10-22-2012, 02:40 AM
Thanks guys! This being single thing is really hard, especially at night when things get quiet around the house and it's just me and my little puppy. I know I'm not ready to date yet, but it sure would be nice to have someone to talk to that will respond back in words, not just set there and look at me like, "You idiot I don't understand a word you're saying. Now get me some food!"
I'm definitely going to take some time for myself and figure out who I am and what it means for me to be a gay man. I don't know how long that will take, but I hope it doesn't take a whole year for that to happen. I'm not sure I even want to go through the holidays by myself. I know there was no way to save my marriage, even if I was straight. I was lonely and trying to be something I wasn't, and I don't mean just pretending to be straight either. I thought I was a happily married man, but all I was was a whooped puppy trying to buy the love and affection of not only my now ex wife, but my children as well.
But all that aside, I'm still lonely. Sure I have my friends and I have you guys to talk to. But what I eventually need is someone to not only share my life and my hopes and dreams with, but to have them share their life and their hopes and dreams with me as well. I thought I had found that in my ex boyfriend, but it turns out he was and still is just a kid chasing a dream that may or may not come true.
Don't get me wrong, I wish him all the best. And I'm glad he came into my life. He gave me the courage I needed when I was at my lowest point ever. I had started cutting myself before he came into the picture. That's something I had never even considered doing, even when I was 13 years old and had a conversation with a set of gun cabinet keys about killing myself. I even carved the word "fag" into my ankle and was back at the point where I was ready to end it all.
But then he stepped in and showed me that it was ok to be who I am and to stand up for myself and not let anyone, even me, tell me that who I am and who I am attracted to is not a bad thing. For that, I am forever in debt to him. But now I realize that I was just a project for him to fix up and set back on the path to wholeness so he could feel good about himself. And it's time for me to set him free and become the person I was born to be. The person who loves me and is willing to step off over the cliff and learn to fly!
Yeah I know! I'm sounding like something off a Hallmark greeting card. But you know I'm tired if living my life in the shadow of others. So even if I sound a bit cheesy, and even if I don't always soar like the eagles, I'm taking my chances and doing it. Come what may, this bird is going to fly! And in the end, I hope and pray that I can someday help someone else find their courage and strength, not just fix them up and leave them, but to be there for them no matter what!
I'm definitely going to take some time for myself and figure out who I am and what it means for me to be a gay man. I don't know how long that will take, but I hope it doesn't take a whole year for that to happen. I'm not sure I even want to go through the holidays by myself. I know there was no way to save my marriage, even if I was straight. I was lonely and trying to be something I wasn't, and I don't mean just pretending to be straight either. I thought I was a happily married man, but all I was was a whooped puppy trying to buy the love and affection of not only my now ex wife, but my children as well.
But all that aside, I'm still lonely. Sure I have my friends and I have you guys to talk to. But what I eventually need is someone to not only share my life and my hopes and dreams with, but to have them share their life and their hopes and dreams with me as well. I thought I had found that in my ex boyfriend, but it turns out he was and still is just a kid chasing a dream that may or may not come true.
Don't get me wrong, I wish him all the best. And I'm glad he came into my life. He gave me the courage I needed when I was at my lowest point ever. I had started cutting myself before he came into the picture. That's something I had never even considered doing, even when I was 13 years old and had a conversation with a set of gun cabinet keys about killing myself. I even carved the word "fag" into my ankle and was back at the point where I was ready to end it all.
But then he stepped in and showed me that it was ok to be who I am and to stand up for myself and not let anyone, even me, tell me that who I am and who I am attracted to is not a bad thing. For that, I am forever in debt to him. But now I realize that I was just a project for him to fix up and set back on the path to wholeness so he could feel good about himself. And it's time for me to set him free and become the person I was born to be. The person who loves me and is willing to step off over the cliff and learn to fly!
Yeah I know! I'm sounding like something off a Hallmark greeting card. But you know I'm tired if living my life in the shadow of others. So even if I sound a bit cheesy, and even if I don't always soar like the eagles, I'm taking my chances and doing it. Come what may, this bird is going to fly! And in the end, I hope and pray that I can someday help someone else find their courage and strength, not just fix them up and leave them, but to be there for them no matter what!
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
