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Sleepless in Los Angeles
#1
Hey guys, first post here. So I'm getting pretty frustrated with my dating life, and social life in general, so I came here to see if I could find any good advice.

My name is Kurt and I live in the Los Angeles, CA area. I moved here in 2006 and yet the number of friends I have and the number of dates I've been on could probably be counted on one hand. This was never a big concern to me from the beginning as I thought if I worked hard and kept my nose in the books during school, that it would all pay off with a nice job and then I could get to my social life later. This all changed about a month ago when my cousin, whom I was close to, died. It made me realize that I need to take things slower, and that life wasn't about material things but rather it was about the relationships and closeness that we feel with other people.
Currently I'm working a high stress, low paying job which eats up a lot of my time. Every day I pine for the closeness that other people enjoy with their friends and boyfriends. It is often a thought that sticks with me all day, and eventually makes me really depressed by the end of my twelve hour shift.
I've tried to meet other guys at gay bars and clubs, and have also done some searching online and through grindr. However, most of these experiences began with sex and typically ended that night. I also have a couple flings I get to see once every 1-3 months but there is just no one consistent in my life.
I recently became so fed up with my condition that I bought a book about gay dating. The book had a lot of great things to say but there is a lot that I feel is left untouched.

One of my biggest problems is the approach. When I go out and see an attractive guy I find I become a dear in headlights. I freeze up and my brain stops working. I want to go over and introduce myself but I'm fearful of rejection but even more fearful that I won't have anything interesting to say and I'll be seen as a boring person.

Any advice on "The Approach" would be most helpful.

But even beyond the approach I have problems. For the guys I do meet, I feel like they quickly lose interest. I get a guy's number I like and we start texting (usually initiated by me), but then after a week the feelings of "like" seem to become exclusive to only me.

For example. There is this guy I met (I forget how, but most likely on the internet). We've seen each other in passing a few times and exchanged pleasantries, I've even been into his work a couple times just to have a friendly chat. Well I asked him out for coffee earlier in the week but he had work, and today I tried talking to him through text but I only got two one word response from him. A straight coworker of mine says this means he isn't interested.

What do I do when the guys I like, who seem to initially have some interest in me, begin to lose interest and not want to talk to me anymore?

What am I doing wrong.

Thanks
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#2
Hi Kurt, welcome to GaySpeak. Confusedmile:

I am sure there is more to your situation than what has come over in your few words of introduction. To be honest a couple of things came into my mind when I read your post. The first was that maybe you are putting yourself under a lot of pressure to get results. You say you are already in a high=pressure, low-pay job. Being stressed does not make someone good company.

Approaching someone you are interested in often takes practice. I'm glad I don't have to do it, because I know I would find it excruciatingly painful. However, I have also found that the significant relationships I have had with other people in my life all started out as friendships. Do you think it is possible to become the best person you can be and by default become the kind of interesting person that others find attractive?
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#3
I say just be yourself. It usually makes things much more comfortable when you introduce yourself in a joking manner. Laughter makes everything much more comfortable. If a person seems to start losing interest in you, try spending more time asking them questions about themselves. This will show that youre really interested in them and that you want to take the time to get to know them. Everyone likes to know they have someone thinking about them. If they still seem to lose interest, maybe they arent the right person.
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#4
I have the same problem with regard to studying all through school and expecting life to start when I finally get a job. I'm looking at your situation like I would look at someone in the job market. You're sending in resumes, staying in the potential employer's consciousness, and doing all the right things to get hired. Why haven't you been hired? You just haven't hit the right employer yet, who truly values your unique skill set and personality. Nobody gets every job they apply for, but the people who are the most persistent are often the most gainfully employed. Sorry for the metaphor, but I think what it boils down to is that you just haven't been going at this whole dating scene/relationship long enough. You have all the tools, but the right opportunity hasn't presented itself yet. I know it seems like some likely hits haven't happened. Back to my metaphor, I'm currently in the job market. I have applied for many jobs, a few of which I felt I would be perfect for. I worked my ass off to impress them, and three times so far I have been runner up for jobs I really wanted. It takes a lot of positive self talk for me to say "ok, it just wasn't as good a fit as I thought it was. I still did better than the 80+ other people who also applied and didn't get as far as I did, and I'll do better at the next one." As long as I work hard and remain persistent, something will have to pay off someday. I think you should look at your dating record like this. You've got the asking-people-out thing down, and you have no problem getting guys into bed (which I imagine is more awkward), so you have two legs up on my skills already Smile Take your own advice, slow down, and be confident that your efforts will pay off eventually.
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#5
"This all changed about a month ago when my cousin, whom I was close to, died."
i cant say your decision to relax is good or bad. I can say i bet if your cousin had debs into the decision he would not want his death to change your life. getting back to the books is an option.

"Currently I'm working a high stress, low paying job which eats up a lot of my time. "
yes i know the situation, its a recession. evaluate if you have the bandwidth to date. a relationship takes time effort and is a lot of work; something to be said just being single. if a relationship is a must do look; for someone to take care of you more than you taking care of him.

"There is this guy I met ... a straight coworker of mine says this means he isn't interested."
you could text him sunday evening if he wants to go out for a coffee and a walk or movie as friends. more drect; call him see if ye picks up. good luck.

"when the guys I like, who seem to initially have some interest in me, begin to lose interest"
-move on the the next, your totally perfect the way you are. put their name number in your iphone AddressBook so you can jump on it when they are more up.
-better software; okcupid.com
-seek out the lgbt stuff at your school
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#6
Hello Kurt--i liked reading ur post. I recently ended a yearlong "relationship" with someone who is only 18 and not especially hot but VERY needy and only looks at men 30 or 40 years older than he is. And for him it's amazingly easy to find "love." I have always liked much younger ppl, so my situation is the opposite to his: lots and lots of good sex, and not much else. I think for some ppl it is very easy to merge; it has to do with the way they are wired. For me, I have preferred to mostly look for sex, without any expectations. it can be really good in isolated moments, and then I move on to the next moment. things don't last. It's always been the Wild West in the gay world.
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#7
OOOOH GUYS, how my heart hurts. Since the last time I posted on here I've actually met a few guys who. One of them actually approached me and started things off by asking me to coffee. We ended up going on three dates, the last one of which was tonight. However, we just spoke through Facebook and he told me he wants to continue seeing me but only as a friend. This didn't come as a huge surprise as I almost felt like telling him the same thing but I now feel really upset. I feel like I've wasted my time a little and that all my relationships end before they even begin.

I just don't know what to do. I'm tired of waiting for guys to approach me, but almost terrified to do it myself. I'm also worried that the other guy I've been on one date with will also end up only wanting to be friends.

I feel crushed Sad
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