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Telling my Girlfriend, Is it Good Time?
#1
Hi This is my first time posting, although I have been lurking for a while. For years I've known that I'm gay. The hard part has been accepting it. I don't have low self-esteem, but its been difficult wrapping my mind around the concept. In the past two months I have come to embrace it, but with trepidation. People have been guessing for years, and I always brush it off with a coy smile and a playful "Noooo..." But now that I'm in college, I feel as if its time for a fresh start, and a time to be myself. I find it easier to tell strangers, but harder for people I know well. I told my first person yesterday, and I feel as if a weight has been lifted off my back. But there is the real issue at hand, my girlfriend of two years.

I care about her and she is a wonderful person, but I'm not interested in her in that way, especially after having "Relations" with her, not to be graphic. But she's always been there for me and has helped my through tough times, and when I was with her I was trying to convince myself that "being gay" was a phase, and the little voice in my head was very quiet. But it is at this point now that I can now longer hold it in. She deserves better, and she is a wonderful person, so I hate to see her get hurt. I thought, because she goes to a different college, that we would drift apart, and it would end painlessly. But the other day she called when we haven't talked for weeks, as if nothing had changed, and I wanted to scream it from the rooftops to her, and get it over with. Because I am a faithful person, and I would never cheat on someone. But I find it difficult to say it. There was one time when I joked to her "What if I was gay, lol" and she responded "If you were gay, I would feel as if I wasted two years of my life, and I would be depressed." So it makes me feel awful that I have to do this. I know there is no other option and I can't live a lie, nor lead her on, it's not fair. But lately my grandmother has been sick and has been declining, and she has been there for me when ever I would cry, And today a couple of hours ago she passed away. So thing are tough for me right now, but I no longer wish to lie to her. Should I wait a few days, or tell her as soon as possible? I know I shouldn't have waited this long, but whats been done, is done. What do you guys think?

Sorry if its Tl;Dr
#2
I'd tell her as soon as you can do it face to face. Tell her what you've just posted here. Let her know that you will always value and cherish the time you were together, but that you know it isn't fair to either of you to keep pretending to be straight.

Yes he will be hurt, probably cry, but you are being gentle and honest as you can, and you are letting both of you move on and, find a partner that is right. As hard as it is, that's a lot better than dragging it out and, making you both miserable in the process.
#3
In my experience there is no "good" time when coming out...no matter which path you take someone will most likely shed a tear.

You know what you have to do, buddy...I'm sorry that you are in that situation but as you said, what's done is done. The best thing you can do is to get it over with as soon as possible. Waiting will only delay what needs to be said and you will keep waiting...haven't you waited long enough already?

Whether you tell her today or next week I doubt her reaction will change...We're all here for you though and will support you every step of the way. *Hugs* good luck. We have to crawl through a narrow path of thorns to end up on the other side...that's the way life is, though after the pain you'll feel the weights will have been lifted.

I hope everything works out for you.
#4
First of all, I'm sorry to hear about your grandmother. Second, I would make a special time to talk to her. If you still live relatively close to her, I would do it as soon as possible. I'm sure she will be upset, but you are right about her deserving better.

Good luck and I would encourage you to visit this site often for more support.
#5
if you can wait you feel good about things. your family matters sorted
#6
Thank you guys for all of your support, she lives pretty far away, but we decide to meet up Tuesday. She called earlier and I just told her that I have a lot of things on my mind and that I want to talk. So wish me luck.
#7
So for the past two years, you as a gay man have been in a relationship with a woman? Did I get that straight? You have been lying to her all this time?

Right now you two are in different colleges and pretty much on different life paths. There are other reasons to 'break up' other than your being, you know, gay.

I say why stop lying now... Yeah sure that doesn't give you a good way to leave the relationship, however there are other things going on, distance, time apart, different life goals.

While I'm usually the first one that says 'tell the truth'. I think in this case is to let her go for other reasons (We are too distant, I find my love for you has grown cold - my life plans are going down a separate path).

I think this will be easier for her this way. To believe that the past two years were not a total 'waste' on someone who couldn't love her back and used her to keep this straight front.

With this 'white lie' she can at least coming through this with some fond memories and the belief that what she had was totally honest for as long as it lasted.

Your announcing 'I'm gay, lets break up.' Will sound like 'Guess what woman, you were such a bad relationship you turned me gay!'

Yes I know, that isn't what happened - but her mind will play strange games with her, and she will never have any real 'proof' that she didn't do it to you.

One of the top questions women ask when their husband/partner comes out is what did they do to make him that way.

Since there is already distance between you too, I think that breaking up over that distance and over the different paths your lives are talking, is going to be easier for her to accept at face value and move on 'whole' than your coming out this way.

Yes later 2-10 years down the road you two will meet again, and you can tell her then that you discovered after her that you liked men. This keeps her confidence in herself as a woman, and also gives her a boost to think that you were the best (if only) woman you ever had.

Again, I normally stress truth, so lets not let this lying thing become a habit. This is more of a 'white' or comforting lie for her sake.
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#8
That's actually a really good idea, and its very true. I really hadn't looked at it that way. Even if it's a "White lie" it actually has a lot of truth to it. I've been realizing, that we were different people. That we don't agree on what we used to or hold the same ideals that we did in high school. That's a much better way of putting it, because in my mind I've been driving myself crazy on how to say it. But I've been putting that on the back burner because of all the support she has given me, I wasn't going to do it because I didn't want to sound like "Thanks for all the help, but know I''m done with you" and I wanted to put it in a way that would make her think that it wasn't her fault but then again, no matter what I say it's probably going to sound like that now isn't it. Well I've made my bed to lay in, so I should face it no matter what happens. Thank you very much.
#9
Very good advice Bowyn, I should have considered that. I'm too honest sometimes, I know.
#10
What Bowyn said. A thousand, million times what he said.


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