10-01-2012, 03:52 PM
My short answer is not to date, not until you work on you.
You have that self fulfilling prophesy thing going on - you believe you don't deserve any better than the users and abusers, so if you find better, you reject it off hand or, sabotage the relationship. That may or may not be intentional or even conscious on your part.
I've done it, so have others and, it leads to a world of repeated hurt that reinforces your belief that you deserve to be mistreated or, even abused, that you don't deserve the right guy.
The more the wrong guy happens, the more gun shy you get and, the more you doubt your worth and even your ability to make healthy relationship choices and decisions. That is a hard cycle to break.
I know, mainstream therapists are going to tell you that you can break it on your own, simply learn to make good choices and decisions and, learn to feel better about yourself. To a degree that's true but, I don't think it's entirely true. I think it takes the right kind of partner that understands where you've been, why yo were making bad choices and, that you probably will still unintentionally try to sabotage a good thing and, one willing to call you on it when it happens. Not to blame you but to make you aware of what you still need to work on.
It also takes some self confidence and maturity on your part to accept being called on those things and not get upset, or blame yourself but, set about being more aware of it and, fixing it.
So, were I where you are now, I'd be taking a hard look at myself and, figuring out what I needed to do to get myself as ready as I could for a good relationship and doing that. Maybe you need to do some reading, maybe you need a therapist (not a psychiatrist). maybe an abuse survivor's support group, or even online forum would help you. Whatever will get you going in the right direction for you, find it and do it. Once you get in a better place personally, then go out there and see about that good relationship.
You have that self fulfilling prophesy thing going on - you believe you don't deserve any better than the users and abusers, so if you find better, you reject it off hand or, sabotage the relationship. That may or may not be intentional or even conscious on your part.
I've done it, so have others and, it leads to a world of repeated hurt that reinforces your belief that you deserve to be mistreated or, even abused, that you don't deserve the right guy.
The more the wrong guy happens, the more gun shy you get and, the more you doubt your worth and even your ability to make healthy relationship choices and decisions. That is a hard cycle to break.
I know, mainstream therapists are going to tell you that you can break it on your own, simply learn to make good choices and decisions and, learn to feel better about yourself. To a degree that's true but, I don't think it's entirely true. I think it takes the right kind of partner that understands where you've been, why yo were making bad choices and, that you probably will still unintentionally try to sabotage a good thing and, one willing to call you on it when it happens. Not to blame you but to make you aware of what you still need to work on.
It also takes some self confidence and maturity on your part to accept being called on those things and not get upset, or blame yourself but, set about being more aware of it and, fixing it.
So, were I where you are now, I'd be taking a hard look at myself and, figuring out what I needed to do to get myself as ready as I could for a good relationship and doing that. Maybe you need to do some reading, maybe you need a therapist (not a psychiatrist). maybe an abuse survivor's support group, or even online forum would help you. Whatever will get you going in the right direction for you, find it and do it. Once you get in a better place personally, then go out there and see about that good relationship.
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
