06-30-2012, 07:46 PM
I saw my counselor yesterday and we spent the whole session talking about my sexuality and why I would have issues with men. I use to think it was all because of my first boyfriend who sexually abused me. But once I really thought about it, I was scared of sex and men (especially older men) before I even met Ben. My counselor agreed that that was a sign something happened in my childhood. At first I thought it was an uncle, but when I really thought about it, he's just not that type of person.
I laid down and let my memory wander...it went back to a daycare that was ran by a woman in her own house. She would get us on the bus in the morning, and sometimes she would babysit us if my parents needed one. Her husband was there too. A bunch of the other kids, now young adults, have come out and said he molested them. My only memory was entering the computer room and looking at his trophies. He was on the computer and didn't seem to pay me any mind and I had a bad feeling about him. Mind you I was either 6, 7 or 8 years old. I thought that was where the memory ended.
But yesterday the memory continued in a direction I never expected. He swiveled the computer chair and motioned for me to come over. He sat me on one of his legs and started talking to me. He asked me was a "cocka" is. I was very uncomfortable. I don't know if he tried to get me to touch him or if he touched me, but I remember him saying not to tell anyone, it was a secret and shushed me out of the room. I felt very confused afterward.
Did I pull this out of my ass? Or was it an actual memory, one that I've been blocking for years? It would explain my fear of adult men all my life. Back when I had PTSD I would get nightmares about older men raping me and younger men raping me. I don't think I was raped but I was seriously violated by men and it makes me wonder if these experiences shaped me into being bisexual...or gay...or whatever the hell I am. I'm glad I pulled out the memory, because I had been searching for answers for so long.
I laid down and let my memory wander...it went back to a daycare that was ran by a woman in her own house. She would get us on the bus in the morning, and sometimes she would babysit us if my parents needed one. Her husband was there too. A bunch of the other kids, now young adults, have come out and said he molested them. My only memory was entering the computer room and looking at his trophies. He was on the computer and didn't seem to pay me any mind and I had a bad feeling about him. Mind you I was either 6, 7 or 8 years old. I thought that was where the memory ended.
But yesterday the memory continued in a direction I never expected. He swiveled the computer chair and motioned for me to come over. He sat me on one of his legs and started talking to me. He asked me was a "cocka" is. I was very uncomfortable. I don't know if he tried to get me to touch him or if he touched me, but I remember him saying not to tell anyone, it was a secret and shushed me out of the room. I felt very confused afterward.
Did I pull this out of my ass? Or was it an actual memory, one that I've been blocking for years? It would explain my fear of adult men all my life. Back when I had PTSD I would get nightmares about older men raping me and younger men raping me. I don't think I was raped but I was seriously violated by men and it makes me wonder if these experiences shaped me into being bisexual...or gay...or whatever the hell I am. I'm glad I pulled out the memory, because I had been searching for answers for so long.
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