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Someone help please!
#1
I'm really struggling and I need someone to talk to, I'm 28 and about 2 months ago I realised I wanted to marry my gf of 3 years but I had never fully explored my gay side, I new there was always something there I just always ignored it because it scared me. But I began to be worried that I might end up 40/50 and realise I waisted my life and leave a family heart broken!

I decided to look into meeting up with a random for a casual meet to find out once and for all. I explain everything before we did so everyone was on the level.

I had decided that no matter what the outcome if I enjoyed it or not I would still go on to propose to my gf because I would know either way. I had a whole list of things I wanted to do to make sure I had sampled enough to know if I was gay or not (sex wasn't on the list) I figured if I only did certain things then I could go away and decide that it would t actually mean anything! And I would have to go thro it again!

Anyway I met the guy, I took round some beers we had a laugh, he was just like me , masculine, common interests, I really enjoyed myself, like meeting a new friend! Then he made a move and we snogged, no pressure from His side we had agreed to both being versatile before as it would give me more room to try different things.

He controlled the things we did to a degree and luckily this included everything on my list still no sex. We laid together after and I asked about feedback on what he thought of me and if I seemed to be enjoying it and if I seemed to get into it that sort of thing.

I left that night with a massive grin on my face! And I've been back 5/6 times since and we've ticket off everything else off the list including just chilling with each other cuddling and watching tv having meals together. We really like each other and it's not one sided!

We decided to take a break of a week because our emotions were both crazy for each other, after that we came back and both hit it off again! A week later we decide to date a longer break and if our feelings for each other are still as strong then we do
Something about it. I break up with my gf and we date properly no running around and no cheating!

I still love my gf but I'm crazy about this guy, it scares me more because if I don't go with him now I'll always regret it but my gf is perfect! I really cannot fault her! I would be happy either way and I'll regret not doing whatever I choose not to do!

Any help would be useful!
#2
Advice: do not ever have a regret in life. I am reminded what my first boss said: I only regret what I have not done.

You love your girlfriend and want to marry her. You really like this guy and want to date him.

On the surface they appear to be opposite desires. But are they really? Some questions:

Do you only want him for what she cannot bring to your relationship?

Do you only want her because that is what society has deemed as 'normal'?

Have you talked with her about your feelings for guys?

Have you talked with yourself about whether you are gay?

How long have you been with her?

How long have you been with him?

Can you still be friends with her, if you are with him?

Can you be friends with him, if you are with her?

Have you considered an open relationship where you get to have her and him? You described two types of relationships (him OR her), there is at least a third type (him AND her) and likely more.

No one will be able to tell you what to do. It is your life. But ask the questions of yourself and of those who are special in your life.
#3
Life is full of choices and options... It looks like you've come to a cross road where the path you pick is going to affect the rest of your life! Not something we're really equipt to offer flip of a coin advice on such a big decision. Being gay, I'm biased and would pick the guy. Smile
#4
um...

ok, not being mean here, just being honest.

does he know about her?

you do realize that you are cheating on your perfect girl right? this makes you an asshole.
you also do realize that if you do end up with her, you have an obligation to tell her about him and your interest in guys? that is, if you love her, don't want to lie to her and want her to really know, trust and accept you. That being said, whether you tell her now or later, it will hurt less if you tell her now.


If it were me, she would have known about all this before hand and I would have suggested we take a break from each other.

I agree with the whole living without regret thing and I understand what you are doing and why, but that does not give you license to be a dick just to get some dick...
#5
JayJay,

First off Welcome to the forum. You in the right place for advice (good and bad)

I get that your trying to do the right thing, and I applaud you for that.

I was married for 14 years before I came out properly, and it was a really hard time (kids/military etc.) My biggest regret is not being honest to myself from the start, and emotionally hurting a lot of people when I came out. Im not kidding when I say it took years to get over.

Most people go through the "curious stage" in there early to mid teens, so its actually quite unusual (in my experience) to be getting involved quite so late in life. Its quite telling that you use the phrase "my gay side" not my bi or curious side. I think that says lots by itself.

Sexuality is a very complex beast, and as you're finding out, its very difficult to put pandora back in the box.

The fact that you have continued to see, and enjoy the company of the other guy, clearly indicates that if your not gay, at the very least you are bi.

Entering in to a monogamous str8 relationship at this stage would be disastrous for both of you. Do you honestly want to start off your married life already living a lie. If you love her as a person, you will gently walk away. There will be lots of questions, and no doubt some tears, but what you do now is the right thing.

Message me direct if you need to talk more outside the public forum.

Good Luck,
ObW
X
#6
I think you need to the true and honest with yourself first and then your girlfriend. Can you continue your relationship with her knowing and liking this new part of yourself. Take a long hard think about what you want most in life before making any rash decisions.
#7
50Plus Wrote:Advice: do not ever have a regret in life. I am reminded what my first boss said: I only regret what I have not done.

You love your girlfriend and want to marry her. You really like this guy and want to date him.

On the surface they appear to be opposite desires. But are they really? Some questions:

Do you only want him for what she cannot bring to your relationship? [COLOR="DarkOrange"]Yes, and the more time I spend with her the more being with him makes sense....
[/COLOR]
Do you only want her because that is what society has deemed as 'normal'?[COLOR="rgb(255, 140, 0)"] I want her because she is perfect, honestly, by any guys standards, everything about this girl is perfect! So if i can find the perfect girl and still not be happy.....atleast now I know why I'm not happy.[/COLOR]

Have you talked with her about your feelings for guys? [COLOR="rgb(255, 140, 0)"]She had asked once if I had ever been wit a guy during a lewd discussion around 3 somes and I said no, but that's the truth, this guy is my first, he was my first everything.... what if this is why I have such an emotional attachment to him..?[/COLOR]

Have you talked with yourself about whether you are gay? [COLOR="rgb(255, 140, 0)"]nope and I've tried, I'v done a porn test and thought things were really hot recently, before that I've always admired guys bodies and caught myself checking out asses,[/COLOR]

How long have you been with her? [COLOR="rgb(255, 140, 0)"]2.5 years[/COLOR]

How long have you been with him? [COLOR="rgb(255, 140, 0)"]7/8 dates spread out over 2 months[/COLOR]

Can you still be friends with her, if you are with him? [COLOR="rgb(255, 140, 0)"]Only if I lie to her could I convince her to do this i thnk, I'm not sure how she would take it.[/COLOR]

Can you be friends with him, if you are with her? [COLOR="rgb(255, 140, 0)"]Isn't that unfair on him? He might be open to it
[/COLOR]
Have you considered an open relationship where you get to have her and him? You described two types of relationships (him OR her), there is at least a third type (him AND her) and likely more.

No one will be able to tell you what to do. It is your life. But ask the questions of yourself and of those who are special in your life.

My answers are in orange I think if I have worked this right?
#8
He knows everything,

If I chose her she will never trust me again and it would be over so by this logic based on what I Have done I have to pick him....
#9
You must face the fact that your relationship with her is more developed. You have not known him as long or in the same way. Don't make the mistake of thinking that he will commit to you. Maybe. Maybe not. You need time to gain a balanced perspective.
I bid NO Trump!
#10
Jayjay Wrote:He knows everything,

If I chose her she will never trust me again and it would be over so by this logic based on what I Have done I have to pick him....

I'm glad to hear that at least -he- knows everything.

I wouldn't assume that she would react by breaking up with you or never trusting you again. People can forgive a LOT of the one they love, even cheating.

Also, this.... "based on what I Have done I have to pick him".

I'm sorry but I hold objection to the words "have to". Do you NEED to be with someone to be happy? Are you not your own man and able to stand on your own if neither is the "right one"?

Others talk about not having regrets. But, the fact is? Because of the way you started down this path (dishonestly) you will always have regrets for what happens. Regrets that you weren't honest to your girl. Regrets that -someone- got hurt. Unless someone is a sociopath, there will always be regrets in life. (Acceptance that that's the way it had to be to get where you are today doesn't negate the fact that regrets along the way can and do happen.)

The moral of my post? If you want to stick with your girl.... then give your girl a chance to make up her own mind, instead of assuming what she'll do and making it up for her.
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