10-11-2012, 07:11 AM
Whoa whoa take a few deep breaths......
When I read through your post I could not help but think of myself. ESPECIALLY when it came to the last part about your mom and your family. Seriously I can completely relate. First things first.
Knowing if you are gay or not isn't really a simple answer. I was going through this heavily as I was in a very similar position as you were a few months ago. I realized I had some sort of attraction to guys since I was hmm about 14. I knew I wasn't the same as other kids since I was about 8. It was always in the back of my mind but I never really thought about it in fact I kind of rejected the idea. I couldn't be gay. No way. Its just admiration. It was only a few months ago, literally, a friend jokingly suggested that I should experiment with this one guy at work. Talking about double dates and such. Well things kind of crashed down at that point. I knew I was attracted to him but i always figured this attraction was only admiration. Awesome guy. Nice. Athletic. Popular. But soon afterwards I could never get him out of my mind. At that point I realized I was crushing on this dood. To be honest it horrified me. It also horrified me that I never had such strong emotions for a girl before. I usually look at them as friends. No matter how gorgeous or hot they are I didn't feel a thing. That was the first sign I knew that I could be gay. I didn't really figure it out till months later but the only reason why was I had such a great support system of friends and I kind of already had suspicions I was different when I was younger.
The one thing you have to keep in mind is that you should take it at your own pace. No one can really answer your question except yourself. You may be or you could be just very empathetic or you may just really want to be in a relationship or you just have so much love that you have to give you just dont care who to give it to. It doesn't necessarily mean you are gay. It is a very complicated answer but it all comes from inside. You will find your answer when you learn more about yourself and your attractions and your emotions. Who knows maybe you are Bi rather than just gay?
As for your friend. Your emotions are your own. We can't really identify it as love because only you know what you are truly feeling. It could be love as in a I want to be your significant other/relationship type of love or it could be a brotherly love or a best friend type of love. Some people mistake this powerful emotion as love as in a significant other type.
Bottom line is that you shouldnt rush. You have time. Do a little soul searching. Think about what you want and how you feel when it comes to men and woman. Would you hold hands? Kiss? Would you be fine with intimacy? It really is just going deep inside and knowing how you feel about all of this.
Now maybe you are comfortable because its not a big deal to you anymore. Perhaps you got used to them? Just because you are comfortable doesnt mean you are gay. It's like saying just because I am comfortable being around my friend means that I want to sleep with them.
Now about your mom and your family. I come from a very very very traditional asian family. My dad lost contact with his family when he moved here to the US and married my mom. So when my older sister and I was born we were always around my mom's side of the family. Now our family was brutal. Our own grandfather was looking down on his kids and nieces and nephews left and right. Anyone who made less money than he did he would laugh and say nasty things or he would make fun of them. Everything was about image. When we were young we were taught not to do anything that would cause my dad or mom to lose face/pride. At the time we had a business and we had money. That went down the drain when my mother passed away when I was 4. We needed to sell our business for her medical bills but her own father and brother (whom we wanted to sell it to so at least the business was kept in the family) refused. Even for their own daughter/sister. They refused. So we sold the business for lower prices. Became well poor and had other people saying how bad my father was. Not being able to deal with it, my dad took me and my sister and moved to vegas away from all of our relatives(all of them were horrible). When we left they were saying that we were going to be strippers or gangsters or drop outs and druggies. They all were comparing their own children (my cousins) to me and my sister. of course we didnt end up that way and in fact we were better than most of our cousins back home. So my father got a better reputation while the other families lost it and are still being made fun of. We dont do it but we hear it from some of the nicer ones. We still keep in contact because my dad feels like let bye gones be by gones... But anyways. I know if my dad knew that I was gay and if they knew... His pride would be completely be ripped away. He would be miserable. Because he views reputation highly... Word would spread like wild fire within our relatives. Then they would go and spit acid on him. But in the end, in my way of thinking. I know it would hurt him but unfortunately am I to live my life in the shadows? To forever pretend to be the ideal obedient straight son? (which like you many have said to me) It will come out eventually and I wont be able to stop him from feeling remorse. But I would rather be able to live my life freely than to be wrapped in chains and denied my happiness. I love my dad. Don't get me wrong, I would be heartbroken if he was hurt in any way. He raised two kids by himself. NEver married for fear of being mistreated by a new wife. Drove us to school every day and picked us up every day for he didnt want us to walk. But in the end I am who I am. I will still love him and want to take care of him but if he can't accept me or if his reputation was more important than my love? I am sacrificing everything to make him happy. I cant go out. I have a curfew of like 9pm. I have never been to a birthday party let alone a regular party. Never been to a club. Never had friends over. Not trying to throw myself a pity part but I did everything he wanted. That is how much I lvoe him. So i dont want to see the people I love hurt in any way. BUt this is about me. My future. this isnt just some random phase or some toy that I cant have. This is ME.
You really cant stop your relatives from attacking your mother. The only thing you can do is be the best you can be and show them that you are an awesome son and that just because you may be gay doesnt mean your mother is anything less than amazing. You then will have to be her support and let her know despite all of the despicable things your relatives say she is still awesome.
Dont worry about organization. When you have a lot on your mind things will be jumbled up. I have the same problem
But to sum it all up. Take your time. Do some soul searching. Support your mom. Be happy with yourself no matter what you end up feeling. And you will always find support here on this forum. If you want to talk more my PM box is available I feel your pain. It just takes time to figure everything out.
PS if you haven't already figured. I myself am not completely out to my family and friends. So i am just a little bit further than you are haha. So yes I really do know what you are going through because I just went through it a few months ago.
When I read through your post I could not help but think of myself. ESPECIALLY when it came to the last part about your mom and your family. Seriously I can completely relate. First things first.
Knowing if you are gay or not isn't really a simple answer. I was going through this heavily as I was in a very similar position as you were a few months ago. I realized I had some sort of attraction to guys since I was hmm about 14. I knew I wasn't the same as other kids since I was about 8. It was always in the back of my mind but I never really thought about it in fact I kind of rejected the idea. I couldn't be gay. No way. Its just admiration. It was only a few months ago, literally, a friend jokingly suggested that I should experiment with this one guy at work. Talking about double dates and such. Well things kind of crashed down at that point. I knew I was attracted to him but i always figured this attraction was only admiration. Awesome guy. Nice. Athletic. Popular. But soon afterwards I could never get him out of my mind. At that point I realized I was crushing on this dood. To be honest it horrified me. It also horrified me that I never had such strong emotions for a girl before. I usually look at them as friends. No matter how gorgeous or hot they are I didn't feel a thing. That was the first sign I knew that I could be gay. I didn't really figure it out till months later but the only reason why was I had such a great support system of friends and I kind of already had suspicions I was different when I was younger.
The one thing you have to keep in mind is that you should take it at your own pace. No one can really answer your question except yourself. You may be or you could be just very empathetic or you may just really want to be in a relationship or you just have so much love that you have to give you just dont care who to give it to. It doesn't necessarily mean you are gay. It is a very complicated answer but it all comes from inside. You will find your answer when you learn more about yourself and your attractions and your emotions. Who knows maybe you are Bi rather than just gay?
As for your friend. Your emotions are your own. We can't really identify it as love because only you know what you are truly feeling. It could be love as in a I want to be your significant other/relationship type of love or it could be a brotherly love or a best friend type of love. Some people mistake this powerful emotion as love as in a significant other type.
Bottom line is that you shouldnt rush. You have time. Do a little soul searching. Think about what you want and how you feel when it comes to men and woman. Would you hold hands? Kiss? Would you be fine with intimacy? It really is just going deep inside and knowing how you feel about all of this.
Now maybe you are comfortable because its not a big deal to you anymore. Perhaps you got used to them? Just because you are comfortable doesnt mean you are gay. It's like saying just because I am comfortable being around my friend means that I want to sleep with them.
Now about your mom and your family. I come from a very very very traditional asian family. My dad lost contact with his family when he moved here to the US and married my mom. So when my older sister and I was born we were always around my mom's side of the family. Now our family was brutal. Our own grandfather was looking down on his kids and nieces and nephews left and right. Anyone who made less money than he did he would laugh and say nasty things or he would make fun of them. Everything was about image. When we were young we were taught not to do anything that would cause my dad or mom to lose face/pride. At the time we had a business and we had money. That went down the drain when my mother passed away when I was 4. We needed to sell our business for her medical bills but her own father and brother (whom we wanted to sell it to so at least the business was kept in the family) refused. Even for their own daughter/sister. They refused. So we sold the business for lower prices. Became well poor and had other people saying how bad my father was. Not being able to deal with it, my dad took me and my sister and moved to vegas away from all of our relatives(all of them were horrible). When we left they were saying that we were going to be strippers or gangsters or drop outs and druggies. They all were comparing their own children (my cousins) to me and my sister. of course we didnt end up that way and in fact we were better than most of our cousins back home. So my father got a better reputation while the other families lost it and are still being made fun of. We dont do it but we hear it from some of the nicer ones. We still keep in contact because my dad feels like let bye gones be by gones... But anyways. I know if my dad knew that I was gay and if they knew... His pride would be completely be ripped away. He would be miserable. Because he views reputation highly... Word would spread like wild fire within our relatives. Then they would go and spit acid on him. But in the end, in my way of thinking. I know it would hurt him but unfortunately am I to live my life in the shadows? To forever pretend to be the ideal obedient straight son? (which like you many have said to me) It will come out eventually and I wont be able to stop him from feeling remorse. But I would rather be able to live my life freely than to be wrapped in chains and denied my happiness. I love my dad. Don't get me wrong, I would be heartbroken if he was hurt in any way. He raised two kids by himself. NEver married for fear of being mistreated by a new wife. Drove us to school every day and picked us up every day for he didnt want us to walk. But in the end I am who I am. I will still love him and want to take care of him but if he can't accept me or if his reputation was more important than my love? I am sacrificing everything to make him happy. I cant go out. I have a curfew of like 9pm. I have never been to a birthday party let alone a regular party. Never been to a club. Never had friends over. Not trying to throw myself a pity part but I did everything he wanted. That is how much I lvoe him. So i dont want to see the people I love hurt in any way. BUt this is about me. My future. this isnt just some random phase or some toy that I cant have. This is ME.
You really cant stop your relatives from attacking your mother. The only thing you can do is be the best you can be and show them that you are an awesome son and that just because you may be gay doesnt mean your mother is anything less than amazing. You then will have to be her support and let her know despite all of the despicable things your relatives say she is still awesome.
Dont worry about organization. When you have a lot on your mind things will be jumbled up. I have the same problem
But to sum it all up. Take your time. Do some soul searching. Support your mom. Be happy with yourself no matter what you end up feeling. And you will always find support here on this forum. If you want to talk more my PM box is available I feel your pain. It just takes time to figure everything out.PS if you haven't already figured. I myself am not completely out to my family and friends. So i am just a little bit further than you are haha. So yes I really do know what you are going through because I just went through it a few months ago.
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