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The Dreaded Memory Has Arisen/ Possible Triggers
#1
I saw my counselor yesterday and we spent the whole session talking about my sexuality and why I would have issues with men. I use to think it was all because of my first boyfriend who sexually abused me. But once I really thought about it, I was scared of sex and men (especially older men) before I even met Ben. My counselor agreed that that was a sign something happened in my childhood. At first I thought it was an uncle, but when I really thought about it, he's just not that type of person.

I laid down and let my memory wander...it went back to a daycare that was ran by a woman in her own house. She would get us on the bus in the morning, and sometimes she would babysit us if my parents needed one. Her husband was there too. A bunch of the other kids, now young adults, have come out and said he molested them. My only memory was entering the computer room and looking at his trophies. He was on the computer and didn't seem to pay me any mind and I had a bad feeling about him. Mind you I was either 6, 7 or 8 years old. I thought that was where the memory ended.

But yesterday the memory continued in a direction I never expected. He swiveled the computer chair and motioned for me to come over. He sat me on one of his legs and started talking to me. He asked me was a "cocka" is. I was very uncomfortable. I don't know if he tried to get me to touch him or if he touched me, but I remember him saying not to tell anyone, it was a secret and shushed me out of the room. I felt very confused afterward.

Did I pull this out of my ass? Or was it an actual memory, one that I've been blocking for years? It would explain my fear of adult men all my life. Back when I had PTSD I would get nightmares about older men raping me and younger men raping me. I don't think I was raped but I was seriously violated by men and it makes me wonder if these experiences shaped me into being bisexual...or gay...or whatever the hell I am. I'm glad I pulled out the memory, because I had been searching for answers for so long.
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#2
From personal experience, abuse doesn't 'cause' any sexualities, it represses sexualities as it represses memories.
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#3
dfiant Wrote:From personal experience, abuse doesn't 'cause' any sexualities, it represses sexualities as it represses memories.

Hm. Interesting. I didn't think of it like that. My counselor and some friends have been saying I turn to women because I feel more comfortable with them. My mother was very abusive toward me, but I still prefer women. So maybe it has nothing to do with the abuse.
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#4
ElfiexElfSeeker Wrote:Hm. Interesting. I didn't think of it like that. My counselor and some friends have been saying I turn to women because I feel more comfortable with them. My mother was very abusive toward me, but I still prefer women. So maybe it has nothing to do with the abuse.

Do you see something that makes sense in that reply?

I'll give you a hint...abusive mother...looking to woman for comfort?

It actually has more to do with abuse than it does sexuality Wink
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#5
Hello,
I am sorry to hear about the abuse... Consoling with abuse can be very difficult especially if something has happenned with being a child because as children our brains are like sponges and we absorb everything. Your uncle should be ashamed of himself and I think the bit that your having difficulty with is accepting what may or may not happenned.. I know when i was younger i suffered 12 years of physical abuse from my step father who was northern and as a child this made me very nervous of people who had an accent from up north and it took me five years afterwards to consider giving other people a chance.. Abuse is something that usually happens to a child by someone they know and are ment to be able to trust and your uncle is someone who isnt able to be trusted. Have you thought about taking the case to the police and speaking with them about appropriate action to take? I know ti can be hard and can understand if you choose not to however your life should be lead freely and not be tied down by a monster thinking he can just do what he wants. I think furtthermore maybe speak with your counsellor about possibilities of being able to move on from this and putting the demons behind you.. I know in my case my ex step father is dying slowly of alcohol related issues and trust me it is slowly as im sure the devil is looking after his own and i found that what helped me break away from it was telling someone who was once close to him which was my mother... Is he your father or mothers brother??? Whoevers brother he is maybe speak with them and have a heart to heart because they have a right to know and can help prevent this happenning to any other family members if any are still sending their children there.
Abuse is a circle which continues to spirial until someone takes an appropriate action to break the damn thing and put an end to it.. It is hard revealing something painful and it was with me because i didnt know whether my mother would listen and believe me or not and also i would recommend maybe trying to remember some moments when it wasnt obvious as a child but in fact the motive behind it was... Like with me for example i told my mother that he would often tell her to go shopping for him and she would leave me at home and thats where i got severely beaten.. I do understand also how sickening it is making you but the sooner the pain is dealt with the sooner your able to move on..
Nopw with regards to your bi sexuality i wouldnt say the abuse made you like this because i was beaten by a man and i havent gone hetrosexual... I would say the bi sexuality has always been there except the abuse side of it has made you very weary of men... If your wanting to get confidence back in men a little why not start with the non threatening type which is gay men and build upon that for a while whether it be a year two or more and then when your ready to gain trust in men again go from there and be determined that if they dont treat you like a princess which you truely deserve as every woman deserves in life from someone who loves them regardless of sexuality then they can personally... Go bollocks...

Big Aunty hugs

Aunty Zeon xx
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#6
zeon Wrote:Hello,
I am sorry to hear about the abuse... Consoling with abuse can be very difficult especially if something has happenned with being a child because as children our brains are like sponges and we absorb everything. Your uncle should be ashamed of himself and I think the bit that your having difficulty with is accepting what may or may not happenned.. I know when i was younger i suffered 12 years of physical abuse from my step father who was northern and as a child this made me very nervous of people who had an accent from up north and it took me five years afterwards to consider giving other people a chance.. Abuse is something that usually happens to a child by someone they know and are ment to be able to trust and your uncle is someone who isnt able to be trusted. Have you thought about taking the case to the police and speaking with them about appropriate action to take? I know ti can be hard and can understand if you choose not to however your life should be lead freely and not be tied down by a monster thinking he can just do what he wants. I think furtthermore maybe speak with your counsellor about possibilities of being able to move on from this and putting the demons behind you.. I know in my case my ex step father is dying slowly of alcohol related issues and trust me it is slowly as im sure the devil is looking after his own and i found that what helped me break away from it was telling someone who was once close to him which was my mother... Is he your father or mothers brother??? Whoevers brother he is maybe speak with them and have a heart to heart because they have a right to know and can help prevent this happenning to any other family members if any are still sending their children there.
Abuse is a circle which continues to spirial until someone takes an appropriate action to break the damn thing and put an end to it.. It is hard revealing something painful and it was with me because i didnt know whether my mother would listen and believe me or not and also i would recommend maybe trying to remember some moments when it wasnt obvious as a child but in fact the motive behind it was... Like with me for example i told my mother that he would often tell her to go shopping for him and she would leave me at home and thats where i got severely beaten.. I do understand also how sickening it is making you but the sooner the pain is dealt with the sooner your able to move on..
Nopw with regards to your bi sexuality i wouldnt say the abuse made you like this because i was beaten by a man and i havent gone hetrosexual... I would say the bi sexuality has always been there except the abuse side of it has made you very weary of men... If your wanting to get confidence back in men a little why not start with the non threatening type which is gay men and build upon that for a while whether it be a year two or more and then when your ready to gain trust in men again go from there and be determined that if they dont treat you like a princess which you truely deserve as every woman deserves in life from someone who loves them regardless of sexuality then they can personally... Go bollocks...

Big Aunty hugs

Aunty Zeon xx

The man wasn't my uncle, he was the husband of the babysitter. A lot of kids were hurt my him, including my sister too. She was his next target. After the ordeal with my sister my family quit taking us there. They had a police investigation but they didn't have the evidence to back the case up at the time. I was told to keep everything a secret and I did until I was like...19 years old. My sister was scarred for life and so was I.

I don't want to tell my parents about it. It would just rehash my sister's case and it wouldn't get us anywhere. I think he's finally been caught and is known as a sex offender in the neighborhood. We don't live there anymore.

I plan to work with my counselor on this, to get past it. Having the memory known is half the battle. I can heal from this and my abuse from my boyfriend.
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#7
There's still a lot about memory that is a mystery so it's hard to say anything definitive. But in your case it sounds probable. OTOH that also sounds like repression which I thought was a type of dissociation, and I kinda thought dissociation and PTSD worked differently. That is, someone dissociative remembers and/or feels nothing related to the trauma while the one with PTSD has the memory and/or feelings burned into the brain and CAN'T forget, so I'm a little confused on how one could have both (especially if it's for the same thing). At least for me personally I respond to severe trauma with PTSD rather than dissociation.

And just out of curiosity, did you have a father figure (real dad or not) in your life as a child? What was he like and how do you think he affected your view on men?


And in case it needs to be said: please don't feel obligated to answer any questions on this thread that you don't want to or see no point in answering.
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#8
Hi Elfie
I am so very sorry for what happened to you.
Bighug

Sweetie sooner or later you are going to have to deal with this, the more you suppress this the more withdrawn you will become.
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#9
I have to wonder if this event really took place, or if your therapist gave you the suggestion and now your brain is piecing together an interesting story.

I have repressed memories and I have more than a few recovered memories. I didn't have a therapist to start the recalling, that happened on its own.


When I told my therapist about my difficulties with recalling a large chunk of my childhood (from mid 8 to mid 12) and I explained some of the things I had been going through in the recalling department, the therapist left the room and brought in another therapist and they checked and balanced each other to make certain they were not making suggestions for me to follow and piece together a story from.

You need to call your therapist and explain to her what just happened.

You also need to google Repressed Memories - there is a lot of controversy on the subject, most of that is due to how therapists have failed to handle these situations and how 'false memories' can easily be planted.


Sexual abuse as a child can have an impact on your sexuality. Not everyone is born gay, a few are actually 'made'. Sexual abuse, trauma, rape - these sorts of things can actually turn a straight person gay, or a gay person straight. Depending on the abuser and their gender in relation to the gender of the victim.

Women have been known to have been abused by a male or more than one male and end up seeking the comfort of a women. Not because they are 'gay' but because there is a human need for intimacy.

It is better known with women because women more readily report abuse/rape than men. Thus follow up of such cases is easier.

This is not the same thing as being gay. This is a compromise type situation where out of fear of being hurt, or out of a strong need for love, the person seeks the comfort of the same gender.

Did this happen to you? Possibly. Are you now recovering memories? I don't know. You do need to make certain that if this is repressed memories coming to the forefront of your mind that you have more than just one professional person dealing with it.
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#10
Wow. Where do I even begin to answer all of this?

I have considered that my mind made up the memory. But its just so real and I can see it so clearly. Something happened to me as a child that made me fear men and equate sex with negativity. This is the most logical conclusion but I can't help if I wonder if its real. My counselor didn't put it in my head, I'm the one who brought it up to her and she agreed that something likely happened. I have repressed memories before. Apparently my dad hit me with a belt but all I remember is his yelling and waving it at my sister and I. He hit us both, but only my sister remembers the actual physical contact. I called my counselor to tell her about the memory. I have yet to hear from her, and I can't afford a second professional opinion. I can barely afford counseling sessions as is.

I will probably never know if it is real or not. Maybe it doesn't matter. I just want to move on with my life.

My dad was a lot of fun growing up. He had his bursts of violent rage but he never hit me, my siblings or my mom. He would take out his rage on furniture. He was very religious and did Bible study with us. I'm much closer to my dad than I am to my mom. My mom was the scary abuser in our family. I'm still kind of scared of her. I use to put my dad on a pedestal, but last year I came to realize who and what he really is. And its not always such a great picture.

Whether or not my experiences turned me gay doesn't matter, because I will never know that for certain either. All I know is I want to be with a woman in a loving healthy relationship and I see nothing wrong with this.
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