in need of help again

[NayNay]

So as some of you guys know, I came to this message board a year ago, I cannot believe it has already been this long. I came on here because I was in search for help, distraction etc...

A year later, I m still struggling getting over my ex. I am finally trying to clamp down on myself and get better, but it is so hard to push through sometimes.

I've went a year trying to contact my ex, trying to talk to him, internet stalking him, and I am not proud of it at all. I know this is not normal behavior

On top of all this I have really bad anxiety. I've figured out I get the most anxiety when I am trying to live in the moment. When I try to forget my ex, forget what I did, stop obsessing over it, that is when my anxiety comes the highest. Many times I thought of just ending my life but here I am still, I don't want to give up on myself just yet.

I know I need to make some fundamental changes to my life, eating healthier, a stable sleeping pattern, a good support group etc...

I just think to myself, if I were my friend, and not myself, I would be telling myself that one day you may find who you connect with the most, and for now just focus on what you can control and improve yourself.

I know we are our own worst critic but what I've done was really out of hand. I am really ashamed at how I handled the break up, I feel at he mercy of my anxiety sometimes but I m not going to let that stop living my life.

The tough part is I do not trust myself and the decisions or non decisions I make in my life anymore. So I dont make any decisions. I dont make any goals. I dont hold myself responsible. It hurt too much. I am trying to turn all that around now and it's so scary to try and do things and be happy. It's also scary to move on from my past and just live like I wasnt some crazy person for the last year.

Not to mention I feel overwhelmingly tired and discouraged. I know I need to talk to a therapist, but the system is slow and I can't really afford to be paying one for myself. I know, one step at a time.... but I dug myself a big whole. I just feel like I have completely humiliated myself and forgot what really matters in life

I just wish this anxiety could go away and I could live my life like I used to.

[CellarDweller]

You need to take your own advice.....

I know I need to make some fundamental changes to my life, eating healthier, a stable sleeping pattern, a good support group etc...

I just think to myself, if I were my friend, and not myself, I would be telling myself that one day you may find who you connect with the most, and for now just focus on what you can control and improve yourself.

Routines can be comforting.....try to set up a routine that you can fall into and then later change so you don't get stuck in a rut. Something like: You'll be at the gym every night from 5 -6. You'll do your laundry every Thursday. Grocery shopping every Wednesday. Let yourself fall into routine so you can learn that everyday things do go on, no matter what you are going through. Make therapy part of that routine.

[JWS]

Wow, I think this is why it's great to talk about things on a forum like this because noone knows each other personally so u don't feel a idiot admitting you have acted that way and we can relate to each other and see yourself in each other which helps identify how u must look and feel.

I understand you buddy, A year's along time though to keep being upset about him. Have u tried moving on with other people?
Hey man, your not the only one who's handled a brake up badly I did I lost my cool and then u worry about how they percieve u now but look at it this way.... You never have to see him again. Everybody once in there life is madly crushed over someone and they act like a desperate 13 year old girl who has a crush.

So don't feel like a idiot mate weve all been there! at look at it this way you know you will never act like that again. If it was your first time you've learned from the mistakes u made so u wont do that again. It's a learning experience so don't worry.

How have u tried contacting him? have u tried looking at it from his point of view?
I still spoke to my ex after we split and it didn't really help because when he didn't reply or he replied sounding uninterested and not caring it made me worse because I knew he didn't care about me.
So my advice untill your over that person 100% don't have any contact with them because your only get more hurt when u realise he does not want to be friends or get back together with you. Those are the answers u don't want so don't go there with him until your over him.

Just wanna say though don't internet stalk him because thats creepy and if you see him with another guy your just be hurt by it. So make a new start today and let it go start rebuilding your life.
Cause look if you carry on stalking him or trying to contact the situation will stay the same. It's already been a year, don't waste another year on him. Also mate if he's left u in the state your in and wont return your texts he's obvi not worth your time b/c he's being cold - that shows what type of bloke he is so you've had a lucky escape there.

[JWS]

Whats your plans next?

[Wolfpack]

Hi NayNay very sorry to hear that you are having a rough time
You feel bad about what happened with your ex and how you handled it, and the things that you have done.
But step back a moment and think, you feel bad but what does this tell you? This tells you that you are a good person really, after all if you did not feel bad at all then you would be a bad person. So try not to keep beating yourself up so much. Sorry to hear that you cannot get therapy very easily as it would probberly really help you.

Do not force yourself to try and forget your ex and what happened, as you yourself have said this will only make it worse and increase your anxiety. Except was has happened, and tell yourself that you are a good person really and now is the time to move on with your life.

Concentrate on other things in your life, pleasurable activities and taking care of yourself, it will not be easy but have to push yourself and keep moving forward.

Monitor your anxiety, when it rises what are you thinking and doing? Change this and feel your anxiety fall. Keep a record of what causes your anxiety to spike higher, remember anxiety is just a horrible feeling but it cannot really hurt you.

Might not seem like it now but recent events are only part of your life, your life will move on from this. Hopefully in time you will meet someone and who is better for you. In time I am sure you will go on to do many great things in life.

Remember we are here to help you if you need us