM

Thanks to all of you for your response, I know that I need to see a pro, I just need to do it,
I have always been seen as the guy who everyone else turns to for help, the one with the answers, the people in my family refuse to believe that I have any problems.
If they knew the truth it would be a shock.
They are the ones who get drunk, do drugs, go to rehab and turn to me for help and comfort.
My life is a faÃ§ade.

05-27-2015, 02:51 PM

Flashbacks, dreams, etc - all signs of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Guilt and other messed up feelings over this is also typical of PTSD.

I have a "slightly messed up childhood" which I have struggled with for decades. At age 49 I have accomplished a lot in beating back many of the demons, but the reality is there is still a long way to go.

I made the mistake of waiting until I was in my 30's before I seriously addressed 'shit' - through professionals.

The older one gets the more difficult it is to 'rewire' the brain.

As others have said, get a therapist, and start working through this 'shit'.

Therapy helped me a lot with dealing with triggers - just recognizing them went a long way at making life more manageable. I'm currently on prazosin which has been reducing the nightmares a goodly amount. I'm still on the finding the therapeutic dosage stage.

There are also other medications out there which can help with things like flashbacks, anxiety, depression - but finding the right one that works for you can be hit and miss.

Mind all the drugs will do is make it possible for you to go through life not being hamstrung with the emotional symptoms. The drugs will NOT deal with the underlying cause - that takes therapy.

MikeW · 05-27-2015, 07:11 PM

Anonymous Wrote:Thanks to all of you for your response, I know that I need to see a pro, I just need to do it,
I have always been seen as the guy who everyone else turns to for help, the one with the answers, the people in my family refuse to believe that I have any problems.
If they knew the truth it would be a shock.
They are the ones who get drunk, do drugs, go to rehab and turn to me for help and comfort.
My life is a faÃ§ade.

Your life may be a "faÃ§ade" in the sense that you (understandably) haven't shared the full truth of it with the people around you -- BUT DO NOT BEAT YOURSELF UP FOR THIS. Doing so has been a SURVIVAL MECHANISM for you. This is how you've learned to get through the day. We *all* have these kinds of mechanisms.

The problem in your case is that you NEED to reveal the truth and deal with it more effectively than simply keeping it hidden, right? So it is very important that you find a qualified professional who can hear what you've been through (trauma) and provide you with insight and tools for dealing with it more effectively.

LJay · 06-03-2015, 08:44 PM

I would say that coping with this for such a long time indicates that you have a lot more to you than just a facade. The very best to you as you work things out.

Anonymous · 06-04-2015, 03:48 AM

MikeW Wrote:Your life may be a "faÃ§ade" in the sense that you (understandably) haven't shared the full truth of it with the people around you -- BUT DO NOT BEAT YOURSELF UP FOR THIS. Doing so has been a SURVIVAL MECHANISM for you. This is how you've learned to get through the day. We *all* have these kinds of mechanisms.

The problem in your case is that you NEED to reveal the truth and deal with it more effectively than simply keeping it hidden, right? So it is very important that you find a qualified professional who can hear what you've been through (trauma) and provide you with insight and tools for dealing with it more effectively.

I am sorry that I didn't respond sooner, I was trying to "cool off", after I encounter a trigger of some kind it takes me a while to snap out of it. When I get back to being myself, I find that I am drawn to the place like a moth to a flame, they have a page on facebook, I monitor what they do, I have called them and asked if they still beat the boys or if rapes still occur, they tell me no.
What kills me is that they brag about how they have served "troubled" boys. I have Googled some names of the boys I knew, one is in prison for life, he is a serial killer.
Another got out of prison a few years back, he was a sex offender.
I know what went on, one night a staff member let a boy who had come back to visit after turning 18 spend the night in our dorm, I just layed there as he raped an 11 year old. I was 13 or 14, I was afraid to do anything, I still see it.
I told a few lies and got the staff member fired, this got me beat with a strap after standing in the sun with a book held out in each arm, as well as bounced off of a wall for a while and smacked in the head.
The place now offers help for children that have been traumatized, maybe I should see what they recommend for me.
I once again thank all of you, I am doing better, I will be seeing my doctor soon and get a referral from him.

kjames · (Edited 06-04-2015, 05:09 AM by kjames.)

When you are good for you and things become more manageable. I truly pray you begin to find the courage to stand strong and believe in yourself enough to voice your story to the ones that can help stop the nightmares of yours and others. I am very glad you are getting some professional help. Always know that "You Matter"
Blessing for healing to you Bro.
-Kevin