Should I forgive him or not, I'm not sure

[Anonymous]

Time ago I had a friend. We knew each other for a long time, almost 8 years. All this time I was in the closet but then I met someone and everything got serious between us and that was when I decided I wanted to finally come out.

This friend was not just a friend to me, we were like brothers and he was the first person I came out to and honestly I was sure that he will be the one who'll support me the most. However he proved himself to be a complete homophobe instead. He disowned me completely, he spat in my face and he said to me the worst things you can imagine and basically our friendship ended that very day.

Now almost 4 years are past, we haven't seen each other or talked to each other since that day. Yesterday I received a Facebook message from him, it came as a big surprise for me. He writes that he's sorry, that he was wrong, that he regrets everything he did to me, that he only reacted that way because he was taught that gay are bad and dangerous but now he realizes it's not like that. Basically he wants to see me and to see if we can repair our friendship.

I don't know what should I do now. I don't know what took him so long to come around. Usually I don't hold grudge but the way he treated me was something I'll never forget. I was ready for hatred and I expected that from pretty much everyone but him. I trusted him completely and the things he said to me was like a knife in my back. I'm not sure we could ever be friends again. What should I answer him and should I answer at all? I don't know.

[kindy64]

Answer with the truth you just told us. He does deserve an answer in my view.

" I don't know what took him so long to come around. Usually I don't hold grudge but the way he treated me was something I'll never forget. I was ready for hatred and I expected that from pretty much everyone but him. I trusted him completely and the things he said to me was like a knife in my back. I'm not sure we could ever be friends again."

[ceez]

I would at least meet up with him to see what he has to say and go from there.

[Fairwooz]

That is a horrible thing to do indeed! But then again, I reckon there's a lot more to it than simply saying- he doesn't deserve your forgiveness.
Obviously I don't know your friend (or you), but what he says might be true- hatred towards homosexuals might have been rooted inside his brain by someone else to the point where he simply doesn't see another option. Gays are bad. End of the story. I know its fairly easy for me to say it, but try to look at the situation from that point of view. I'm not neglecting the fact that he decided to end a long and meaningful friendship because of that. That says a lot about his loyalty.
Also, taking 4 years to speak to you again.. Well, that is weird, indeed! However it does show that even after all this time, he still thinks about you, I guess? Can you recall anything in particular that might've induced that? Anything that could've reminded him of you? Mutual friends etc?

My suggestion would be.. Give him a chance to explain himself in person-anyone can write a sobby apologetic message on facebook! Get together and discuss what's happened, don't try to forcefully make it NOT awkward- its bound to be that way. Make sure you tell Jim exactly how you feel and don't be scared to ask for explanation. You deserve it and you'll get it, if he really meant what he said in his Facebook message.

[East]

I wouldn't trust him again....nor would I explain why.....

I would just write and tell him you aren't interested in repairing anything and then wish him well...and block him...

He has already shown you who he is....believe him

[Darius]

Anonymous, let me ask you how long it took for you to accept your own sexuality? Was it a difficult and slow process? Did you ever hate yourself for it? The reason I would say you should meet with him and at least consider forgiving him is because he admits to being wrong and it took him time to come to terms with it. Also, I can tell from your post that you still love your friend. I think if you choose not to see if a reconciliation is possible, it will haunt you. You seem like a caring guy who does not hold a grudge. Forgiving him does not mean you pretend what he did to you was not terrible, because it was. So, do you love and miss your old friend and brother?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous, let me ask you how long it took for you to accept your own sexuality? Was it a difficult and slow process? Did you ever hate yourself for it? The reason I would say you should meet with him and at least consider forgiving him is because he admits to being wrong and it took him time to come to terms with it. Also, I can tell from your post that you still love your friend. I think if you choose not to see if a reconciliation is possible, it will haunt you. You seem like a caring guy who does not hold a grudge. Forgiving him does not mean you pretend what he did to you was not terrible, because it was. So, do you love and miss your old friend and brother?

No I never hated myself because of my sexuality. I had a few questions and soul searching to do but I never hated myself.

I wouldn't say he's that important to me anymore. Actually so much time has passed that I've managed to cross him out of my life and now he suddenly appears out of thin air. I'm kind of confused. I'm also not sure if a homophobe can really change like he says.

[Darius]

Your choice then. I can't imagine why you would ask us what to do if you didn't care about him.

[Genersis]

I believe people can change, but not easily.
He may have changed his views on gay people, but honestly, I wouldn't expect him to be entirely comfortable with it still.

I would not expect to become close friends once more if you did decide to communicate again.
Most likely, I think he feels guilty over what he did, and wants to get over that guilt by seeking forgiveness; I doubt he seeks much more.

Those are just my thoughts, with a lot of assumptions thrown in; so I wouldn't put much confidence in it.
Really, you know him better than we do, and likely best placed to make an informed decision.

[MikeW]

No I never hated myself because of my sexuality. I had a few questions and soul searching to do but I never hated myself.

I wouldn't say he's that important to me anymore. Actually so much time has passed that I've managed to cross him out of my life and now he suddenly appears out of thin air. I'm kind of confused. I'm also not sure if a homophobe can really change like he says.

You were obviously very hurt by this guy you considered a close friend. So... now what? He's apologizing. That's great. I'd say "thanks for the apology." And then I'd say, "I've moved on so not sure I want you back in my life. Not trusting you."

Well, that's what I'd say if it was my truth... if I wanted to say anything.

That's what this is all about. You deciding what is true for you. What you want. You don't owe him anything. Not even an explanation. You can handle this however you want. But you have to know WHAT you want (and don't want). Just be honest with yourself about that and let it be whatever that means.