Hello everyone! Just thought I'd share my experience...
I told my mum back in March 08, two weeks before my third yr medicine finals - clearly, it wasn't a good idea. My mum and brother moved to Scotland from Malaysia in Oct 07, as my dad passed away in June 07 and there ws no one to look after them. I introduced my boyfriend (as a 'friend') to them. My bf and I have been together for almost 21 months now. When mum and bro arrived, we rented a car to fetch them from the airport. My bf even tutored my 13 year-old brother for free. They all seem to get along very well. Since my relationship with mum was extremely good, I thought she wouldn't have any problems with my sexuality and would give me her full support. She would want to see me settle down with the person I love, I THOUGHT.
It took me a few days to find the courage to actually tell her the truth. She did not take it very well, and forced me to breakup with my bf (My bf and I are now going out secretly). She doesn't allow me to see my bf, and clearly, the tuition was also stopped. She thought I was mentally ill and asked me to see a psychiatrist. She just couldn't accept the fact that I am gay and kept saying that it was my bf who 'turned' me gay. Tried my very best to explain, but she just wouldn't listen. We had A LOT of arguments, to the point that I couldn't revise for my exams and didn't feel comfortable in the flat. She even called me a 'beast', said that I was abnormal, and said a lot of other hurtful stuff. She even tried to threaten me by saying that she wants to leave with my younger brother and never see me again. She also told me that she thought of commiting suicide. It really put me in a very difficult situation. Worst of all, she also forced me to promise her that I will never have a boyfriend again, and that i will either get a girlfriend or stay single for the rest of my life. I thought things would just end there, but she kept bringing up the topic for the next few months, which resulted in even more arguments. In some occasions, i was even physically abused.
Things eventually became a tiny bit better - in the sense that now, she doesn't bring up the topic AS OFTEN.. She's now trying to turn my bro into a homo-phobic. She still talks about how I HAVE to marry a FEMALE and have kids, as it is part of the chinese culture bla bla bla. Every now and then, whenever she hears anything to do with the word 'gay' (even if it's part of a dialogue on the tele), she would say how 'abnormal' and 'disgusting' gay ppl are. We came back to M'sia for summer a couple of weeks ago. Whenever we go and visit her friends, she will start talking about sexuality and about how disgusting homosexuals are, just to show that her friends agree with her, and to tell me that I'm the worst and the most disgusting human being ever lived for falling in love with a man. (her friends are all quite old and some are very religious ppl). Recently, she also started talking about how unfillial I am, even though I've done my best to take care of her and tried my best to give her the best. I work part time during term-time and I spend most of my earnings on our food and I always give her whatever that is left over so that she has money to spend. I even bought her a Louis Vuitton handbbag for her b'day. I'm always there to listen to her. I really have no idea what I've done to be tagged unfillial.
Sometimes, I wonder if she ever cares about my feelings.................... I'm all stressed.
p/s: Thanks for listening... I mean, reading!
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OMG! So sorry to read about your situation. How desperate it sounds 
Malaysia seems to be a deeply homophobic society and religion, once again (this time I believe it's Islam?), seems to be at the root. Are imprisonment and beatings/whippings still dished out to those convicted of homosexual acts?
Clearly your mother is wrong. I don't understand how anyone can believe that this kind of tough love (I can only assume that's what she thinks she's doing) is going to do anything other than drive the family apart and make everyone deeply unhappy.
She moved to Scotland? I assume no one kidnapped her and forced her there against her will? Just as I would expect to have to live by Malaysian law if I moved there (however unenlightened I might personally consider it to be) the converse should be true. Sadly it seems that some immigrants bring the worst of their customs with them. The glbt community in the UK has fought long and hard to earn equal treatment and recognition under the law. When at last there seems to be a protective framework in place it saddens me to hear that you are being placed in this untenable situation.
Maybe she should talk to a psychiatrist? The World Health Organisation removed homosexuality from the International Classification of Diseases as a mental disorder on May 17 1990.
You sound remarkable indeed, vw256. I'm sure I would be far less charitable than you and very angry indeed if anyone interfered with my right to make my own choices about the way I deal with my personal life, my legally permissable, none of anyone else's business, personal life.
You cannot be in a secret relationship with your partner forever. The pressure will take its toll on your health and probably on the relationship. Yet, how can you go against your mother, particularly when you come from a society that places such high value on family relationships?
Sorry for the rant, but I am moved to passionate anger when I hear of such ignorant abuses. I fear there is no easy way out of this. You must not go back in the closet and your poor mother is going to have to learn how to live in 21st century Britain. My sincere best wishes to you and your partner as you navigate your life between Scylla and Charybdis 
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oh no that is very very sad.i realy hope everything gets better one day
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Aww hon wish there was something i could do for you. It can be so hard to make people see us for who we are. All i can say is it sounds as though you deal with things admirably and such determined stoicism and devotion to your family really truly is exceptional.
You don't have to deal with that kind of treatment. If she really is that abusive, i'd waste no time in telling her to leave or packing my own bags and disappearing, whichever were more practical. If you go it'll give her the chance to see what a loving and dedicated child she's losing. Hopefully she'll come round eventiually, but in the meantime it may be better for you to break away. It's never come to that point with my family, but there have been so many times where i've had to threaten to and my parents know i'd waste no time doing it.
xxx
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Bloody HELL babe what AWFUL awful news !!
I am so so sorry !! .
There isn't really a huge amount I can add to the advise you've been given aside from backing up the comments other people have provided you with.
I think it goes without saying that you know that there is nothing wrong with you (no matter what your mother or any of her hardcore-religious "friends" say). It does make me wonder what kind of friend would tell their friend to chastise, belittle, abuse and isolate their own child simply because of the way they were born, but mine is not to know such things I guess.
With regard to your boyfriend, I actually perceive that as a GOOD thing to keep going, whether it be in secret or open, on the basis that it gives you somebody to help counterbalance this otherwise SERIOUSLY untenable situation ...
The pride and resolve with which you are facing this awful and DEEPLY hurtful situation is a lesson to many others, and I take my hat off to you for that babe.
Obviously if there's anything we can do, just ask and I'm sure we'll try our best.
 .
xXxXx
!?!?! Shadow !?!?!
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I'm going to say this very bluntly, and much as it must hurt you to consider it, I think you should drop your family for a while... return to your boyfriend and to your life.
There are words from the poet Khalil Gibran to the effect that parents don't OWN their children, that children are only LENT to parents for a little while... I don't remember the exact words but it means that no parent is entitled by their parenthood to treat their children as their property or their toy. He's right (and also probably from an Islamic culture) so I guess you need to gain affirmation of your identity and soul, emancipation from the culture that abhores you and also walk away from such parental abuse. You have nothing to gain from remaining in such a terrible situation except maybe self hate and depression. What inspires your mother is quite clearly fear... and possibly self disgust (how can she have borne a homosexual child?). It is a total shame that she cannot see the wonderful son she has. What's difficult now is the kind of pressure she will put on your little brother. What a shock if he turned out to be gay too (in my family my younger brother was also gay).
I hope you find a way to make things work out with your boyfriend who must miss you terribly. Your mother can't expect you to live your life for herself, that is not only abusive, it's selfish. I hope she will learn, by and by, that it is perfectly acceptable in British society to be gay and happy. Good luck, VW.
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vw, thanks for posting such a strong and moving story. I believe you have such positive power to continue living with your family/mother. As my mate would say "SHAME" on your mother.
On another forum I am chatting with another young Chinese (he calls me his mentor, LOL). He does have some Japanese blood. I lived in Tokyo for 10 years. Seems the Japanese have it a little better. Even if gay men get married to women and the hubby has a bf then the poor wifey has to pull out the futons for the male lovers... anyways, D has some of the same issues as you and he is looking for his first bf. He is so worried that his family, especially his mom, will find out and throw him out.
I agree with so much of everyones posts but especially about going at it on your own with your boyfriend. I was a little confused about your finances... you say that your mom cut off your tuition but then you say that you are working and giving your mom money and feeding your family. So if you are making it without your moms financial support and if she is driving you insane... then get out ASAP. Let her come to an understanding of what a beaut of a son she lost.
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Perhaps I misread it - I read it as his boyfriend had stopped giving tuition to his younger brother since (presumably) the mother wouldn't have anything further to do with him ... ?
!?!?! Shadow !?!?!
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Thank you VERY MUCH for all the advice - I truly appreciate every single reply to this thread. I really wished I had joined this forum earlier!!!!
Marshlander, yes, i think imprisonment and beatings/whippings are still dished out to those convicted of homosexual acts, but I'm not 100% sure. I believe that this is probably the reason why all the gay men here in M'sia are very much in the closet. As for my mum and bro, my elder sister and I thought it might be a gd idea to invite them over to the UK as no one is in M'sia to look after them and to be honest, M'sia isn't really the safest place to live in. My sister works down in England, so mum and bro live with me. I've asked mum to speak to a psychiatrist before, as I think she is quite depressed (because of my dad's death and me telling her i'm gay). But she just wouldn't listen. She denies being depressed and once, we even got into an argument because of this.
Princealbertofb, I completely agree with you. My mum got really upset when she knew that I've told my close friends about my sexuality. She wants me to be in the closet. As she is settling down and making friends in Aberdeen, she doesn't want her friends to know as 'it will bring SHAME to the family'. I have, in the past, thought about moving out and living on my own, but my main concern is my younger brother. He is only 13, and if I move out, mum will definitely bring him back to study in asia. He's doing extremely well in school, and i really want him to get the best education. Also, my dad's death has kinda made me appreciate my family even more, as they won't be here forever. So, moving out is probably not the best move... Also, my mum has decided to stay with me for the rest of her life - she said that it's because i am (or was) her favourite child, but i suspect that she just wants to make sure that i stay single.
Shadow and fjp999, my boyfriend stopped tutoring my younger brother as my mum doesn't want to see him ever again - a bit ungrateful, i thought.
Oh well, there's nothing I can do (a total eclipse of the heart lol!). This has put quite a lot of pressure on my relationship with my bf e.g. he can't call me when i'm at home, we can only meet at certain times of the day (as I have to be home by 9pm). Also, I have to save his number as Stace on my mobile, so that mum won't know he texted/called. We've also created a code to replace 'I love you' etc.
Looks like I'll have to live life like this for a while. Hopefully, things will change when I graduate and start working. I try to work around things and not let it bother me too much. Time won't stop for anyone, so might as well put on a smile and make the best of it. I'm really glad that i have joined this forum and met some nice, caring and understanding members while going through a pretty rough patch in my life. Thank you once again, everyone!
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Sound, that's what I thought ...
It's not just ungrateful babe - it's outrageous ... for anybody to think (and I'm sorry because I know she's your mum, and that you obviously love her) that it's acceptable to take whilst it's plain sailing, and then reject because they find something THEY don't like out, which ultimately changes NOTHING about a person, is really bang outta order in my eyes ...
But then again so is the notion that anybody could turn on their own baby simply by virtue of learning something that they will NEVER be able to change, no matter how much they might believe they want to ...
... when I first read the suggestion that your mum ought to be the one seeking counselling I raised an eyebrow as I thought it rather a personal observation, but the more I think about it, the more I think it might actually benefit her ?
... because the way she's behaving at the moment is ludicrous.
No offence ...
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!?!?! Shadow !?!?!
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