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Am I Gay? I think I am... UGH
#1
Hi
So... I'm just going to write...
Years ago in 7th grade, I stumbled on a picture of 2 guys kissing, and I did not know why, but some odd emotion sprung in me.
I knew nothing about anything, lived in the country, sheltered.
Anyway so I got curious and started looking up information.
Years past and I thought about guys sexually, but it was more like something I could control. Essentially.... If i was home alone, and was able to masturbate was the only time I'd think about guys. Afterwards, I would think back at what I did, and I genuinely was grossed out about it. Like almost vomiting. Then the rest of the day I had no sexual thoughts, about anyone. I'm a Christian, and the way my theory went was everyone goes through this, so it's something you live with and ignore it, like you ignore urges to try a drink, or try drugs, something like that. Anyway I eventually came to I'm straight, pretty confident in it. I can say I wanted a relationship with a guy, but it was more like I longed for this best guy friend, that I could tell anything to. Like a true best friend. I made a friend, we really don;t know how we became friends, it seems like one day we did not see each other as friends then all of a sudden we were best friends.
Some side notes...
When ever I was by someone gay, I felt uncomfortable, and did not want to talk to them.
My best friend I mentioned, came to my graduation(because I moved and went to a different school) The day of my graduation I remember feeling I cannot act normal around him because people will think we are gay....

Anyway.... About 3-4 weeks ago, he came out gay. In the beginning I protested it and tried to convince him otherwise, but as our convo was winding down that day, he was upset at how many people that are his friends that were attacking him, he knew I was not attacking but disagreeing, but when he said how his dad wants him to die, and how it hurts so much, I wanted to so badly be there and comfort him and tell him everything is ok.
Oh the reason why he came out was he got a boyfriend. But anyway, earlier in the convo, right after I found out he was gay, my stomach dropped. As the convo went on, and I seen there was no use, my stomach dropped again. Then after the part of him feeling so upset and me wishing I was there to help him out( I cried a little), when that convo ended, I had a massive swell of emotion. Something I have never felt in my life. It was so intense. I lost sleep for 6 days. It was so intense. My feelings went from being against homosexuality, to be ok with it. The next day, I was very happy to know My best friend was gay, and I wanted to do everything I can do support him. I wanted to tell everyone I have a gay friend and I'm proud of it. He inspired he, like he was able to tell 800 people on facebook, that he was gay, so everything I've been worried about in my life was childish compared to what he did, I got over my fears, he inspired me. Day after, the feeling was still ongoing,(the intense feeling form the beginning was right in the center of my chest where my heart is) It was maddening. Anyway so the second day or third day I started thinking I'm in love with him. I could not take it anymore, and I told my best (girl) friend that I think I might be gay, the way I worded it was, I need to know what he was thinking to decide he was gay(Later she said when I said that she knew, so she let me talk) From their I went onto say I can relate to him more than anyone knows, to hint to her, she got it and we talked she said that, after like 3 hours talking, that I have to admit I love him. There was some Liberation in that. The next day, I felt still really strong, I told her I think I want to tell my sister and she agreed. After hours of waiting for her to get home, we went for a walk. And while shaking massively, I told her I think I love the guy, as I refused to make eye contact with her and look the other way while shaking badly. She hugged me and we talked... Anyway I felt more liberation telling someone else. That was the 4th day. The 5th day me her and my bro in law went to the store, and that emotion, with me telling her, made me feel so free going down the highway with the window down and thinking bout it. I felt free. 6th day came and I was still feeling this emotion, finally he was able to talk on the phone... So I told him.... He as I said, has a BF. His BF was there but I did not care, I told him I have feelings for him and he told me I'm sorry but I don;t feel the same way for you. I told him well I want to stay best friends and I'll support him and his BF. We are still good friends we are closer now. I felt pathetic for his BF hearing it, but I don;t care I was not going to live in bondage, telling him was re-leaving, it was odd though it hurt a little, but the emotion subsided. I love him, enough that if he is happy then good, I want him to be happy no matter what that means. I can;t be jealous, I can;t stand jealousy. I support him and his BF. But it's like I dunno f I am gay.
Side note:
But I just got a knew job and there is this gay guy, and I did not feel awkward around him, like I use to with gay people... I'm like whatever call me gay bi whatever I don't care, what people think anymore. I do care what I think though and I cant figure it out. Some days I'm like I'm straight look at that guy and girl, I want to be that guy so badly, their relationship is awesome. Then other days I felt that way about guys. Then it's like when I think I'm gay and I talk to anyone gay, I feel like I belong, like this weird comforting feeling, it snot that intense feeling in my chest I felt towards my best friend, but its like this feeling of I belong and I can be myself.

Also, its like I don't Identify with the feminine side of homosexuality(For those that do, good for you, but I don't) I'd identify with the masculine identity of homosexuality. And I'd seek someone out a guy that identifies with the same. It's like I want to hold a guy in my arms, and tell him everything will be alright. I want to be there in anyway I can and him for me. But then I'm like well I'm probably not gay...
It's confusing....
Now, my mind is like completely derailed.... I'm having thoughts about sex, that are outside that realm of control I had, I should be able to control these thoughts. I pride myself on my ability to control myself...
In 9th grade I laughed at my biology teacher for saying guys think about sex a lot, I told my friends pfft, I can control myself, I'm not no dog in heat. I'm not the avg guy that is in heat like every moment of their life....

I'm the guy that growin up peple would say this is what I want my kid to be like, like him. And now its slipping.... People found out I was even typing this, I would be destroyed socially, by my family, not my friends. I can;t tell my mom, it not because she will hate me but for other reasons. My family for years has been trying to do whatever they can to hurt my mom... it is messed up. I've helped her through it, but the thing is, I don;t think she can take another one like that. See if I am gay and I come out, my family will attack her and tell her how bad of a parent she is, and how my cousins are better, and that she is a loser and on and on.... she is better off than anyone in my family... but they will say that anyway, and she can't take it, that your own family could hate you so badly. She has to deal with this, and she is a great person, has a great job a degree in nursing, 2 kids, (I'm the youngest) and so forth. Right now she is making about 7 grand a month off a associates degree in nursing(2 years of schooling) I am ok with being ridiculed more or less, but I cannot take her being told she is a loser and so forth, because of my decision. She is going to be forced by my family to be the cause of me being gay, if I am gay. I am who I am majorly for how great she raised me. She raised me to be this great man, and has hopes of grandchildren. I just can't hurt my mom, more or less I can't feed my mest up family so that they can attack her. If i ever got drunk, it's her fault, If I dropped out of college, it is her fault, if I had sex outside of marriage its her fault, if I cussed its her fault, if I get depressed its her fault, this is what they would do, I made sure that they have nothing on me, because I am not my own person to them, everything I do is my mom's fault, while anything my cousins do, is not their fault in their opinion...
See f I come out, if I am gay, the one who is going to go through more hell is my mom, not me. Im going to have to be their to comfort her, because she will need it. I love her, best mom on earth....
Am I gay? I can't hurt someone I love like that... Do I still love my best friend, was what I felt for him something people call real love? Why do I feel comfortable around gay people now? Fact is why am I typing on this forum? How do I prevent my mom from getting attacked by my family? So many questions, my best friend is helping me sort them out, we talk like once a week, since h is busy. He and his BF are getting an apartment, Getting him a cake and a gift card to congratulate them on getting an apartment. Sorry this is so unorganized, if you read this and respond TYVM. Sorry for being bad at this.... I did not know where to go.... I want to delete this so badly but I'm about to impulse click submit..... If you see this, I submitted it.....
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Messages In This Thread
Am I Gay? I think I am... UGH - by andynelrew - 10-11-2012, 06:05 AM
Am I Gay? I think I am... UGH - by CodyH - 10-11-2012, 07:11 AM
Am I Gay? I think I am... UGH - by dfiant - 10-11-2012, 09:01 AM
Am I Gay? I think I am... UGH - by Bowyn Aerrow - 10-11-2012, 09:11 AM
Am I Gay? I think I am... UGH - by zeon - 10-11-2012, 09:52 AM
Am I Gay? I think I am... UGH - by lizzielee - 10-11-2012, 01:03 PM
Am I Gay? I think I am... UGH - by pellaz - 10-11-2012, 03:20 PM
Am I Gay? I think I am... UGH - by Blue - 10-11-2012, 05:28 PM

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