09-09-2012, 08:13 PM
I feel so dumb right now. My First Crush of twenty years ago turned out to also be gay. Back then, she was so far in the closet she was outwardly anti-gay (which she feels horrid about now), and I was in the denial/discovery closet.
It's not like I obsessed or anything. When we were teens in a community group together, I just really loved hanging around her. I really, really liked her, and I didn't really get it back then.
Now she's half a continent away and in a rocky relationship. I haven't seen her in all these years, but we're back in touch. I keep realizing how much I miss hanging out, that I missed being around her and her quirky, awesome, and awesomely dirty sense of humor.
Is it possible to still have a crush after so long of not seeing someone? I keep telling myself I'm just idealizing. But I don't know. I do know I want to punch her gf in the face for being a jerk. Not that I ever would, but I feel like it.
Am I right to try to convince myself it's just fantasy? Or am I just being a coward? I don't want to mess w/a relationship, but she's already said she's not so sure it's the right one. But I'm such a dork in real life that when it comes to it, I'm afraid of rejection. And I'm afraid of what if she's not the same person, even if she did come back for a visit (ostensibly to her family). I don't want to build her up in my mind only to have a totally wrong picture of who she is.
Like I said, I feel so dumb right now.
By the way, yes, she knows about me. I told her first, actually.
It's not like I obsessed or anything. When we were teens in a community group together, I just really loved hanging around her. I really, really liked her, and I didn't really get it back then.
Now she's half a continent away and in a rocky relationship. I haven't seen her in all these years, but we're back in touch. I keep realizing how much I miss hanging out, that I missed being around her and her quirky, awesome, and awesomely dirty sense of humor.
Is it possible to still have a crush after so long of not seeing someone? I keep telling myself I'm just idealizing. But I don't know. I do know I want to punch her gf in the face for being a jerk. Not that I ever would, but I feel like it.
Am I right to try to convince myself it's just fantasy? Or am I just being a coward? I don't want to mess w/a relationship, but she's already said she's not so sure it's the right one. But I'm such a dork in real life that when it comes to it, I'm afraid of rejection. And I'm afraid of what if she's not the same person, even if she did come back for a visit (ostensibly to her family). I don't want to build her up in my mind only to have a totally wrong picture of who she is.
Like I said, I feel so dumb right now.
By the way, yes, she knows about me. I told her first, actually.
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