Anti-Depressants

[InbetweenDreams]

So I have previous not had the best experience with anti-depressants. Either they don't have the desired effect, cause side effects or just didn't do anything. I have kind of not accepted that I have a problem with depression, with anxiety, yes, but always kind of brushed off the depression as a result of just my situation. Depression is definitely worse for me in the winter time, it's dark, cold, less stuff to do outside, maybe vitamin D. But I do seem to go through periods where I am more depressed. Not depressed in that I am considering hurting myself, just an overall dismal outlook on everything. Stuck in a rut if you will.

There is no shortage of things for me to do, things to work on. I have paintings, for instance, that I started in 2018 that are left unfinished. I simply haven't had the spark of interest to complete them. Same thing is beginning to happen with other hobbies.

Originally I was prescribed an anti-depressant for anxiety. First was Buspar, which is used to treat anxiety. It did nothing, if anything made it worse. So I stopped taking that. Then I was prescribed Celexa (citalopram) which made me sick and found it intolerable. Then Zoloft (sertraline) which didn't cause side effects at first but after 2 weeks it kind of made me a bit of a zombie, that is, I felt emotionless and sex drive went out the window. Not sure if I want to try Zoloft again, or try something different like Prozac (fluoxetine) or Effexor (venlafaxine). Not sure if the zombie feeling would have gone away since a lot of these medications take 4 weeks or longer to do their thing, so I read.

I do feel that with anxiety, you can learn to deal with and can make yourself better to an extent. It doesn't really go away but you get better and handling things. Depression is a different animal though. I don't think learning to cope with depression is a good alternative. It just kicks you when you're down. I mean I have been more cognizant of my thoughts and have kept myself out of that headspace. Of course staying busy and doing shit helps, but again between the time of year and just losing interest in shit.

I don't think it is SAD, seasonal affect disorder. One might come to that conclusion given that my depression worsens in the winter, but it never really goes away. It's not always bad and I can't say that every moment is awful, I mean sometimes I do just fine. Hard to really put my finger on it.

I guess what I am getting at, those of you who either have knowledge of these medications, have been on or are taking these medications, what's your experience been? Should I take the leap of faith or find a better way to cope?