To date or not to date

[ESLteacher]

Loving myself is one of the HARDEST things that I have ever tried to tackle in life. I chalk a lot of it up to my beyond fucked up childhood. Some people should never have children. Over the years I have improved a lot from the obese kid that had coke bottle glasses, nervous grunts, and eye twitches (not to mention the beating marks). It scarred me though...it scarred me deep in my soul. It has made me that much harder on myself as an adult. I can never just let the pieces fall where they may, I have to control where they fall. I feel that I always have to find ways to improve myself whether it is physical, mental, or just a skill. Most of the people that I grew up with had decent families, lived at home until they went off to college, parents paid for college, they got their bachelors, got the job, the car, the house, and the family. Me on the other hand, that was not an option. Being thrown in and out of mental hospitals for three years when in reality the problem was not with me, it was with my parents (hence why none of us three kids talk to either of them and haven't in years). I was forced on my own with nothing to start with, had to get my GED through night classes at the local community college, attempted college and between time and the cost it did not work out very long. So I did what made sense, I came to China, earned my teaching diploma, worked off my debt to my sponsor agency that paid for it, and now here I am. I am finally in a place where I can work and afford college so next semester that will be happening for me via the internet and I think that will help me feel a bit more complete. Plus, I have been researching plastic surgery in Shanghai at a certain hospital and getting rid of all of that leftover stuff from when I used to be obese will help me move to a better place mentally as well I think.