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No where to go
#1
I feel like there is not one place in the world i'll ever feel happy. I've rarely felt happy since i moved to college. I miss my old life, in my old town, but this cannot come back. I don't like my roommates that much, and i hardly ever see my new friends i've made. I've gone several days saying maybe less than 50 words, i just feel so alone. But when i do see my friends, I just get so nervous and anxious, that i'll say very little, and in a quiet and hard to hear voice. Sometimes i have panic attacks. I used to have them and i learned to manage them, but now they're back.

And then I have problems with accepting myself. I feel like nothing i have to say matters, i don't feel like i'll ever be good enough to have a relationship with another guy, and I have never really liked my appearance. I don't think i'm ugly really, I just don't like that i'm so skinny that my bones hang out. Anymore, i just describe myself as the weak nice guy who has no backbone and is a loner. A sad, depressed loner who doesn't have any hope left anymore. Sometimes i've thought about ending it all, but i was raised to believe that's not the way, and its still a strong belief of mine, so i'm not in danger of killing myself. But i'm so lost, sad and lonely i don't know where to go or what to do.
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#2
I'll let you in on a secret, not many people DO like their appearances, everyone finds fault in their appearances...too fat, too skinny, too pale, pot belly, not muscled enough etc etc. BUT what you may find unattractive in your own appearance, there is definately someone that will find those exact qualities hotness.

Why not try and join a group on campus that shares your interests/hobbies, you will find people with a common interest so you can talk about what you enjoy.

Panic attacks... have you thought about councelling? There is absolutely no shame in putting your hand up and saying you need some help...more often than not it is the bravest thing that you can do for yourself.
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#3
Don't be so hard on yourself, sweetheart. There are a lot of issues you bring up in this little post, none of them are easily answered either.

The anxiety and self-esteem stuff is something we all struggle with to an extent at some point. It's easy to get into that mindset because most of us are our own worst critic. There's nothing wrong with being the "nice guy," and you're way too young to be giving up hope.

As to doing something about the anxiety and loneliness, well that's tough; I'm not sure what you can do. Why do you not get to see your new friends as much as you seem to want to? Lots of people move away from home for college, so there are probably more than a few people feeling the sting of loneliness around campus. Maybe you need a hobby of some kind to keep you occupied, preferably one that involves a social aspect.
When a subject is highly controversial — and any question about sex is that — one cannot hope to tell the truth. One can only show how one came to hold whatever opinion one does hold. One can only give one's audience the chance of drawing their own conclusions as they observe the limitations, the prejudices, the idiosyncrasies of the speaker.
- Virginia Woolf
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