i don't know what to do

[hank]

I came out in march of 2012. Thinking things would get better and for the most part they have. But there is something I have never told anybody that I am scared to even speak of outside of the anonymity of the internet and I don't know why. I was 28 when I came out. There were dark times prior times where I would go weeks without more than about an hour or two of sleep. The sleep I did get was tormented by nightmares. I secretly drank, a lot...a lot! Now that I have no reason to hide my sexuality I don't know why I have to hide this. I don't know why I can't discuss with my closest friends my darkest days. I NEED to talk about it with somebody but I don't even know how.

I love all of my friends for this, it wasn't the slightest concern that I came out, friends I had since high school. But I just can't bring this up I don't want to be one of those guys that just talks all the time about my sexuality. How can it not be anything to them when at one point it was something that I considered taking my own life to avoid? how can I even say that? Others would kill for loving and accepting friends like that.

I thought things would be better but now I have this black cloud over my head. It's just stupid I am under a cloud because nobody freaked out? What the hell is wrong with me?