Need to know who I am

[Dysan]

Hi all,


I've got a problem and before I think about seeking professional help I want to hear other people's opinion. Moreover, I really need to tell someone about it. I've read some threads in this forum but they didn't really help, I think I need to say about it myself.

So, I have a girlfriend and I like to have sex with her. I do love girls in all respects. I like to touch their breasts and bottoms etc. I also like BDSM and I would really love to participate in some BDSM action with my girlfriend, though she doesn't really like that kind of stuff. I love to dominate over women, be tough and rude with them (only in bed, mind you, in life I prefer total equality and have a great respect for women) and I would absolutely not let a woman be my Top in any type of BDSM activity.
Ok, so a typical macho style.
After sex with women I'm calm, self-satisfied and I feel just great, no problem at all.

Now the problem:

When I'm alone and I masturbate (to tell you the truth I like to do it rather often, sometimes 3-4 times a day) I always think of myself as a submissive girl that is roughly used by some tough guy (or several guys), humiliated and treated like a lower-class woman in medieval times, or about myself being feminized and used as a sex slave by some man. When I watch porn (mostly BDSM or rough sex porn) I fantasize that I am that submissive girl on the screen. I watch only hetero porn, because I can't stand the sight of gay porn, or two guys kissing (now guys, I'm really SORRY for that, I respect gays and recognize their rights, it's just, well, I don't like that, that's all). Right after I cum, some switch turns on, and I feel terrible, I cannot look at myself in the mirror, I feel frustration, anxiety, I'm devastated and depressed. It's like two persons are living inside me: a macho guy and a submissive sl**ty girl. I thought of trying gay sex in real life, but what can be the circumstances? I mean, if I feel terrible after innocent masturbation, what would I feel after the real sex with a guy?((

Another point is that when I see a beautiful naked woman in the Net or elsewhere, I feel sad. Firstly because I want her so badly, secondly because I want to be her, to have such marvelous body and be adored by men, and I know that both are impossible.
So who am I? Bisexual and switch? Did any of you guys (or your friends, partners) experienced the same?
Well, I think that's all. Again, sorry to those who was in any way offended by this message - it was not intended for it. Thanks to all who read this to the end and gave it some consideration. I would really appreciate some piece of advice.
Best Regards