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Luis- not so manic.
#1
I apologize in advanced for the wall of text that is about to present itself to you.

So i realized I have never actually like fully explained myself and why I joined this forum. I figure why not do it now.


In February of 2011 I joined Gs in hope of receiving some really serious advice. Basically I graduated high school in 2008. In 2008 during the school year I was hardcore in the closet. I got myself in a dilemma trying to cover up my tracks. I have two best friends, a male and a female. Well, as you guys know, I fell in love with the male and that branched off into a seperate problem. The female on the other hand, she became my scapegoat. A stand-in to make everyone think I was straight. Rumors had it that i liked her, and when i found out a possible rumor of us dating was going around I took advantage. That was the year of my prom. Everyone who was anyone was going. I was terrified. I was shy. It happened so quickly. She actually liked two guys. Me and another guy. One day she came to me devestated. The other guy had stood her up in the cafeteria and said he would never go to the prom with her. And its not like she was ugly or anything. She's actually a very beautiful woman. But she was heartbroken. She spiraled downword and thought she was useless and tried to get closer and closer to me. And i guess she just couldnt handle it anymore so she tried to get me jealous. and started dating on of my friends. My scapegoat was gone so people started to whisper things about me. The relationship put a strain on not only our friendship, but the other friend as well. Long story short, several months later she broke up with him. and he was mentally broken too. She vanished out of my life for awhile and i was left to deal with my depressed friend who found out he had just been on rebound from the other guy standing her up (later he found out the truth as to why he was dumped which was to make me jealous) But I never went to my prom- it was a wave of depression. Eventually I graduated and the female went to college a few towns away. My other male best friend and I were starting to drift apart because i wanted him to love me more. So my two best friends literally were tearing away from me. I fell into deep depression.

In the summer of 2008, I lost myself one night. In my loneliness, I found a 26 year old virgin( I was 19) and had sex for the first time. I still remember the smell of his cigarettes, that sweat, and cheap cologne. I was disgusted by myself. So in the middle of it all I told him I couldn't do it anymore and I left. I wasn't crying. It was more of an empty feeling. Then I posted a suicidal note on a thread. The website had me reported and I was tracked down b the police and admitted into special therapy. I basically convinced them I was still sane and they released me. Everyone found out about this- me being taken away by officers. IThey presented the chat log to me and I actually had to beg them not to show it to my parents. Not to show them What i was upset about. Not to out me. They must've been two gay cops because they didnt show it to my parents. They had an interesting story for them and then took me away. My mother was in tears (croc. tears)
Everyone wanted to know why i was almost arrested. To this day no one knows the truth because i covered it up. After being released i decided I'd get rid of my female best friend because she was still in intense contact with me and she had told me she loved me. I exiled her out of my life by blaming the arrest on her. I told everyone she reported me to the police she was the reason I owed the hospital a fortune. She was the reason my credit for college was ruined. I lied. I lied so mercilessly. She hates me now. She never spoke to me again. All of this. Because I am a coward and couldnt escape out of the closet. Then the situation with my male best friend happened in 2011. I came out to the first person ever and got socked in the stomach by reality.

My female best friend hates me.
My male best friend hates me.
I don't have a best friend.
I am alone...
I am a liar and a coward.
Until I can come out to my family. No one will ever know the truth.

So here I am.
I joined in 2011.
Just to talk.
My chest is full of many regrets.
I owe her an apology.
I know one of her friends mutually. And according to her- everytime they talk about me she scoffs at my name. I plan on making it up to her. She loved me. But I'm gay. I never loved her. I never will. Not like that. But i do love her as a friend and I feel terrible everytime I think about her. I am so sorry. If only I could cope with being gay. That's why I need a Boyfriend. OR someone. I need something to stiffen my spine or I will continue to trample other people's feelings. Then again I got what i deserve. I had my heart ripped out by a straight man.

In anycase. Thank you for reading if you did. Hopefully you know a little more about me. Judge me if you'd like. I already judged myself. I hope you guys dont hate me. I was just scared about the whole fiasco.
[Image: sdfg_by_cocoaeyes-d6waj25.png]
#2
Bighug

Not here to judge, I'm here to support.

Thank you so much for sharing your story, I know how hard it must have been to air that laundry, and no, I do not think any less of you. You did what you had to do, right or wrong the fact is your are still here and you have learned a lesson and grown from your experiences.

I hope everything falls into place for you Wink
#3
That must have been pretty hard to write down - I wonder how many times you read and re-read that!?!

Good on you for coming out with it, very impressed.
#4
You are a very brave man. It's not easy to admit or talk about our past especially when we do have regrets. This quote has helped me many a time when my past starts to eat away at me.........................“We crucify ourselves between two thieves: regret for yesterday and fear of tomorrow.”

Take care and all the best............
#5
Take a screen shot and email it to her with a sincere and simple "I know this does not help or do anything for you, it is clearly self serving, but I am in pain because of the pain I brought you. Please know I would love to apologize to you if you will ever give me the chance. Best wishes."

YOU are a gem! Yllove
Heart  Life's too short to miss an opportunity to show your love and affection!  Heart
#6
Sweetie there is no judgment here.
Thank you for sharing such a personal time in your life, it took a lot of courage.

We are always here to support you.
Bighug
#7
No worries man. It takes a lot of courage to post up your story. I applaud you. The most important thing is that you recognize what you did and want to set things right. Hopefully one day you will get a change to apologize to her directly. Maybe it might ease your heart a little bit. Stay strong!
#8
Thanks for your story Lewis. I don't know what is it, more and more people are opening up these days - and it's a good thing Smile

One thing that I've learned over the years is that it's much better for my own sanity if I've stuck to what I believe is right rather than pretending that it is not because of other people's judgment. Giving in to peer pressure is so easy sometimes but it takes some courage to stand for what you believe is right for you.

Also, I believe playing games with other people's feelings can come to bite you in the ass later on and I've learned to keep a distance from people and sometimes can come off a bit stand-offish - but I think it's for the better. Don't worry too much about the mistakes you made. Obviously, you already know what you did wrong - just don't repeat it again. As people are not items, there will absolutely be consequences.

I think it's really good that you've realized that you need someone to make you feel "complete". We're all on the beginning of our journeys. You're one of the people who has made an impression on me here and I'm absolutely sure you will find someone who will love you as much as you love him.

GL on your search for your shining star, my friend Smile
#9
I think I have grown a lot since those days in high school. I'm so much more comfortable in my own skin and most of my fear is gone. I guess I just posted this because I'm on the verge of coming out to the people that matter to me. Which is one step to solving my crisis with her. If i were to tell her all this before I came out she might take vengence and out me. That is why its important i deal with my family before I deal with her. Once I know I will keep this job i have and find it stable. I will do the most important step in my life and finally come out of the closet. I get all teary eyed when i actually think how close I am to the end of this all. I sometimes really can't believe I have come so far. Thank you guys so much for just being there to listen. You don't know how important you guys really are to me at this stage in my life. Everything you guys offer to me i have to take it with great respect because you guys really are my only connection in the gay community and I have to value any comments from our side of the fence because in this town I 'am a one man army. I really appreciate all of you. Dfiant- lizzielee-CCrox-Rainbowmum-CodyH-and tryingnewthing. I really value these comments and they will be with me until the second i make myself know to the whole world.
[Image: sdfg_by_cocoaeyes-d6waj25.png]
#10
Bighug

And many more there when you need them Wink


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