i don't know what to do

[hank]

Drinking, thoughts of suicide... hmm. I believe you have stepped a few steps beyond 'anonymous' internet support to actually requiring a therapist.

I have read a lot of what you wrote in the way of threads, I see trends based on those posts - But. I do not know you as a person, I only get to see a few threads which may or may not really underline a few needs you may have.

Having nightmares about your sexuality is not within nominal parameters of human experience - not to the degree you have had. This strongly suggests that your struggle with acceptance of your sexuality is a bit more difficult than the average.

As such, I would at this time strongly recommend you seek the assistance of a therapist. Use him/her as a sounding board and as a real human being to come out to which you know will not reject you, hate you etc.

A psychologist is trained how to talk with a person, and will help you to learn how to actually communicate what you are feeling. I suspect from what you have written over all of this time that you were raised in a very traditional family with strict adherence to gender roles then you have your height which places even more demands on you to be a 'man' and not deal with emotional stuff.

I know this is irrational but I had a bad experience with a therapist once. I am having trouble trusting them. One who I opened up to had told me something, just right after I came out I didn't realize he was with ministry. He insisted that it was all in my head and that my sexuality was purly choice.

I want to see a therapist but I have difficulty. How do I know they aren't going to be like this? Is there any way to tell?