Annoyance...

[InbetweenDreams]

You shouldn't let any particular responder cloud you're judgement about the rest of us that try and offer help and advice, where we can.

No I shouldn't, definitely was not in a good mood this morning. Not sure if anyone noticed (sarcasm). I am a bit sensitive in that my ex was very controlling and emotionally abusive, I don't want to be what he was to me.

Sounds like you care about him a lot, and in no way do I read what you're saying as if you were trying/wanting to control him.

I think everything you've mentioned I fully agree with. It sounds like you're looking long-term and understandably want him to sort/modify some areas so that you are both in a good position to support one another. I don't think it's unreasonable to make some sacrifices and meet in the middle to make the one you love happy. But you need to have that conversation with him to determine where the middle lies and from there, better understand if this is the right relationship for you.

and it works both ways, I know you said you support his hobby, but could maybe agree a spending cap or that the decision needs to be agreed as a partnership. All relationships are different with different mechanics and agreements which I can appreciate. I don't know how serious your relationship is, but I personally see mine and my partners income as one single amount which belongs to both of us. But again, I appreciate not all couples share money.

That is a good way to look at it. Not to get off subject, I seen a post on Facebook about a husband makes $70,000 a year and the wife makes $35,000 a year and rent is $1,800, is it fair if the wife puts less than 50% of the rent up. Of course the answer is it depends. Jobs, wages, situations change. Sure, right now I make a good bit more than he does but you never know, so I don't necessarily hold someone to 50% just because on paper it is fair. I think it goes well beyond money and it is really about what you are getting out of a relationship.

That being said, I think it is great he likes those cars, both our families had cars like these but... He has to be smarter about what he chooses to buy, knows how to check them out and having a lot of the same cars doesn't mean you're going to get one good one out of it. These cars, that being the GM C-body & H-body which spanned from 1985-1991, weren't really all that well built and they got used up and weren't appreciated. I get the appeal for them but he can't afford to tag and insure all of them even if they all were drivable.

Of course there are the antiques, and it is the same thing. I think it is fine that he does that but there are limits. If you can't walk around your house because you bought old console stereos that don't work then to me it is more of a hoarding thing than a hobby. Now some of the stuff he buys does work, or kind of work or could be resored. He does have some things I think that would be valuable if he were to restore them, like this old Zenith radio that has the old FM band on it which is before the band change following WWII. Other things he's got really aren't worth anything, particularly the transistorized console stereos, the quality really took a nosedive after the 60's. He can do what he wants but I don't know how I would feel if were living together and not having space to talk down the hall or be able to use a room because it is filled with stuff. At the same time it is like my aquarium crap. I have a big husky rack holding 5 tanks, plus a mini-pond and a bucket. That stuff will probably have to be downsized if not eliminated if we were to get a place. A lot of landlords do not allow aquariums or have a size limit, some don't care and some people just do it anyway and try not to get caught.

Of course right now, trying to figure out if he's mad at me. He wanted to meet halfway, halfway is about a 90 mile drive, to each lunch and I just wasn't feeling up to it. He had planned to come over this weekend but for only one night and didn't want to come the whole way. He hasn't texted me back but he is also really bad for not texting

Maybe its worth setting goals i.e. buying a house etc... so he understands a bit better on what he should be saving his money on as a team.

As for the job aspect, again I think it's lovely that you want what's best for him. Could it be change he's scared of? i.e. he has a job, where he knows everyone and he knows what he's doing. It may not pay much, but it's safe and secure. I fear that with my job, I love it, but it sometimes holds me back when promotions come up. What if I'm not good at the new role? what if my team dislikes me? what if I get found out that I'm a fraud and they fire me?

Just keep doing what your doing, reassure him and let him know his worth and I'm sure at some point he'll take the plunge.

I think the change is likely what it is, he hasn't really explained it to me, not that I'm owed an explanation. I mean my last job, I was ready to walk and just let the bank take my car and fuck it all. Not sure where he's at but maybe not there, I do worry that these people he works for will just lay him off as soon as times get tough which I suspect will happen at some point. They're the kind of owners who bitch about money and how broke they are and how generous they are to their staff while paying them crap and then go off and buy a brand new Lexus (they literally do this). I know they type of people he's working for and I will put any amount of money they will do just that. So yes, I do want better for him, I know he deserves better and is capable of better. As much as I might think a little push will help, it could very easily not work out well. I know it ultimately has to be his choice but I need to figure out how I might be able to motivate him and not just when he's had a shitty day at work. That and having the experience of switching jobs, it is bound to happen at some point, it sucks. Likewise, I'm not changing jobs and moving because he doesn't want to....I mean right now it wouldn't make any sense for me to give up a good state job that is stable because he's scared of change, and I get it, believe me, the thought of me walking from my current job to move to Atlanta with my now ex was a scary prospect and one that didn't really make sense to me so I didn't do it. I am also not expecting him to walk from his current job and just get a place with me. That would take more time to get to know each other and make sure we're communicating effectively and finally prepare to do that. Frankly, communication has been a big problem in both my experience and from what I typically see.

I know it's difficult being the one to support others when mentally you probably feel you could do with the support yourself. But from one random internet stranger to another, you're doing a great job and I'm proud of you.

My apologies if I've misunderstood or missed anything.

Well thanks. For me it is easier to give advice than to ask for it. Sometimes people do post stuff that is just beyond my knowledge and I tend to stay away from those. I mean people ask some very personal questions or advice and I think people should be able to seek such in a safe environment. About a month or so ago we had a troll on here who was just nasty to everyone, posting transphobic shit and so forth. He either finally got bored and went away or Andy did something about it.