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Sexual Displeasure
#1
so i am a highly cerebral person by nature i seem to live in my mind, i have tried everything i can to connect to the "primal animal" aspect of my psyche to no avail. i cant seem to connect with anyone sexually at all whatsoever, i have been with people i care about deeply, i have been with random strangers, i have had sex on every drug, and in every situation i could imagine, even when it has been very good, i just feel empty, and dissatisfied. i cant seem to reach climax, and i cant let some one climax inside me.

idk what to do. the only things that bring any sort of pleasure to me are making art and music. i have change my environment several times, i am very happy with where i live, and what i do, i am happy with who i am and what i have done, yet i am absolutely bound by intellect. when ever i am having sex, i am just thinking about how i would like to either be making something or asleep. it seems really fucked up to me, because i am only 25, and i cant get excited by physicality or affection, it always seems like little more than a chore at worst or simply maintaining my body at best.

i like the idea of sexuality, and deviance. i am compelled by beauty and seduction, yet the reality of fornication leaves something to be desired. the constant ambivalence is infuriating, i have tried to intellectualize the entire process of engaging in sexual intercourse so as to rationalize my conflict and find a solution, yet i seem to be at an impasse, i am too young to be so cynical as to honestly believe have nothing to be gained in from physicality and affection, yet i cannot find a way to truly enjoy it.
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#2
Perhaps you are one of those guys that needs to be with the right person to enjoy sex. We always assosciate that quality with women but I think that it can be in men too. Some of us are fine with purely physical, some need the deep connection with the right person to really make it happen, maybe you just haven't found the right person yet.
Richard
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#3
Quote:i am very happy with where i live, and what i do, i am happy with who i am and what i have done

This is important.

Quote:it always seems like little more than a chore at worst or simply maintaining my body at best.
Don't place such a high importance on sex, it's not the be all and end all.

Quote:i have tried to intellectualize the entire process of engaging in sexual intercourse so as to rationalize my conflict and find a solution,
Sex is primal, you can't rationalise it, you can't intellectualise it, there is no solution if you aren't a sexual being. Having said that, I think that perhaps you find it hard to deal with because it is hard for you to find someone that is like you, that can find 100% joy in love rather than sex.

Stop torturing yourself and trying to be something that you can't be, enjoy what you have, enjoy what you do, enjoy who you are and everything will just fall into place.
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#4
I am sure you are not alone in thinking and feeling this way. I like Richard's suggestion that sometimes we really need someone special for things to fall into place. During my cruising days I would often find myself unable to finish and would find all that rubbing incredibly tedious. It was very much part of the mystery as to why I felt compelled to seek men out for sex.

Fortunately I did find someone for whom I had strong feelings and gained greater insight into what it was all supposed to be about. I have been with my present partner for several years and I cannot imagine needing to look elsewhere for more enjoyable sex. I think I am only able to make it work like this because we also enjoy very strong emotional bonds and intellectual connections.
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#5
I also believe that sex will be much more enjoyable with the right person.
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#6
"i cant seem to reach climax, and i cant let some one climax inside me""
for the RIGHT person you need to GIVE your body to them even if you have lots of sex drive or not. well because you will be sending a lot of time with them, you will be having common interests and share your bank account and credit card with them. be the best gay bottom you can be for them. cant do any of the above? you need to skip the relationship thing for now.

do the research for yourself but i am thinking:
for guys that resisted coming out to themselves for a long time they actually become a-sexual. low chance this theory has any immediate fitment for you? i came out late in life and at times have to work on it a bit myself. nothing is 100% and other days i'm on top. with daily stress for both me and my partner its a continual project.

no rush, be incredibly sure where you want to be and if you cant get there your self seek out some professional help. if you really want a relationship; what you ever accomplish by your self in life you can do just that little bit more with that special guy at your side.
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#7
pellaz Wrote:"i cant seem to reach climax, and i cant let some one climax inside me""
for the RIGHT person you need to GIVE your body to them even if you have lots of sex drive or not. well because you will be sending a lot of time with them, you will be having common interests and share your bank account and credit card with them. be the best gay bottom you can be for them. cant do any of the above? you need to skip the relationship thing for now.

do the research for yourself but i am thinking:
for guys that resisted coming out to themselves for a long time they actually become a-sexual. low chance this theory has any immediate fitment for you? i came out late in life and at times have to work on it a bit myself. nothing is 100% and other days i'm on top. with daily stress for both me and my partner its a continual project.

no rush, be incredibly sure where you want to be and if you cant get there your self seek out some professional help. if you really want a relationship; what you ever accomplish by your self in life you can do just that little bit more with that special guy at your side.

Did someone say, "coming out late" and "asexual"?

Cue LateBloomer.

Smile

Speaking for myself, yes, there were many years where I felt asexual as a way to deal with the ambiguity of my sexuality. I couldn't resolve BOTH in my head so I shut it down to NEITHER.

At any rate, in response to the original question I would suggest working at it in increments. For example, I wonder if Kuja simply enjoys the intimacy of being physically close to someone (aka: body contact, or cuddling)? If he enjoys having someone close, kissing and touching, but doesn't enjoy penetration, then I would suggest drawing a line with his parter(s).

Personally I LOVE body contact, kissing and touching MORE than penetration, but I try to be a full service lover.

If all forms of physical intimacy are a turn off for Kuja, well, maybe the time just isn't right. And take it from someone who describes himself as a LateBloomer--for everything there is a season.

Just take your time.
Smile
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#8
I can feel this way. You know, the idea of sex is so great and so naughty and appealing, but then you actually get to it and it's kinda boring and I wish I was just sleeping or something. I dunno. It's a mixed bag for me. On one hand, I want to last longer to justify doing it for both me and her, but on the other hand, I just want to get it over with and move on to something else.

I've never had as high a sex drive as other guys or even other girls I know. I masterbate more out of habit than anything else, I think. My mind is an obsessive one, so when an idea pops in my head (like a sexy picture or something) it just goes from there and if I can, I do my business and then I immediately drop it and move on to other stuff.

Maybe the idea that you need the right person is correct, or maybe it's just something you have to work on yourself. During my time with my girlfriend, I've increased my sex drive I think...or maybe I've just increased the amount of times I'll go for sex because she has a higher drive than I do and I want to make her happy. And it's not like having sex makes me unhappy, so it's not bad for me either.

Maybe you should try letting them climax inside of you (with a condom on preferrably just to be safe). Maybe that'll be something new and interesting to try. I dunno. You seem to be all about expirementation to figure this out, maybe you can try that.
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#9
pellaz Wrote:"i cant seem to reach climax, and i cant let some one climax inside me""
for the RIGHT person you need to GIVE your body to them even if you have lots of sex drive or not. well because you will be sending a lot of time with them, you will be having common interests and share your bank account and credit card with them. be the best gay bottom you can be for them. cant do any of the above? you need to skip the relationship thing for now.
.

I have to disagree with this. No where in my mind or experience does a proper relationship rely on the complete ablating of the self. In fact, I think it would be psychologically unhealthy for someone to be that committed to another person.
When a subject is highly controversial — and any question about sex is that — one cannot hope to tell the truth. One can only show how one came to hold whatever opinion one does hold. One can only give one's audience the chance of drawing their own conclusions as they observe the limitations, the prejudices, the idiosyncrasies of the speaker.
- Virginia Woolf
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#10
yeah i have considered that perhaps it just needs to be the right person. however i am not sure what that means exactly to me. i can get a long with just about everyone i am very gregarious and open, even though i can also be very distant. if i am able to distract myself long enough i am sure i could have a very good time lol, i just think too much.

see the thing is i have actually been very successful at rationalize and intellectualizing sex into a scientific study. i am pretty sure i am close to understanding the in and the outs of the entire process, and i find the theory behind it all fascinating. i just feel like i have to keep moving forward constantly. i have trouble getting myself to stop working, i feel like i am on the verge of a something very important, i am grasping at a subtle and ambiguous idea that puts everything into perspective. only once i exhaust myself can i surrender.

i too have an obsessive mind, and i will explore a concept until there is nothing left. i always want to know whats on the next horizon, and i wont stop until i get there. this is something i am facing, and when i overcome it i will be even stronger and better than i was before. yet i'll still be wondering what it is i am doing it for, to what ends do i strive for? i cant turn off the analytical side of my mind.

i rationalize sexuality as a tool for communication and information gathering. i see it as a method of infiltration, when viewing it as a chore. i will do just about anything if the ends justify the means. i also look at the evolutionary function of sexuality, and it serves a purpose there as well, in that it allows the mind to relax, similar to sleep. the idea of the restorative aspects of sexuality are what i find most compelling.

it bothers me that i have become so cynical. i try to be virtuous, yet i find myself manipulative and mercurial. I am an artist and a musician, i have no need to be concerned with subterfuge, or making an academic break through. however i am fascinated by the world around me, and i am interested in how i can use it to my advantage, and i am interested in making the world a better place. so i am left wondering, just what i am using this information for? why do i know so much about subjects that have no bearing on my reality?
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