10-01-2012, 06:08 PM
As for feeling incomplete, we are all incomplete, this is why we run off, meet people and try to become part of an 'us' because we all feel incomplete. Well most of us. This is why people say silly stuff such as 'I wasn't whole until I was with you'.
This romantic sentiment reflects the human need for companionship, the human need for intimacy, the human need to have another in our life. We get notions like true love, soul mates and other things that allude to two halves of a whole.
Of course there is an unhealthy extreme here - where that is for you I can't say.
As for abusive relationships and falling for the wrong guy, we victims of abuse tend to bring it on ourselves more often than we like to admit. No, I'm not saying we stand there and say 'Please hit me.'
I am saying we are attracted to certain personality types and we attract those types - something about our demeanor screams 'punching bag'. An abuser can see us coming from a mile off and knows the passwords and secret handshake to get us to fall for them. We fall for the charm, and the pretend mask.
Understanding that you are attracted to particular personality traits that lend themselves to abusive people is half the solution to stopping the the vicious cycle.
I don't know what it is you find attractive. Me, I'm attracted to dominate personalities that are attached to huge egos. This opens the doors for allowing a lot of things that lead to abuse. It took me several years of therapy to figure this out for myself.
Good news is that you may not have to go through therapy. Look at the personalities in your 'type' of guy that you get involved with. Find the commonalities, those traits that you are attracted to and change the type of person you go for.
It is relatively easy - heavy on the relatively.
Is China going to be your permanent home? If not then why would you even consider looking for a life partner in China? Seems to me that the risk is high that you will fall for a Chinese Citizen or a citizen of some other nation then end up having to part ways in future. As far as I know the USA does not grant citizenship to partners of gay people, and China is even worse when it comes to recognizing gay rights.
If the situation is such where you know a long term relationship is going to end with you two being separated by legalities of citizenship, then do not go out seeking such to begin with. Trust me, being forced to separate from the person you love is more horrible than their dying.
If your stay in China is Temporary, try being the single gay man on a professional level (pay is lousy, no benefits to speak of) and work on you. You are worth it. I would also steer clear of 'just sex' type relationships because love happens - when you least expect it.
If you can't do a therapist, then at the very least try figuring out what traits in your previous partners you were attracted to and try to connect dots to their behaviors.
If running away is your thing, then try to figure out your triggers and work on them.
I'd say you have the opportunity to do some serious self discovery here and may actually be in a relatively safe place if your stay in China is temporary you have good reasons to not get involved - legal reasons, citizenship reasons.
This romantic sentiment reflects the human need for companionship, the human need for intimacy, the human need to have another in our life. We get notions like true love, soul mates and other things that allude to two halves of a whole.
Of course there is an unhealthy extreme here - where that is for you I can't say.
As for abusive relationships and falling for the wrong guy, we victims of abuse tend to bring it on ourselves more often than we like to admit. No, I'm not saying we stand there and say 'Please hit me.'
I am saying we are attracted to certain personality types and we attract those types - something about our demeanor screams 'punching bag'. An abuser can see us coming from a mile off and knows the passwords and secret handshake to get us to fall for them. We fall for the charm, and the pretend mask.
Understanding that you are attracted to particular personality traits that lend themselves to abusive people is half the solution to stopping the the vicious cycle.
I don't know what it is you find attractive. Me, I'm attracted to dominate personalities that are attached to huge egos. This opens the doors for allowing a lot of things that lead to abuse. It took me several years of therapy to figure this out for myself.
Good news is that you may not have to go through therapy. Look at the personalities in your 'type' of guy that you get involved with. Find the commonalities, those traits that you are attracted to and change the type of person you go for.
It is relatively easy - heavy on the relatively.
Is China going to be your permanent home? If not then why would you even consider looking for a life partner in China? Seems to me that the risk is high that you will fall for a Chinese Citizen or a citizen of some other nation then end up having to part ways in future. As far as I know the USA does not grant citizenship to partners of gay people, and China is even worse when it comes to recognizing gay rights.
If the situation is such where you know a long term relationship is going to end with you two being separated by legalities of citizenship, then do not go out seeking such to begin with. Trust me, being forced to separate from the person you love is more horrible than their dying.
If your stay in China is Temporary, try being the single gay man on a professional level (pay is lousy, no benefits to speak of) and work on you. You are worth it. I would also steer clear of 'just sex' type relationships because love happens - when you least expect it.
If you can't do a therapist, then at the very least try figuring out what traits in your previous partners you were attracted to and try to connect dots to their behaviors.
If running away is your thing, then try to figure out your triggers and work on them.
I'd say you have the opportunity to do some serious self discovery here and may actually be in a relatively safe place if your stay in China is temporary you have good reasons to not get involved - legal reasons, citizenship reasons.
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
