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Not sure how to go about this guy
#1
Hello all! New here and looking for some advice. I'm 21, live in the UK and I am gay. I haven't been in a serious relationship now for about a year, my last relationship was 3 years long.

I hit the dating apps a couple of months ago and after not having much look, I got talking to a guy who seemed nice. Anyway, we would chat on and off and that happened for a couple of months. It got to the point about a month ago where he said he wanted to meet up, so I offered to go see him but he wasn't available at that time due to some plans with his friends - a month went by and I didn't hear from him again until last week.

Last week he messaged saying he missed me, and I missed him too. We arranged to meet up, and this time it went ahead, and I went to his place on Thursday. We just chilled and watched a film, and got to know each other. He is lovely! Looking back now I realise how actually he was more nervous than I picked up on at the time. He hugged me goodbye when I left and said he wants to see each other again next week - great!

Not so great though. I text him saying I was home safe etc that night, then didn't hear from him the next day until evening time - I had text him during the day basically saying if he didn't want to take things further than he could say that and I'd rather know, I don't know why I sent this!!

Anyway his text on Friday evening said he doesn't want to rush anything and cannot say after meeting somebody once if he likes them in that way, but that he gets I don't want to be messed around. He also said it's been a long time for him (2 years since his last relationship which was also 3 years long) since he's been with anyone and he felt everything is still very new (Which it is!) and he doesn't feel in a position to rush into anything but it would be nice to get to know each other and take it from there. I replied saying I agreed, and then once again haven't heard from him all day yesterday.

It's the not hearing from him that sort of upsets me. I'm the type of person who happily messages someone I'm interested in quite often and ask how their day has been etc. So the fact he doesn't do this makes me think he's not interested? I feel like if I don't text, he'll think I'm not interested? There must be some balance here, but I don't know what it is! Right now I feel it's best to wait and let him get back in touch, if at all! It just worries me that before when he was busy so we didn't end up seeing each other, it was a month until he got back in touch - maybe things will be different now we've met, I don't know.

I think I need to take a step back, wait and see if he gets in touch. I just hate wanting to message him and feeling if I do it'll scare him off, I think I need to leave the next move up to him? It frustrates me him saying he wants to get t know each other and see each other again, but not setting a date.

Anyway, sorry for rambling. As you can see, a very anxiety-induced person here,who worries and overthinks everything! Any advice much much appreciated on how to go about things with this lad.

Cheers Smile
#2
Okay, so I'm one of those guys who doesn't really have the time or inclination to do much texting. My job is such that I can't be on my phone all shift. If a guy texts me, I may not get back to him right away, maybe not til the next day. It doesn't mean I'm not interested or don't want to talk to him, just that I can't while at work.

And TBH, I find guys who text constantly annoying. We don't have to be in constant touch for me to prove how I feel. If I tell you I like you and want to get to know you, I mean it. I don't feel like i have to text you all the time to prove it.

I would say two things. First, right now, step back and wait for him to reply. Then, when you see him again, bring up the topic of texting. Ask him if he prefers to just text for a reason, like to confirm a date. Is he like me and maybe doesn't like aimless texting?

I've had guys text me like 6 times before I'm able to get back to them and it makes me feel pressured and annoyed and I think of them as insecure.

He wants to take it slow, and that makes perfect sense. He's being cautious. You can either meet him on his own terms, or move on.

He said he wants to get to know you, and I'm sure he means it. You need to relax and give him the space to learn to feel comfortable with you.
"That's just the way it is
Some things will never change
That's just the way it is
Ah, but don't you believe them..."
~~~~~~~~Bruce Hornsby,, "That's Just The Way It Is"
#3
You should really let him make the next move.

There can be a number of things why he doesn't reply. Whether right or wrong in saying what you said, at least he knows your stance, so that's good. It means the ball is on his side of the field.

Be patient and wait. But, don't wait indefinitely. I mean if it's been a month and nothing happens (not even a "really busy lately" message) then probably you can start letting it go.

I do understand you in one thing. I often don't know when it's too much or too little. I've often fallen into both these extremes and I didn't know how to find that balance, that middle ground.

With one guy I was texting, we were texting pretty much everyday. We were both comfortable with that. It was mutual. Not every guy will be like this, maybe you won't even be like this with someone else. And the reasons why can be many.

I've found myself so outrageously busy at work for consecutive weeks at a time, every now and then that I can understand if someone else goes through the same, so unless it's not indefinitelty, I don't have many problems in toning down contact and waiting.
[Image: 05onfire1_xp-jumbo-v2.jpg?quality=90&auto=webp]
#4
Hey [MENTION=23954]Gemini[/MENTION] and [MENTION=23097]Insertnamehere[/MENTION]

Thanks so much to both of you for taking the time to reply.

I agree that I need to take a step back now and let him make the next move, he knows I like him and would like to see him again, and he's said he wants to get to know each other but take things slowly, so I guess the balls in his court, so to speak.

I know I can be an impatient person at times, and I am quite insecure when it comes to dating just because I've been messed around and hurt before, at least I recognise this I guess. It'd be great to know whether investing my energy into this lad is going to be worth it, but that's stupid and unrealistic I guess, only time will tell that.

So I think because when we left each other on Thursday we talked about doing something next week, and he said if he forgets to remind him, maybe I should leave it until mid-week, say Wednesday, and if I haven't heard from him, drop him a message? I just don't want him to think I've lost interest by not messaging him. This is the difficult thing as [MENTION=23097]Insertnamehere[/MENTION] has said, finding that balance between too much and not enough, that middle ground, is difficult.

I'm happy to take things at his pace, on his terms and go slower than I'm used to, I just know that if he doesn't make some effort, it's not going to go anywhere
#5
I did reply but I'm not sure if it's gone through, I think it said it needed Mod approval or something?
#6
Agreed with the advice given already here. I know it's hard, but you seem to have already answered your own question when you said you should wait for him to get into contact. The ball is definitely in his court.

After one date, it is indeed normally too soon to know if you like somebody. The text immediately after the date and the one the next day questioning his interest may have put some unwanted pressure on him. Just breathe, relax, and hopefully he will get back into contact with you (the date seemed to end in a positive note so fingers crossed) Smile

But yeah, don't wait a month. Because that is a bit too long even by the standards of a person that's not keen on texting if they are indeed interested.

[MENTION=24098]Flyerboy95[/MENTION], the random moderation happens until you get 50 posts to weed out trolls. It happened to us all. The easiest way to get past this is to head to the gaming section and find the rainbow thread and post there until you reach 50, then your posts will always appear immediately Smile
#7
Cridders88 Wrote:Agreed with the advice given already here. I know it's hard, but you seem to have already answered your own question when you said you should wait for him to get into contact. The ball is definitely in his court.

After one date, it is indeed normally too soon to know if you like somebody. The text immediately after the date and the one the next day questioning his interest may have put some unwanted pressure on him. Just breathe, relax, and hopefully he will get back into contact with you (the date seemed to end in a positive note so fingers crossed) Smile

But yeah, don't wait a month. Because that is a bit too long even by the standards of a person that's not keen on texting if they are indeed interested.

[MENTION=24098]Flyerboy95[/MENTION], the random moderation happens until you get 50 posts to weed out trolls. It happened to us all. The easiest way to get past this is to head to the gaming section and find the rainbow thread and post there until you reach 50, then your posts will always appear immediately Smile

Where abouts can I find that gaming thread? I can't seem to find it Fish2
#8
Flyerboy95 Wrote:Where abouts can I find that gaming thread? I can't seem to find it Fish2

Click at the gayspeak and gay forums and chat at the top of the page under the gayspeak banner, then scroll down until you find word games.
An eye for an eye
#9
Dan1980 Wrote:Click at the gayspeak and gay forums and chat at the top of the page under the gayspeak banner, then scroll down until you find word games.

D'oh! it was that obvious - must be this bottle of pinot grigio Frog
#10
Hello and welcome here, [MENTION=24098]Flyerboy95[/MENTION]. How about setting yourself a rule that you're NOT going to text him more than, say, twice a day ? Tell him that's what you'll do, so he doesn't get annoyed. And use both those texts to say something really meaningful, or else.... you risk wasting your time, energy and money. I can't remember how long ago it was that all texts had a cost of 4 or 8 p... So one would limit and calculate how to use up those 140 characters. That's how txt speech started. Give it a try, won't you?


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