Not That Anyone Cares But...

[Emiliano]

I care.

Why is this?

My reflex answer is I don't know. Because there really isn't any reason why I should be feeling that way. She's healthy, and happy... busy with her life and work, and has friends who care about her.

But if I think about why I feel that way... Its not anything thats coming from her, I mean. Its coming from me. I've been feeling very nostalgic lately, and spending a lot of time thinking about my dad. I think I am just projecting my general anxieties about mortality on to her. Not only that, but I worry about my brother and what his life will be like. That even though she is healthy now, I am already aware that I won't always have her. Each time I leave her, a little piece of me is nagging, what if thats the last time we see each other?

I get stuck in these negative thinking patterns.. And then i feel silly for thinking all of that and its such unnecessary stress and anxiety. But its also not like im worrying about aliens invading and infecting me with Ebola... Life and death and illness and disability.. these are all very real world things and maybe it is good that i think about it and am aware of it. And maybe feeling this way about it is how i should feel, because wouldnt it be weirder if I didnt feel anything?

I put it in the not that anyone cares because ultimately it doesnt really amount to anything, but felt the need to vocalize it some where, some how, to some one.

So thanks for caring anyway.