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Long Distance Relationship
I apologize for my bad english, I'm not a native speaker.

I'm not gonna introduce myself to you with my name because there might be people on this forum that know me, and since I'm still in the closet, I can't do that.

I always knew that I liked boys, I always caught myself staring at guys but I always denied that fact that I could be gay, I even had a girlfriend and we were together for like three years but then one day I decided to leave her because I just didn't love her anymore? I loved her the first two years and then the feelings just sort of dissapeared.

A few years ago I tried going to a higher school after because I really wanted to be succesful and then go to a University and be a teacher, but then people started bullying me in that higher school. I developed depression, suicidal thoughts and I had no fucking friends.

They bullied the fuck out of me, called me a faggot because I apparently act like a gay person. The way I do things, the way I talk is looking "gay" apparently.

I always denied the fact that I'm gay because I didn't want anyone to know. My parents would kill me because they're like really homophobic. As far as I know being gay is really wrong in the Islam. I'm not sure if that's true but that's what I heard anyway. So coming out to my parents would be just a suicide.

I failed that higher school because I couldn't do it anymore, I couldn't concentrate on studying, I skipped classes because I was afraid.

A few years later I started an apprenticeship as a Sales Assistant because I couldn't find anything else. Came out that that job was really good for me. I became like more open, I started talking more, and yeah I really loved that job. I was happy. I made friends, I mean like I really loved going to work because I knew there are people that like me there! We always had fun together and it was great. A few months later they moved me into another department because I became a really good Sales Assistant, they wanted be to become bigger and bigger. I wasn't happy at all with my new department. My new work mates were nice but we didn't really talk about anything besides work.. and I didn't like that. All they talked about was work..

Anyway, now back to my love life.

One day I decided to download the App Lovoo, just because I was bored and I was curious about which people are gay in my area. I was hoping I'd find a gay person that I know in real life. A cute guy texted me, and we started talking. And after a few weeks ago he asked me if we could go out for a walk and talk abit because he wanted to see me.

I didn't really think about it, I said yes. I had no intentions to fall in love.. I had no intentions at all. I just said yes because why not.
So we met and we talked and I thought he was really cute and we understood each other really well. He held my hands because It got cold and it was like so romantic. He asked me what I was looking for on Lovoo and I said nothing actually and then he asked "Aren't you looking for a relationship with a guy?" and I said no because I really wasn't.

And then we went back to my car and before I got into my car he pulled me and he fucking kissed me. HE KISSED ME! It was my first kiss with a guy. I was so nervous and yeah it was just so fucking great. IT WAS THE BEST MOMENT OF MY FUCKING LIFE. After the kiss I was like "woah" and he asked me "whats the matter" and I told him that it was the first time I kissed a guy, and he asked me how it was and I replied with "your gum tasted great." I WAS SO EMBARASSED AND NERVOUS lmfao we both laughed and then I said no it was amazing and we got into the car and I drove him home.

I couldnt stop thinking about that kiss or him. I just couldn't.
I didnt know what was going on with me.
So we kept on talking, he gave me his number and we met a few times and then one day I asked him if he has time, and he said "no, I can't i moved to another country for university." I forgot that he had to move to Germany a few weeks later, but he told me that he had to leave in a few weeks but I fucking forgot that.

So he moved, I was fucking devastated. The first person I fell in love with LEFT THE COUNTRY. HE fucking left the country and I didnt know what to do.. I started cutting, I developed depression and anxiety and became even more suicidal than before. I had no reason to stay alive anymore because he was the only reason I stayed alive. We kept on texting via iMessage and one day he asked me If I can wait for him, he'll be back in a few months and I said yes obviously. During the time he wasn't here, I was an emotional wreck. My arm was full with scars and he had no idea what I was going through. I started overthinking about how he would forget me and fall in love with someone else and those thoughts were literally killing me. The problem I had with him was that he was always replying like 8 hours later. He ALWAYS ignored my texts he literally ignored them and replied a few hours later. That lead me to overthinking and yeah everything got worse. Anyway after a long time of waiting he came back and he immediatly asked me out. We met and it was amazing. It was like really amazing and I was so happy. We were in my car making out, he took off my jacket while making out and then he saw my scars. He asked me what that is and asked me why I did it. I started crying and ignored his question. I didn't want to tell him that it was because of him. He hugged me and we fell asleep in my car. The next day I drove him home and yeah everything was weird. The next week he left again because he only came back for a week. So I had to wait again.
A few months later he came back for Christmas, and he asked me if i want to book a hotel with him so we can actually sleep hand in hand together. So we booked a hotel and we were together the whole day and that day he asked me If i want to be his boyfriend and I said yes obviously. And we actually fell asleep hand in hand and it was the best day of my life. I was so happy. I have one friend I told about me being gay and my relationship with him and she told me he probably just wants to fu** me. And thats how we got into a fight. And she was wrong anyway, he didnt do it. I mean we got naked and we made out and yeah but we didnt do it.

Anyway after that day he left for Germany again and I had to wait again.
He came a few months later back for a week and we did that thing with a hotel again and we still didnt have sex. I thought he would do it this time but he didnt. I started overthinking as usual and yeah it got worse again. Maybe the problem is that we never talked about Sex? I mean I don't even know if he's active or passive.. I think i'm passive tho and i'm afraid to ask what he is? How do I find out what he is? I mean hes always touching my ass and I never touched his ass yet. Is that a sign that he's an active? HELP lmfao

Anyway im not sure why I told you all this? Oh and btw, he made me throw away my blades and told me to stop cutting and he made me promise him and yeah. I'm clean since a few weeks and yeah im really proud.

He'll be back in a few weeks and im so happy with him.
I just have two problems with him and that's still the replying back always late and the other one is, he is like really popular, he has so many friends and he is always busy. He has so many friends and I have none.. I only have one friend and that's it. I'm so pathetic. Im scared that he might find out soon and leave me because im such a loner..
idk what to do. We talked about him replying late already and he apologized and he said hes not into texting alot and that hes not always on his phone and that his notifications are off and yeah. It got better now but there's still that one problem with him being too popular. It makes me feel like a loner lmao and I have no Idea what to do.

Any advice?
Advice? Well, if you want to wait for him and only see him every so often, then do that. Just know what you're getting yourself into. How long is he going to be studying in germany? Can you wait that long?

Oh and most importantly, he wants to be with you YOU. You may never understand why and you don't have to. Just enjoy it.
He sounds like a nice guy.

Also, you write fucking a lot.

Stay safe
Gay by nature. Proud by choice.

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