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This guy...
#1
So, I guess that this is another what do I do / getting things off my chest post...

When I came out a few months ago, one of the people I came out to about my feelings was a gay mate that I've known for a few years but he had always thought that I was straight.

I don't get to see him often as we are both busy with life etc. A few months ago we spent a nice day together at a local tourist attraction. At this time My wife and I were still together, but he made it known that he had always found me attractive. He likes that I am tall and broad, and sees me as very manly, that day he kept playfully slapping my arms and back, which I loved! We connect on a spiritual and philosophical level too. He's older than me, in great shape, and is suave and continental!

I saw him yesterday evening, the first time since my wife and I split. We had my house to ourselves and listened to music, chatted, had dinner, and watched the sun go down over a local cliff- he joked about how romantic it was! He spent a lot of time telling me how attractive he finds me, and that he would like to consider a relationship with me, if I felt that I was in the right place. I found it so hard to not give in to his charm but something is holding me back. I think that boils down to two things; firstly, I'm still feeling very guilty about coming out and the impact on my wife (now in separate rooms, we have occasionally talked about the possibility of trying again, but nothing has come of this, I'm not sure if it can now). Secondly, I really like his friendship and worry about what would happen to that should something happen between us and did not work out.

One thing that I do know, it is only a matter of time before I feel that I need to form an intimate relationship with a guy, whether it is my friend, or meeting someone. That urge is growing stronger each day!
Barbarus hic ego sum quia non intelligor ulli
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#2
Sounds like there's some great potential there, but you're not quite in the right place at the moment, and he and you both see that.

I could see how it would be difficult to be involved with someone else while still sharing a house with your wife. If ever you get your own place, you are probably still going to need to process your relationship to your wife for quite some time. You're also probably going to do some exploring before you'd be ready to settle down into anything serious again. But Eros works as he does! So it will be interesting, to be sure.
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#3
Well, @Zen, of course you are feeling the tug of attraction to men, and the tug of the newby to start a relationship or something to get the juices flowing (so to speak). But as in any other relationship isn't there something like a period of courtship or something that you could impose mentally on yourself? Is this impaired by the fact that you and this man have known one another for a long time? Do you think you've got him pegged down already or is there more about him you could be learning for a relationship to come out of this potentially?

I think you might try to do a bit of official dating with him while, maybe, also trying out some other dates to see whether he could be the one, or if you are looking for something else.

I think it is not uncommon for former friends to become something more especially when one of you suddenly becomes 'available'. I'm sure your friend never 'hit on you' whilst he thought you were straight. Well, maybe a little bit of light banter, but now he's going to pursue this because he obviously likes you.

The thing is you haven't had time to sow your wild 'gay' oats yet, and maybe you need to do this. It's pretty much what men do who've suddenly let themselves loose from a straight relationship. I'm not saying all of them do, but there is this temptation to make up for wasted time. Again I'm not saying that you will feel as if you need to do this, not if you find that perfect relationship right off the bat.

Maybe this is something that you definitely need to discuss with him. Let him know how you feel, let him know about your hangups and see if together you can't work through them.

He, on the other hand, has already had time to evaluate you as a potential good partner to make a life with, so maybe ask him why he thinks that. And it ought to be about more than you having a broad frame. :biggrin: . For one thing, he doesn't even know if you'd be a good fuck, to be blunt. Maybe you need to ask him what he thinks would become of your friendship, should you both go down the friend with benefits route and find out that you are romantically incompatible. Ask him, I'm sure he'll welcome the opportunity to open up his heart.
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#4
I'd agree with Camfer Stu, you may not be in the right place at the moment, and that's is what is holding you back. It is a big risk to the friendship to go down the route of something more, is it a risk you are willing to take in the long run? Aside from timing, does everything else feel right in taking things further?

It seems like he is aware that it might not be the right time for you. Currently, he is a good friend, so why not talk this through with him? Let him know about your fears that the relationship as it is would be at risk? Communicating is key as ever, ok, it may not the most romantic start to a potential relationship, but these things are better out in the open.

Naturally, you still feel guilty in regards to your wife. As much of a rock and a legend that she has been so far through this, it would be difficult to have a relationship whilst still living under the same roof. I completely understand your reservations, but as with everything, there is always risk, but potentially a big reward.
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#5
Maybe you could also be leaving the house if you start a relationship with someone who has their own place. Keep your room as a place to be there for your kids.
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#6
That's why I love this forum! Thanks guys for some very genuine advice! :-)
[MENTION=20941]Camfer[/MENTION], this is very true. I can't just wash away 10 years, so yeah, I need to really process the situation with my wife.
[MENTION=1766]princealbertofb[/MENTION], some very sound advice too. I think you're right I don't want to go from one marriage straight in to another! What you said about it being about more than my frame, made me think, that's the biggest negative with this guy. He is attracted to certain types of guy- he pointed out a guy on tv that he thought was very feminine and that he could never go with a guy like that. I said that I found the guy really attractive and that I don't agree with a narrow definition of masculinity. My wife has always said that I can be a bit camp at times, but that's because I'm so comfortable around her. Guess what I'm saying is Ill be damned if I will go from a closeted queer guy playing it straight to an out queer guy playing it straight. So maybe I do need to meet different guys, work out who I am too in relation to this part of my being. Maybe I will talk more with my friend in time about that.

@Cridders, that is very true, as mates there is no pressure, I do like him and would hate to get into a relationship, if it went wrong I'd hate lose a mate. I've had plenty of experience of this with female mates and, yeah, I will pause for thought.

In terms of moving out. That's one for the future. We need to sort our finances, and in all good conscience, I couldn't leave too soon, my boys are very young and, as kids do, play up a lot! Sarah is tired enough and if I wasn't here, at the moment, I think that could get worse as they will run her ragged! So as much as I'd love my little studio flat overlooking the Atlantic *sigh* that will have to wait! :-)

Cheers guys,

Stu
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#7
Good luck, Stu [MENTION=24253]Zen[/MENTION], forwarding your different agendas.
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#8
I'm glad you mentioned your sons, because this is not just about you and your wife and another guy.
From what you've said in the past, you are not looking for just sex, you are looking for a heart connection. Right now your heart is still with your wife and children, as it should be.
After a break-up, many people regret jumping too quickly into a new relationship. It's even more complicated and probably more painful for you. Do you talk to your wife about how difficult this is for you? She has been terrific through all this and remember even if you are not sharing the same room, she is still your partner in life at this point in time. You are forever changing the lives of 4 people.
For all you know, the grass may not be greener on the other side.

I mean this to be realistic and not mean-spirited. You have much to work through. Maybe show down a bit?
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#9
Sounds like a very nice evening with your friend. Good luck, you'll figure it out as things go along.
''Do I look civilized to you?''
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#10
Darius Wrote:I'm glad you mentioned your sons, because this is not just about you and your wife and another guy.
From what you've said in the past, you are not looking for just sex, you are looking for a heart connection. Right now your heart is still with your wife and children, as it should be.
After a break-up, many people regret jumping too quickly into a new relationship. It's even more complicated and probably more painful for you. Do you talk to your wife about how difficult this is for you? She has been terrific through all this and remember even if you are not sharing the same room, she is still your partner in life at this point in time. You are forever changing the lives of 4 people.
For all you know, the grass may not be greener on the other side.

I mean this to be realistic and not mean-spirited. You have much to work through. Maybe show down a bit?

Hey Darius! Thanks for posting! I don't think you're being mean spirited at all. It's the nice thing about this forum, everyone offers genuine advice. And yes you remembered correctly- I'm looking for a heart connection, and not sneaking around and lying to Sarah. You're so right the grass could be greener. We have discussed things and she knows it's difficult, I don't want to oversell the difficulty though as I'd hate to make her feel inadequate or that our past means nothing. So I am going very slow! Thanks again :-) Stu
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