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I think my family hates me...
#1
I really hate ranting like this, but i've discovered that it helps me cope a little better to get this stuff out. Now, that being said...

So I don't this is particularly because I came-out, but I've always kinda felt like I was not wanted and that I didn't really belong. It sucks feeling this way from strangers or other acquaintances, but to feel this way from my own family really kills me.

I can't even muster up the will to speak out about this anymore because every time I've said something about how I felt in the past they attack me with guilt and shame. I've been told that I was too sensitive.

I think I might be a little paranoid, but the fact is that I still can't shake this feelings. These emotions grew when I came-out and it peaked again today when my mom practically told me that a demon was inside of me when I told her that I didn't believe in God anymore. I don't feel like I can talk to them. They don't understand me and I don't want any and all emotions I feel to be attributed to the equally unbelievable Satan character. It has gotten to the point that the social anxiety I feel around strangers, I feel at home around my own family.

At least one good thing came out of this, I won't be going to church anymore in attempts to keep up appearances.
#2
i'm sorry you have to go through this. do you have any friends you can turn to, just for emotional support? not everyone thinks like your family does, i can assure you.

Love2

1luvu
#3
First...the most important thing.... Knuddel Knuddel Knuddel

Now that is out of the way...remember one thing...you cannot choose your family....and there are soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo many people who feel like you do...you are definitely not alone....

As for the guilt and shame...these tools only work for as long as you give them power over you. You can take it away from them...they don't even have to know it.

One of the foundations in life for me...

Someone else can only own the part of you that you don't own...and that is how guilt and shame and fear have the power they do over so many people.

When you are comfortable in your own skin...and accept and love yourself (no easy feat...but it is doable)...and you are true to yourself...none of those tools will have any power over you anymore....

So turn your attention to the positive parts of life and begin stepping into your own shoes...and understand that they are who they are...and you have no power to change who they are...

Oh yeah...one more Knuddel
#4
Life's not fair, and some people do have crappy families. I don't know if your situation is actual or perceived, but either way you're still free to go forth and create your own new surrogate family. Surround yourself with close friends and loved ones whom do support you.
#5
Borg69 Wrote:Life's not fair, and some people do have crappy families. I don't know if your situation is actual or perceived, but either way you're still free to go forth and create your own new surrogate family. Surround yourself with close friends and loved ones whom do support you.

This is really excellent advice...I have no family except a father I haven't heard from in close to 9 years, so the family I've forged is even more precious to me.

And honestly, I don't believe that they hate you. They don't understand you, and people fear and feel threatened by things that they don't understand. if you choose to live a life that's radically different from theirs, it calls all their choices and decisions into question. That can be pretty scary for people whose belief system is rigidly defined.

And yeah...I know that none of this helps on a feeling level, all I can say is Knuddel

Elefant Stay Strong Elefant
#6
There's a good saying I like pulling out in situations like this - "once you know a well is dry, don't keep going back to it expecting it to be full". Your family apparently isn't big on support. Sadly, it happens. That just means you'll have to look for it elsewhere - your friends, your colleagues, yourself.

Lex
#7
^^^ Points to what [MENTION=21075]Borg69[/MENTION], [MENTION=22470]Pyromancer[/MENTION], and [MENTION=21778]Lexington[/MENTION] said.

I come from a family where there is NO doubt as to the attitude directed my way. I wouldn't say that they hate me, but.... they sure as HELL don't like me. My father encouraged my extended family to berate, belittle, and just all around make my life hell my entire life due to my proclivities. Just as HE did the same.

What I've learned is... you can't change a leopard's spots. They are what they are. If that's closed minded bullies or bible quoting hypocrites or any other combination of something that's hurtful to you.... it's not going to change however much you want it to. It's just the way it is. That's why you get to choose your friends. For some, this is the only support system they'll have in life. So find some good ones, yeah?
[Image: Signature500.jpg][Image: Signature502.jpg]
#8
Sorry you're dealing with this, [MENTION=22088]chibigiraffe[/MENTION] , but as others are saying, we just have to create our own "families" when it does. I sure did.
.
#9
thanks all for the great responses! i really appreciate it.

meridannight Wrote:i'm sorry you have to go through this. do you have any friends you can turn to, just for emotional support? not everyone thinks like your family does, i can assure you.

Love2

1luvu

i don't have anyone in my life i would consider a friend. there is my family and people at church i grew up with (and now that i'm not going back there that just leaves my family...). i reached out to a few people i hang out with at high school in order to come out to them. two responded back and i've been in contact with them a little.

also, i have my cousins. they have showed me support, but they all live in different states from me.

Borg69 Wrote:Life's not fair, and some people do have crappy families. I don't know if your situation is actual or perceived, but either way you're still free to go forth and create your own new surrogate family. Surround yourself with close friends and loved ones whom do support you.

thanks, i'm not sure if the situation is just my perception or not either, but the fact that i perceive it this way still isn't good. i'm just biding my time until i'm able to leave home.

in fact, i just checked my email and i finally have a response from the school i applied to. i'm so nervous to actually open it though, because if this falls through than i'm pretty much doomed.... Facepalm
#10
Do it. Better to know than to not know. Smile

Lex


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