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Should i come out to her?
#1
Well my problem is quite simple. I've acknowledged i'm gay for the past 4 years and so far i've been doing a great job keeping myself in the closet. Lately, though, my identity issues are coming to the surface (spending more time with girls rather than with boys, 17 and still haven't had a girlfriend etc) let alone the depression; great depression that burdens me with sorrow day in-day out.

Nonetheless there's this friend of mine. She's hilarious, we have a great time together and the most significant of all, i know how open minded she is for her best friend is gay and she has absolutely no problem. But she has known him for ages while i met her a year ago and came really close to her during the last 3 or 4 months.

So, my question is: should i come out to her or not?

Pros: (a) she will definately accept me, i'm pretty sure; she seems like the 100% gay-friendly type of person, (b) although i know her for a short period of time i have this hunch that i could tell her anything; trust just comes so naturally, © if i don't discuss my problems with someone and if i don't find a friend with whom i won't have to wear the straight-mask, my depression will inevitably keep escalating.

Cons: (a) what if we ever have a fight and she reveals my secret for revenge? no one can guarantee that trust is to stay, (b) i don't want her to start treating me otherwise than usual if she finds out.

It is well known that trust is fragile and nobody is expected to keep to himself such top secrets for eternity. Supposing my sexuality was ever exposed by a friend of mine i would suicide, period! But can I live a life dreading to trust someone? It is essential at this time of my life to feel that i have alliances, i am not alone, but what if i make the biggest mistake of my life by telling her?

Your opinions are vital... please let me know what you would do in my case. Thanks for the understanding

Phillip
#2
why keep it a secret if you know it will lead to pain? since it will be painful to come out anyway? If she has a gay best friend, could you talk to him in confidence? This all sounds so familiar. Best wishes as you work through it all!! Remybussi
Heart  Life's too short to miss an opportunity to show your love and affection!  Heart
#3
Thinking ahead of time of the negative that will come out will only end with you stressing out and doing something extremely unnormal. Like most people.

Being proud of who you are is the key to being happy in the future. So make sure you know you want to do this before going ahead and doing it. Everything will be okay Smile
#4
You're right there are no guarantees that, someday, for some reason she will out you. People are horrible at keeping secrets, and, it might be she just has to tell someone.

Still, does it really matter? If you are moving toward coming out, it's going to happen one way or another sooner or later anyway and, if she is the one you feel safest with coming out to first, then it's a good place to start.
#5
Your friends sounds like the material that fag hags are made of... comfortable with gay men, or gay young men, goofy, enjoys their company, isn't necessarily into bedding them, but can enjoy their difference of outlook. Is she pretty?
If she's not in love with you (that's the only problem I can see) she will be supportive, surely. If she is in love with you, well, better dispell the notion that she'll ever be more than a friend.
In truth, once you've come out to someone, you can never quite control where the news goes. But you'll also find that it gets easier and easier just to be yourself and to tell other people. So maybe it would finally encourage you to tell some other close friends. If they don't accept you, then they were never your friends in the first place.
Given that you are still young, and probably in school, others would advise that telling everyone at school may not be the best idea (maybe even less in Greece, but I don't know how intolerant Greeks are) and waiting for release from school and getting into university or starting a job may be the better time to let people know.
I suppose, also, that you are worried about your parents finding out through the grapevine rather than from you. Am I right?
Do your parents know this good female friend of yours?
Take care and good luck. Maybe telling your secret to just one person to start with will be the beginning of your healing. I certainly hope so, Phillip.
#6
You are over analysing and over thinking everything...just tell her Wink
#7
First let me say Welcome to G.S.
Life never comes with guarantees,just remember words cannot be unspoken.
Trust stems from honesty, and betrayal hurts.

If you trust her and want to tell her , tell her .
do not over think this too much, and stay honest with yourself.

We are all here for you sweetie ,so keep us posted.
Bighug
#8
Thank you so much for your advice. Actually yesterday i came out to her like this "I have something to say: would you mind having... a second GAY best friend?" My body was so shaky at that time but her reaction blew my mind. She smiled, screamed "Really? I can't believe my ears! I love you!!" and hugged me firmly for 5 minutes!!
We sat and started talking about all the problems i was facing these years, she told me how gay-supportive she is and i made her vow never to tell and you know what? I FEEL GREAT!!! Coming out is indeed the best feeling ever. Like i was carrying a heavy bag on my shoulders and i let it all fall and now i feel... i feel... well like never before Smile
But the best part is that she decided to introduce to her other gay friend (which i find extremely attractive) for when we started talking about my sexuality she kept interrupting and i quote "OMG!! It's like i'm listening to him! You would be great together". So who knows? Maybe this coming out will lead to gay2gay friendship and later something more Wink
I finally found the courage to say out loud "i'm gay", the courage to accept who i am and share it with others, something that was impossible to do during the if you asked me a month ago. Thank you all again for your support, and my advice for the other visitors of the site with the same question "should i come out to him/her?": do it if you are sure they'll accept you. You'll feel lighter and happier than ever. Oh, and that was just the beginning for me Big Grin
#9
:biggrin:

Yay! Now you know what it feels like, it won't be so hard next time. Enjoy your new-found freedom to be you. Smile
#10
Well done mate, I am so pleased for you and proud of you Bighug


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