What's on Your Mind

[Emiliano]

Well I can't say I know how you feel... I guess I have just steered away from issues like that mainly because I how it would likely effect me and not in a good way.

I have a friend who works at an animal shelter, and let me make it clear I'm not saying they're the same, they're not but it seems that you're very passionate about what you do, so is my friend. He pretty much deals with people who abandon their cats and dogs (lots of cats), especially those who have special needs. Then there are the people who shouldn't have pets or go on facebook and try to give away kittens for free or looking for free kittens....Crazy how much animal abuse there is in this area. Then again, I find it hard to believe and realize there is so much racism, homophobia, xenophobia in this country too...or just in the area I live in. Like, how can people be so brainwashed to support Trump blindly? I mean today, not 6 months ago. Just doesn't make sense...

Anyway... I mean normally I would say that someone would need to find something else, change of scenery, etc. I can see how something else would be good but I think it would be hard to walk away from too. I don't want to come off and say that you should but for your overall happiness and well being? Maybe? I can't really answer that but I think it might be something to put some thought into.

I know you're trying to be kind and helpful, and I appreciate it and am grateful for it, but I'm honestly not seeking a solution or a fix. I just need to verbalize things sometimes.

I don't really talk to people about my inner thoughts. Even my family and my close friends, I'm more of the person they go to when they need help and the times that I've talked about how I feel, it makes them uncomfortable, it's not the role they see me as. Between those experiences and my personality in general, I just prefer not to. Even writing this, or reading over what I originally wrote... it's awkward for me.

So even just to be like, I'm angry, I'm stressed, I'm overwhelmed... just verbalizing it without people making a huge deal about it is helpful to me. Just to put it out there.

I'm also not really the type of person who can walk away from my responsibilities. I feel guilty when I call out sick. I am very passionate about the work I do, I love my jobs, and they are deeply fulfilling. But they are challenging. I've also had a few bad interactions in the past few weeks that have gotten under my skin... so as much as I'd love to take the advice to just stop paying attention to things that bother me, the ability to do that really is a luxury some of us don't have.

Beyond Trump, who still is deeply disturbing to me, as are his followers, there's just a lot of hypocrisy and I don't know how to phrase it... coldness, callousness? in this world. And that has really got me pissed off lately, how easily some people can dismiss the humanity of others. But still act as if they are speaking on behalf of humanity, that they have the moral high ground because they focus on the flaws of others but are blind to their own faults. Pick and chose what they consider bad... I'm not very articulate right now and I'm kind of guarded about speaking bluntly on here. But hopefully you get what I mean.

I'm don't consider myself an optimist, I'm not an idealist, and I'm not a romantic. I never have been, that's not new for me. I'm a realist, and I don't believe in sugar coating things. It's no surprise to me that there's shit in this world, because I've been seeing it since I was a kid. But I have always had a deeply held belief about the potential for good in people. And I think I've been questioning that a lot lately.

I'll come around though, I'm not in such a dark place that I can't see the light. I'm just tired of dealing with shit and needed to vent. But I'm a resilient person and I'll be ok once I work through it a little more.