How can I become comfortable being gay?

[Hellie]

How can I become comfortable about my sexuality?

I'm a 26 year old bisexual female and even though I have come "out" to most of my family and friends, I don't feel comfortable being "gay." Even though I don't hold any negative feelings towards the homosexual community, I find myself continually feeling embarrassment and ashamed when I see homosexual acts.

And this disturbs me profoundly. I mean, I'm gay and I can't stop feeling ashamed about homosexuality. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know why I have to blush or get shy about acts of homosexuality.

Do I need more exposure to it? I come from a very small town. All I've grown up with was: straight, straight, straight.

Tonight I had a fight with my brother about something really stupid but in the midst of the argument I sort of implied he was a gay basher and he got extremely upset and was shouting to me, "I'm not a gay basher! God, how can you even think that. You're my damn sister. I'd never bash anyone for being gay."

And I just kept on thinking that he doesn't want to be a gay basher but he is, because he can't help it, because he grew up with me, in the same household, learning the same things from society, and he's not comfortable with homosexuality, like I'm not. And even though he wants to be supportive, and wants to be pro-homosexuality, sometimes he says things that are offensive, and he just doesn't realize it.

To boot, sometimes *I* say the same things and I think when I got upset with him tonight I was getting upset at myself because more and more I'm realizing how uncomfortable with homosexuality I am and it's just getting to me.

I feel so repressed and that sucks because normally I feel like I"m such an open-minded person and yet with this...I feel shame, I feel embarrassment...and I don't want to feel that, but I do.

Also, I suffer from social anxiety so a lot of my insecurities and feelings of shame aren't solely from my sexuality (or about topics that deal with sexuality). So I think that at least in part my low self-esteem and social anxiety issues contribute to why I haven't embraced being gay.



So, I'm here just wondering what can I do? I was raised in such a straight society. I mean, we all pretty much were, right? And due to my anxiety issues, I don't socialize much (if at all, especially the past few years) so I don't have any "gay friends" and really my exposure to homosexuality has been myself (big help there since I was in the closet for most of life) and the media (which is completely biased and tends to show homosexuality in an unfavorable light).

How can I get that "gay pride" in me?

I'm thinking I need to start by not hiding who I am or how I feel anymore, which is so hard. I mean, to give an example, sometimes I'll watch a movie or show with a family member and I don't' feel comfortable expressing that I'm attracted to female characters. A handful of times I've tried and I get a 'strange' reaction (ie. strange looks, quiet pauses) and all of this has made me less than excited about continue to be open about myself.

I feel like I left the closet only to go back into it. I announced I was gay and then never talked about it again and I guess even actively tried to pretend I'm not.

I think that my family would be more comfortable with my homosexuality if I was more comfortable with myself and my homosexuality, but I'm not.

So...help....anyone???