Was there a moment you realized that you were gay?

[gfxtwin]

There was a time when I was legitimately attracted to girls. I couldn't think about anything else in middle school and even before. I could flirt with them successfully, I was curious about vaginas, etc. For all intents and purposes I behaved like a typical straight boy. I wasn't depressed, a bit hyper now and then, but totally functional.

Then, with each successive denial by a girl, my sex drive dropped lower and lower. In high school I was that creepy fat kid that had no friends and everyone knew I jerked off a lot because I couldn't get laid. I think the reason for this was because I was convinced that there was no hope in ever getting laid because I wasn't a cocky, masculine guy who played sports, drank a lot and went to parties. I didn't care about any of that stuff, only sex, drawing, and writing.

By college I started becoming more and more attracted to men (well, not the bodies, but the genitals attached) and drifted further and further away from my fantasies of girls. I was smoking a lot of pot at this time and hung around friends that were just as aimless as me.

Then, one day in 2004 at my grandparents lakehouse, something shocking happened to me that changed everything. I was smoking by myself and got really, really high and it occurred to me, in a psychedelic eureka moment, that the entire universe is composed of the masculine and the feminine. Nature and Grace. Linear/branchlike and cyclical. Whatever the names are for these two forces. For example, almost all life or even mass in the observable universe is either linear/branchlike or cyclical/circular in form. Take the mico/macro comparison of cells and planets. Cells, floating in the universe of a human body, are shaped similarly to the planets - circular in form with a core nucleus at the center. Veins can abstractly represent the passage of time - their formation on a microcosmic level might represent the macrocosmic structure of the different paths one can take in time, or even parallel universes. The human brain, our bodies, our planet, the structure of natural life, the structure of sound, and our perceptions of reality could all be traced back to this linear/cyclical theory.

Now, I know this sounds like a harebrained, half-assed attempt at metaphysics to any philosophers on this board, but for a dumb, sheltered, 19 year old who did no drugs except smoking a little weed, just catching a glimpse of this really threw me for a loop. I'm sure what I found already exists in the form of an old published academic thesis, but the fact that all of this information was something that I realized on my own and that it hit me all at once left a huge impression on me. It was a knock you on your ass moment and caused me to wake up a bit. My entire personality changed.

So, to get to the point, heh, I realized that I had more of the female brain then the male. I had no scientific proof to back it up, but it felt like raw, unfiltered 200% proof fact to me. I felt it to my core.

Since then I've been coming to terms with what I learned that day. Not because I think it was a delusion (at least not anymore), but because I realized that whatever my sexual orientation, I would still have to come to terms with what it MEANS to be gay.

So yeah, long story short, did anyone else have a moment like this? Maybe not like this, but a moment where it all came into perspective?