I'm so goddamn lonely

[MikeW]

I don't know why I'm posting. I just need to vent. I am in my late 20s and finally came out. I've been dating a wonderful girl who I legitimately love for a very log time. I'm scared that I'm actually 100% gay. Since coming out to her and everyone around me as bi, it seems like my fantasies and imaginings of the future involve me being with a guy. It's not a purely sexual attraction, I can't really explain it. I don't have gay friends. I have been to some gay bars, used online dating, attended a pride fest and becoming comfortable with not being straight. But I still feel so completely alone. She accepts my sexuality and it doesn't seem to bother her, but since coming out I feel considerably less attracted to her physically. I stay emotionally attached though. We have even opened our relationship to where I have the liberty to explore the homosexual side of my sexuality. But I don't want sex. I want a man to fee close to in a romantic sense. Ugh, I just can't make sense of how I feel anymore. I can't leave her even though that seems like the responsible decision. And I have trouble meeting guys because I'm slightly intimidated and nervous with social anxiety. I can't really have an ongoing relationship with a man if that opportunity came, because I'm with my girlfriend. She tries to understand but I can't share every thought in my head. I feel so alone and for some reason it feels like having a sweet, sympathetic guy to spend time with would fix everything. But maybe it would just cause more problems. I don't know. This is awful.

For what it's worth, my first long-term relationship was with a woman. I was about your age. I knew I was gay but I met this beautiful young woman and we fell in love. I came out to her and she accepted it. Like you, she said that it was ok for me to explore my homosexuality. However, in the context of my relationship with her, I chose NOT to do that. It was just too confusing. What this meant for me is that I had a very fulfilling romantic relationship with another human being but my sex life was less than ideal. We lived together (never married) for over 10 years. I don't regret it.

That said, at a certain point (late 30s), I began to feel that I *needed* to have a romantic and sexual relationship with a man. So, after a lot of soul-searching, I decided we needed to "redefine" our relationship. That is to say, we were no longer a couple. We *have* remained a part of one another's lives even to this day (over 40 years now). We're like brother and sister.

Yes, I have had two long-term gay relationships but those are other stories.