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Relationship insecurities
#1
Hi all just looking for some advice or maybe even reassuraance, basically im fairly inexperienced when it comes to dating and guys i finally met someone about a couple of months ago and he's everything i want. Thing is because of where he lives i dont get to see him as often as id like and sure we speak a lot on the phone and through msn but the times we dont speak im constantly thinking of him from the moment i wake till the moment i go to bed (and even in between!) If iv just spoke to him im feeling positive but if i havent heard from him i start worrying what if he's gone off me, is he really happy things like that.
I dont want to come across as some crazy boyfriend who is verging on obsession or is it that Im just completely lovesick! I'm confused!!

Any thoughts good or bad appriciated! (sorry for the long rant)
#2
Hi James...Welcome! I think what you are experiencing is perfectly normal.

Have you thought about where you want this to go or asked him about it...or has he brought it up?
#3
I think thats a problem ... but not a big problem... you miss him and if you don´t see him you are a bit jealous and a bit suspicious.
I think thats a problem all relationships with distance have ...
You have to learn that all is Ok ... you are his partner and he is yours....

I know me and my partner had the same problem ... he has called me many times a day ... was here every free minute... but after a while it was ok ....
Proud to be Gay & Pagan
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#4
thanks guys i guess when i next see him we will have a good old chat about things and hopefully he will put my mind at rest because i really do want this relationship to work out
#5
Hello James and Welcome to GaySpeak. If anyone can talk about long distance relationships, it must be me and my partner here. I live in France, he lives mostly in England, (even though he will say that he lives in both places). For reasons of convenience, he comes over here once a month for a week or so, longer if he can afford it or gets some time off work. Sometimes when things are busy at work he'll have to go 5 or 6 weeks before being able to cross the Channel again. Those are generally difficult times.

We set the rules at the start that because of the long distance we would try not to infringe on each other's freedom to see other people if necessary. I know I don't want to go and find anyone else, personally, because I am perfectly happy with my man, and I think that he too (he will confirm) is perfectly happy in our relationship too. Of course we are no longer 29 and in those raging years when you think something ought to be happening sexually, before you turn off it or before you lose the stamina and your youthful looks. You don't sound to me as if you are in for that kind of relationship and hopefully neither is your partner. A good old talk about where all this is heading might be a good idea.

Long term relationships can work out as long as they don't feel like a burden and as long as that flame is rekindled regularly. We no longer speak to each other everyday on the phone or on MSN but we often meet in the chat rooms here and phone occasionally for a few hours. Once a week might be good. Then we also send each other text messages much more regularly, just to keep the other updated on how we feel, how we miss each other's company... and that sort of thing. I like to pack a few little things in his bags when he goes, just so he'll have something to remind him of me when he's back in England, something like a bar of Swiss chocolate, a little notebook to write in... whatever.

Every time my partner comes "home", it's like having a wonderful party or break from work (I bet he won't think it's a break, lol) but we have the greatest relationship and I'm glad we still love each other as much, if not more, than we ever did. Hope that helps.

Just remember that like every relationship, it takes some work on your part to stay in touch and keep the relationship working. If one of you finds disenchantment, then the trouble might start. A good argument or fight might clear the air sometimes, but they are not necessarily part of the deal. We have never fought... Talked plenty, but never fought. I think a mild feeling of jealousy might be ok, it keeps the spirit of initial interest going, but you mutn't let it eat out your mind. Give each other plenty of respect and plenty of liberty and I'm sure you'll manage just fine. Thinking of your man daily becomes part of your life and should be remembered with a radiant feeling inside, or a smile. That's how I think of my partner. He brings a smile to my lips, even when he's not there and that warm feeling inside. Confusedmile:HerzConfusedmile:

Take care, James.
Have you thought about moving, or has he thought about moving?
#6
thanks princealbertofb i guess for a lot of ppl long distance relationships can work and at least we're in the same country- i admire anyone who can make a truly long distance r/s work so im pleased to hear your story and wish you both all the happiness. he's just started the process of getting his own place and says he cant wait for the time i can come and stay so i guess time will tell... thanks again for the advice xxx
#7
You're welcome James, and good luck to you both. Hopefully this'll be the beginning of a very beautiful relationship. Don't worry. He sounds like he's really into you. Confusedmile::biggrin:
#8
I can't add much to what my man has already said, but I don't suppose that will stop me trying ... Don't listen to the people who will tell you that gay relationships cannot be monogamous and happy, because they can.

I was the one out of the two of us who had, shall we say, a more "adventurous" history and being in the throes of dealing with the unpleasant breakup of a decades-long term relationship I sure as hell wasn't looking to get myself into another one. I imagined that once out of my marriage I would try and have the teenage years I never experienced, but that's not how it worked out. PA, who had been an online friend for several months (although we had already enjoyed a very short weekend together four months previously), offered me a break from the mess and it became clear that there could be something more there for me. What I value more than anything else is that he has never attempted to own me or dictate what I do. His only request is that if I see someone else, I don't do anything to put his health at risk. In well over seven years I haven't wanted to be with anyone else and, truthfully, no one is more surprised about that than I am. I must admit I really rather like being able to commit to someone I love and care about so much. I suppose it may help that I cannot imagine sex with anyone else could be any better than it is with him :redface: Why on earth would I want to look elsewhere? Cool

For the first couple of years, our times together were sporadic. I would often come back to England not knowing when I would see him again. That was actually quite gut-wrenching. I could just move to France, I suppose (and I expect it will happen one day), but I still get quite a kick out of the work I do and what I do best seems to be more available to me in England than in France or Switzerland (a few minutes away over the border). I was, however, able to make a decision that probably only the self-employed can take although clearly there is a financial implication of making oneself unavailable for work for, in my case, more than 25% of the year. I block out the second week of every month, so I can be in France with PA and on top of that I go at other times when I can afford an extra journey and when I don't have any paid work. Since part of what I do as a musician is composition and arrangement I can do that anywhere I have my manuscript book and laptop. That means that we sometimes have more intense periods of time together than many couples who live in the same place. If we can come to the end of a six-week period of being together 24-7 and still don't want to part I think there is probably something quite solid there. We've met people who can't wait to get to the end of a week away with their best mates sometimes Wink

I think there are keys to this kind of relationship. I think most of it is to do with respect. The other person has a life already and has nothing to prove. I love my man for who he is, not for who I think I want him to be. He does not belong to me and is free to do what he wishes with his body. I celebrate that he chooses me to be the man to enjoy it with though and I'm not denying that I would find it difficult, specially after all these years, if he did go with someone else. However, I am in no doubt at all that he loves me and I do not fear losing him any time in the near future. He reaffirms his love with almost daily (usually several times daily Wink ) messages. I think he knows how I feel about him too.

Seven years in and I still smile all the way through when I think about him and a tear still comes to my eye when I think about how much I love him (or when I write a soppy message like this one).

That initial period when you can't stop thinking about someone is very exciting. The first five years of our relationship were like that and it was like a five-year honeymoon for me. Couples who spend more time together don't have that privilege. They arrive at that more settled and deeper phase far sooner than I think we did. Two months into a relationship is hardly any time at all. It is not time enough to change already established habits and thought processes to accommodate another person. Being lovestruck is perfectly normal and pretty exciting. To make this work you may find you have to think more about how you make it work. Talk, talk and talk. Work out how you both feel and what you both need. Recognise that nothing is set in concrete and that thoughts and feelings do change, so you just talk, talk and talk some more. I think that would probably work for most relationships. In a long-distance one you just have to be a bit more organised and make plans to be together. My plan for tomorrow is drive into town to leave my car with friends, walk to the station and catch the train to King's Cross, walk to St Pancras and catch a train to Luton, catch the bus to the airport and an aeroplane to Geneva to meet PA who will have borrowed a car to collect me. On days when a car is not available, then my journey involves another train, a tram and then a bus into France. I've done the whole journey door-to-door in just over seven hours before, but it normally takes between nine and ten hours.

Good luck, have fun and enjoy your new relationship for as long as you can.
#9
You've done it again, Monsieur.... Sob... Cry sigh... :redface:, smile... Confusedmile:, big grin... :biggrin:

and just got to add this Bighug as I can't wait to see you tomorrow evening.
#10
I think the major problem with long dsitance relationships or even guys that might live an hour away is that you just have to love each other off of trust and hope that he is not doing anything behind your back. Its really hard to do and I give guys credit that can do it. I have never had any long distance relationships and I don't think that I could ever do it. I guess if someone came into my life that I loved so much I would pick up and go where they are to be together. I don't think I could do the long distance relationship.

I think you should do whatever your gutt tells you to do. Good luck


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