What's on Your Mind

[Jay]

Umm...is that a bad thing, @Insertnamehere? Honestly, does it scare guys away? lol

All these stuff happened few years ago though. I was around 28/29 years old. I just came out and well, I was still young, energetic and excited of being myself for the first time.

I'm much low profile and laid back now. Still bold but not as in your face like I was in the past.

Before I came out and while I was still losing weight, I was a different person with different personality. I was still learning to have self esteem, confidence etc. Around 2007, I met a guy named Dylan Walker originated from San Diego. He was in his 50s at the time. He shared a lot of his stories - coming out, losing friends to AIDS, gay stuff in 70s and 80s...he taught me stuff to prepare myself and not to repeat his mistakes.

He then taught me to be outspoken and be confident with myself. He also assisted to improve my English fluency. He always joked on how he was able to corrupt and 'westernize' me. What he meant was Asians are typically shy and a bit reserved. I was like that and then I changed. I become confident, outspoken, open, direct etc. I'm still very much 'Asian-like' but as my friends described, 'very modern for a Malay and a Muslim (I'm agnostic but my background is Islam)."

Dylan was in your face type of guy. I remember talking to him after several months not seeing him. The first thing that he noticed and said to me, "Jay, your English fell off sharply. Not as good as before."

Bam.

I wasn't offended. He was right. I used to be fluent - speak and write properly. Nowadays, I become a bit, eh. I can still still speak and write properly but I'm just bit lazy. It's not just with English but even with local language (mother tongue). My fluency depends with who and to whom I speak/write to. My Indonesian accent only comes out when I speak to certain or random people.

One thing that I still haven't changed ... I'm quite naive. Almost everyone knows that. Not naive as in stupid kind of way but too innocent/kind that I can easily be exploited. I remember how my ex boss and colleagues had to protect me (around 2009/2010) because I just came out, way too naive and still learning about life. Throughout 2009 up until last year, I made so many mistakes. I 'allowed' people to use and exploit me. It happened once in this forum few years ago. Several members like PrinceAlbert and East probably still remember. I was so scared by my stupid mistake for helping a 'homeless' forum member that I deleted my GS account. Last year, I was used and backstabbed by a friend. A friend that I considered as my best friend. That was really painful. One of the reasons I went into depression.

And I went off topic again.

Sorry for babbling.

I just re-read my previous post. The way I described everything, eh it makes me sound a bit as*-like or something like that. Or maybe I'm thinking too much again.

Oh well, I've never said I'm perfect.

By the way, I was in the gym from 1.30pm until 6pm. lol God, I have no life. I trained my legs and arms today. I was actually happy with my training today particularly with my Back Squat. Surprisingly, I was able to add additional weight into my squat. Made a new personal record.

Today's training was my official return to workout after being absent from gym and work for almost a week plus due to virus infection, which nearly took my left eyesight.

I did train yesterday. I trained my back. But I was quite weak and awkward particularly while doing deadlift.

But today was the opposite. I gave my full effort and strength. I kicked butt today. Amen!