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Lives of Quiet Desperation
#1
Where to begin.....thankful I can post this in anonymity I suppose. Its best to air these concerns behind a mask. Lord knows the last thing I want is to be accused of attention-whoring.

For the past few weeks now, I have been struggling with some very heavy issues and thoughts weighing heavily on my mind - the predominant one being "What has been the point of my existence up to this point? What have I done that could even be construed as worthwhile or remarkable with my life?"

The world I once knew seems to be slowly tearing at the seams; everything I once held dear slipping through my fingers. I never thought I was a "bad" person up until now, granted I have my moments of anger, selfishness and pettiness that plague us all....but I had thought my good qualities outweighed my bad for the most part. According to the little intervention that was held in my honor recently by friends and family, my eyes needed to be opened.

I go through life trying to perform acts of kindness to everyone who seems like they could use it. I do this not to massage my ego or anything of that nature, but because I genuinely want to make people feel better in a weary world. I had a terribly abusive childhood growing up and I've tried to channel that anger and sorrow into positive acts of kindness. But it would seem people don't buy that. I was recently told to "quit acting like you're some sort of fucking saint and knock yourself down a peg or two." I don't think of myself as a saint. I get embarrassed and uncomfortable being complimented for the tiniest of things, let alone deluding myself into thinking that I'm something greater than I am.

I have also gone through life with a great thirst for knowledge. I enjoy learning new things and keeping my mind active. Not to show off or to act like a know-it-all, but because I am naturally curious. According once more to those close to me, I "need to understand that I am not an intelligent person. A friendly one certainly, but I'm more along the lines of a 'loveable oaf' than a learned scholar." I enjoy writing, it is a wonderful way for me to reflect on my emotions and the world around me...but I was told as well to "learn to accept my limitations and quit before I embarrass myself."

I am a very private person in my life outside these forums. I may speak often on these forums, but I am a very shy and mousy person outside of Gayspeak who wouldn't dream in a million years of trying to act the know-it-all to people. I only offer observations if asked personally so this I did not understand.

I try to be there for people in my life when they are suffering. I have pulled all-nighters many times trying to soothe and console friends and family who are going through hard times. I came to one of these people recently wanting to discuss my growing sense of self-worthlessness and depression, couldn't get my words out and just started to weep. I was met with disgusted looks and told to "knock off the pity party." That "my simpering and whining made them want to vomit." These were the same people I had put up in hotels to get away from abusive spouses and the same people who I have held while they cried.

Finally, I was told that "until I stop making a mess of myself and my life" that these people wanted nothing more to do with me and that I could call them "when I grew a pair and stopped acting like a self-absorbed asshole"

I honestly had no idea I disgusted so many people...and it makes me wonder if I really am as terrible as I have been told. I have tried so hard in my life to be a good, kind, compassionate person with a decent modicum of intelligence....but it would seem I have failed miserably. Right now I feel as though some of you good people reading my ramblings are thinking I should "knock off the pity party" as well. I am not trying to feel sorry for myself, I am trying to understand where I went wrong...and if its too late for me to do anything about it.

If I am not a kind person...or even a smart person...where does that leave me in life? I go through the motions of living, but it becomes increasingly meaningless. Apathy and self-doubt worry at me constantly. I exist, but what good does it do if I am less than a cog in life's machine? What impressions have I made on people in my short time on earth, other than contempt and dislike? I am timid, I am meek, I am soft spoken and always try to put others ahead of myself....how is it possible I have made such a mess of things and relationships in my life? I cry out for understanding and guidance, but am met with silence. What did I do to earn the ire of so many? I have tried....I honestly have.

I am completely alone now and utterly miserable. The last of my few friends have turned their backs on me. The questions won't stop spinning through my head, and the worry that I disgust so many people I come into contact with gnaws at my soul.

I want to sleep. I want to pretend this is all a bad dream and when I wake up, I will be met by the people I love. I am weary of life most of all....the pain humanity suffers each and every day....terrible deeds are committed all the time and the innocent are the ones who pay. I am still in the contemplative stages right now, but I want more than anything to be at peace....I don't think I need to embellish further than that. I need a reason to keep going and wake up to tomorrow. I need to know my life is worth something to someone.

I apologize from the bottom of my heart if this message comes off as whiny or petty. If so, I'm not realizing it it would seem. I
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Messages In This Thread
Lives of Quiet Desperation - by Anonymous - 09-21-2012, 04:32 AM
Lives of Quiet Desperation - by East - 09-21-2012, 04:43 AM
Lives of Quiet Desperation - by LateBloomer - 09-21-2012, 04:59 AM
Lives of Quiet Desperation - by Bowyn Aerrow - 09-21-2012, 05:10 AM
Lives of Quiet Desperation - by Blue - 09-21-2012, 05:15 AM
Lives of Quiet Desperation - by GossamerMoon - 09-21-2012, 06:26 AM
Lives of Quiet Desperation - by Pix - 09-21-2012, 07:16 AM
Lives of Quiet Desperation - by bryandurel - 09-21-2012, 09:01 AM
Lives of Quiet Desperation - by Rainbowmum - 09-21-2012, 09:02 AM
Lives of Quiet Desperation - by GossamerMoon - 09-21-2012, 10:16 PM
Lives of Quiet Desperation - by LateBloomer - 09-21-2012, 10:36 PM
Lives of Quiet Desperation - by dfiant - 09-21-2012, 10:52 PM
Lives of Quiet Desperation - by Double007 - 09-22-2012, 05:48 AM
Lives of Quiet Desperation - by TryingNewThing - 09-22-2012, 08:20 AM

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