12-08-2011, 09:55 PM
Hey everybody 
I'm in a bit of a delicate situation, and in search for an answer I stumbled over this wonderful site here.
All in all, my boyfriend, actually fiancé as of lately, and I are extremely happy. After more than a year together, we still have chemistry like on day one, and we've really grown closer and closer. At the moment, we're in a long distance relationship (he's around 300km away), but it's not too much of a problem since our jobs and studies are quite flexible. So things are really going well, except for one thing: weed.
I'm not against smoking weed, have done it myself occasionally. But when my mate and I grew closer early last spring, I noticed that he smoked quite a lot, not every day, but regularly, and it caused him to neglect some responsibilities towards his work, and towards me. We worked out a set of rules for him to get off it gradually, and eventually phased it out completely around August. In the process, I might have been a bit too harsh and strict on him, and we both hurt each other, more than just a little.
Eventually, we agreed on banning the grass completely, and it worked well for a couple of months. But I was still a bit too hurt about everything and so I did something I shouldn't have: installed spyware on his smartphone without him knowing to find out whether he's smoking or not whenever we're apart. And as of lately, he is. Occasionally, still, and he still lives up to his responsibilities, but it does not change the fact that he broke our agreement. I tried to give him hints and give him a lot of opportunities to tell me about it, saying that we're past everything and can tell each other everything, etc., but no matter how much I presented him with the opportunity on a silver platter to confess without any consequences, he didn't.
Now I feel I'm in a no-win situation. If I confronted him, he would know I have spied on him and broke his trust. I'm not proud of that, actually to some extent ashamed, and I don't want to hurt him so I don't want to do that. But if I won't confront him, the fact that I know he is lying to me about it makes me feel like he is making a fool of me right in my face and I feel over time it might drive me away, at least subconsciously. I know both him and I want to build a life together so I don't want that to happen either. Catch 22?
So that's the situationâ¦any advice would be really, really appreciated. Thank you
I'm in a bit of a delicate situation, and in search for an answer I stumbled over this wonderful site here.
All in all, my boyfriend, actually fiancé as of lately, and I are extremely happy. After more than a year together, we still have chemistry like on day one, and we've really grown closer and closer. At the moment, we're in a long distance relationship (he's around 300km away), but it's not too much of a problem since our jobs and studies are quite flexible. So things are really going well, except for one thing: weed.
I'm not against smoking weed, have done it myself occasionally. But when my mate and I grew closer early last spring, I noticed that he smoked quite a lot, not every day, but regularly, and it caused him to neglect some responsibilities towards his work, and towards me. We worked out a set of rules for him to get off it gradually, and eventually phased it out completely around August. In the process, I might have been a bit too harsh and strict on him, and we both hurt each other, more than just a little.
Eventually, we agreed on banning the grass completely, and it worked well for a couple of months. But I was still a bit too hurt about everything and so I did something I shouldn't have: installed spyware on his smartphone without him knowing to find out whether he's smoking or not whenever we're apart. And as of lately, he is. Occasionally, still, and he still lives up to his responsibilities, but it does not change the fact that he broke our agreement. I tried to give him hints and give him a lot of opportunities to tell me about it, saying that we're past everything and can tell each other everything, etc., but no matter how much I presented him with the opportunity on a silver platter to confess without any consequences, he didn't.
Now I feel I'm in a no-win situation. If I confronted him, he would know I have spied on him and broke his trust. I'm not proud of that, actually to some extent ashamed, and I don't want to hurt him so I don't want to do that. But if I won't confront him, the fact that I know he is lying to me about it makes me feel like he is making a fool of me right in my face and I feel over time it might drive me away, at least subconsciously. I know both him and I want to build a life together so I don't want that to happen either. Catch 22?
So that's the situationâ¦any advice would be really, really appreciated. Thank you
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