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Just getting anxious
#1
I have no problem posting this without the "anonymous" thing, but I am forced to because my girlfriend has a tendency to come here and check up on what I write...

I'm Zack T, and I'm just so fucking ready for a man Sad

I am still Bi, I am still very turned on by women, but I am semi-obsessed with the notion of being with another man sexually. I am also hopeful about being in a relationship with one.

I was having a real nice chat with another member here (who I won't name for their privacy's sake) that was pretty...nice Wink and it did nothing but reinforce the fact that I won't be able to completely get this out of my head until I experience it. I can sometimes turn it down a bit, focus on other things for awhile, but in inevitably comes roaring back and until I finally get it on, I won't be able to move on.

I'm kinda worried about the actual act, whenever it happens. I mean, I'm worried about having an "accident" (I am a bottom and I know what I'm supposed to do to clean out but I still worry), I'm worried that it won't end up feeling as good as I'd imagined or that it won't turn me on in real life like it does in my head. I'm worried that maybe I'll end up getting unlucky and just have a bad fuck as a first male mate. I'm also worried that maybe I'll like it as much as I think I will, and end up staying just as obsessed, or even more obsessive than I am now.

I'm impatient. I wish I could experience this now, but I can't. I'm not using this initial post as anything to go trashing on my girlfriend, because despite her faults, she's still a great person and I have no intention to go cheating on her. But I also can't just end things because it'd financial wreck us. I'd be left with no vehicle, not enough money to pay my bills, and she'd be left with about the same situation except she'd have the vehicle (it's in her dads name).

So I'm basically stuck waiting it out until I either get a better job that allows me to take care of myself, or someone comes along and sweeps me away (Which isn't real life thinking, that's movie fiction).



But I wanted to thank you all here, I've received more positive attention and interaction here with you guys than I have from women my whole life, which I find funny. And most of that attention hasn't even been romantic or physical or sexual, it's just been personable and intellectual...with some of the physical/sexual thrown in Big Grin Leaves me a very good impression about men in general...though, I've never really had a bad experience with a gay man yet, either here or in real life. But I know, it ain't always good no matter which gender you're dealing with. Regardless, I'm just glad to have found this place and be able to vent.
#2
I totally understand what it means to be "anxious". But I wasn't tied down with a girlfriend or a financial situation.

I truly hope you find what you're looking for. In fact, I KNOW you'll find it one day.

Just live honestly and the rest will all fall into place.

Best,
Smile
#3
That's quite a pickle your are in. I'm new to these forums myself and it is nice to see you have been treated nicely. I'm not sure what I would do in if I were in your shoes but all I can say is do what makes you happy, life is short, might as well make it a happy one.
#4
First of all it sounds creepy to have a gilfriend wwho "checks up" on what do do on the Internet. I could never handle that kind of snooping.
You certainly seem very "enthusiastic".
I also don't see how you can be "semi" obsessed, you're either obsessed or you're not.
Your worries about your first time are normal so forget about them
I would also advise against romanticizing the LGBT scene or any othrr "scene"
I wish you the best of luck.
#5
the sex alone dosnt define a gay man. Its the ability to love and function in a relationship with another man. If you looking to satisfy an urge you can be with anyone, including just your self.

stay with the one your with. Gay or bi or straight t dosnt get any better. In fact it is the same. So let the current situation play its course for a while. Not forever, patience, its not only your life but also your girl friends. Gay or straight guys should be able to do this too.
#6
pellaz Wrote:the sex alone dosnt define a gay man. Its the ability to love and function in a relationship with another man.

You have just made my day. Confusedmile:

Anonymous, I'm sorry but I don't have an advice for you. It seems like you are just curious at the moment and not interested in long time relationship, so think twice before you break the relationship you have right now.
#7
I am a slight bit worried here Z.
Your anxiety and her snooping are not the best combination here.

Why is she checking up on you ; Is there a trust issue ?

I have been married to my husband for a very long time 29 years , and we are both very independent people, who have very different wants and likes.
I would never invade his privacy like that.
A relationship without trust is like building the cornerstones of your house on quicksand.

Now regarding your urges , it is only natural that you would want to act on them.
However as I have said a million times before , "Being Bi does not give you a license to cheat."( not that I am saying that you would cheat, I know you are better than that.)

The only thing you can do, is soul search.
You and you alone know what you want and need , listen to your inner voice , stay still long enough to take a deep breath , and think.

Keep us posted babe, we are here for you.
Sending you a mum hug.
Bighug
#8
Rainbowmum Wrote:I am a slight bit worried here Z.
Your anxiety and her snooping are not the best combination here.

Why is she checking up on you ; Is there a trust issue ?

I have been married to my husband for a very long time 29 years , and we are both very independent people, who have very different wants and likes.
I would never invade his privacy like that.
A relationship without trust is like building the cornerstones of your house on quicksand.

Now regarding your urges , it is only natural that you would want to act on them.
However as I have said a million times before , "Being Bi does not give you a license to cheat."( not that I am saying that you would cheat, I know you are better than that.)

The only thing you can do, is soul search.
You and you alone know what you want and need , listen to your inner voice , stay still long enough to take a deep breath , and think.

Keep us posted babe, we are here for you.
Sending you a mum hug.
Bighug

You are so warm and diplomatic and gentle. I would love to buy you a cup of coffee.

Smile

Your son is blessed to have a mother like you.
#9
It has a lot to do with her own insecurity issues. Plus over the summer, I didn't tell her I registered here. Me coming out as Bi to her, after we had such a rough patch in the summer (Which is why I first registered here), and then discovering I go to this place when she got on her laptop that I use at work...and her seeing some of the stuff I wrote.

She often comes to visit me at nights when I'm at work, and if I leave her alone in there, she'll use the laptop to come here and peruse my posting history, see what I've been saying.

But I've never actually said I was going to cheat, I've never made it seem like I have someone on the side. She did read a post saying I hope someday I get a chance to be with my best friend Dustin, but she knows he's in a relationship of his own right now.

She's just fragile in the security department...she checks the phone records too, and gets mad when I call people like our gay friend Matt and shit. I dunno. It's silly.
#10
Silly? Perhaps not as silly as you think.

After all you admit you want to 'do a man' and you are in a relationship with her. Believe it or not we get 'gut feelings' about our partners all of the time. We get a basically good general idea what is on their mind and we know when to worry.

Sure you may be very careful to not say anything (unless you talk in your sleep), but you say so much with every small movement of your body, its usually the things you don't say that scream the loudest to people who know you.

In her case, she is in a relationship and you are most likely sending out the signals that you want to cheat. She is going to react by snooping, trying to either confirm or find evidence that absolves you of her 'gut instinct'.

Don't be fooled, women do have this intuition thing going on. They pick up on stuff that most of us guys miss and through their own logic (which defies logic in most cases) they come to startling clear understandings and 'know' what is going on and are right.

Secrets keep us sick - or make us sick. Secrets in relationships makes for sick relationships - sick as in unhealthy.

This is a pretty large 'secret' that sits between you two. She senses a secret and yes she is going to assume that you are messing around. Its a natural conclusion to jump to in many instances.

I think we all reach a point were we believe the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. A few years ago I had the yearning to dump my current partner and go test the waters and find something new. It got to be a near obsession with me, all I could think about is I was being somehow 'cheated' from the potentials of better things all because I was strapped down by Ye Old Ball and Chain.

The more I thought on it, the more obsessed with it I got. This sort of thing becomes a feeding frenzy, feeding on itself, getting larger and more consuming at time goes on.

You are going to have to decide to jump of this carousel ride from hell. Trust me, the longer you stay on it the faster its going to rotate and the more its going to consume your thoughts.

Either 'go for it' and get it out of your system, or count your blessings and push it out of your mind and let it die.

If you can't decide on your own then get a therapist to help you to decide.

While its nice you can come up with reasons to not break up, financial wreckage, lack of a car, no way to pay bills... but what is sad is that you are not worried about love lost.
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