What's on Your Mind

[InbetweenDreams]

I know you're trying to be kind and helpful, and I appreciate it and am grateful for it, but I'm honestly not seeking a solution or a fix. I just need to verbalize things sometimes.

Well can't always tell exactly how someone else feels, in text especially, but I know what you mean. I've had a rough past few weeks and while it would be helpful, probably, to vent about it, I think I put way too much information on here which makes me uncomfortable.

I don't really talk to people about my inner thoughts. Even my family and my close friends, I'm more of the person they go to when they need help and the times that I've talked about how I feel, it makes them uncomfortable, it's not the role they see me as. Between those experiences and my personality in general, I just prefer not to. Even writing this, or reading over what I originally wrote... it's awkward for me.

Well when I was growing up and in part of my 20's I was pretty much the same way, I was pretty closed off and in some ways I am still that way. I don't discuss with my parents about my relationships or everything that goes on with work and frankly no one really knows. Only close friends do I go into anything.

I don't know why you expressing how you feel would make anyone uncomfortable. Just because your role is typically the opposite doesn't mean you're not a human with feelings... It is ok to seek comfort, be pampered, to have an extra donut or have your date pay for dinner.

I get the sense you have a habit of putting the weight of the world on your shoulders.

So even just to be like, I'm angry, I'm stressed, I'm overwhelmed... just verbalizing it without people making a huge deal about it is helpful to me. Just to put it out there.

Understood. I don't talk about this much but I have kept a journal since 2005. I seldom write in it, but it has grown to over 100 pages, single spaced (that's how Microsoft Word used to be back in the day). Not making a suggestion there, but in relation to what you said, it has helped me and kind of interesting and funny to read back the stupid shit that mattered to me over the years.

I'm also not really the type of person who can walk away from my responsibilities. I feel guilty when I call out sick. I am very passionate about the work I do, I love my jobs, and they are deeply fulfilling. But they are challenging. I've also had a few bad interactions in the past few weeks that have gotten under my skin... so as much as I'd love to take the advice to just stop paying attention to things that bother me, the ability to do that really is a luxury some of us don't have.

Well that's what I mean when I say you remind me of my friend at the animal shelter. We went on a couple dates a few years ago and he always works, has about 16 cats in his apartment (which was why I didn't continue dating him -- I like cats but it is impossible to keep a clean place with so many cats... I mean my eyes were watering up). He just seemed so immersed with his work, stressed out, that I could tell he wasn't happy but felt that his work was more important than him living. He's probably not the best example, but I can see a few places were you two might parallel.

That being said, I don't think what you do is bad, as in immersing yourself in work, I think it is good to be passionate in what you do and that you aren't doing it to become insanely rich, or screw people over. Seems the world is ran by people who seek wealth and power and won't think twice to drag someone through the mud.

Not to rant and not to offend any women on here, but women are the worst in the workplace. Just yesterday, after I had left, I get a voicemail on my office phone and less than a minute later an email pops up and it says "I CAN'T GET A HOLD OF ANYONE IN IT!" and was sent to 2 VP's and everyone else. I had less than a minute to have acknowledge her voicemail before I could possibly call back. I don't know but the passive aggressiveness and disrespect here lately has been getting under my skin and while it really is a small deal just pisses me off and sometimes I have a hard time letting things go. I really try not to bitch about things. Speaking of, supposedly people who complain more live longer? I haven't looked into it but seen some crap like that flow into Facebook. Anyway, there my mini-rant lol

Beyond Trump, who still is deeply disturbing to me, as are his followers, there's just a lot of hypocrisy and I don't know how to phrase it... coldness, callousness? in this world. And that has really got me pissed off lately, how easily some people can dismiss the humanity of others. But still act as if they are speaking on behalf of humanity, that they have the moral high ground because they focus on the flaws of others but are blind to their own faults. Pick and chose what they consider bad... I'm not very articulate right now and I'm kind of guarded about speaking bluntly on here. But hopefully you get what I mean.

Well I don't think there is anything wrong with speaking bluntly. I think the problem talking about anything like politics or things like racism and xenophobia is that people don't research stuff...I'm guilty of that at times and everyone has a knee jerk reaction to something they initially object to, or simply take out of context... Context is hard to pick up when you're reading someone else's words with your inner voice. Very easy to mis-interpret things, or at least I find it to be the case with myself.

On Donald Dump's supporters. They feel they have "won" something. They're blind, to it, they don't realize it. Now, I'm speaking about the hardcore, Fox News watching, the kind of people who listen to Rush Limbaugh and The Blaze and think Sean Hannity should be president. They don't see the smoke screen. They don't realize that those people say what they say to make money, then again, that's politics in a nutshell. I do think that solely and blindly supporting any political party is equally bad. I know the media will only air certain stories while other things go on unnoticed by the public. The politicians and the people that own the media have a very big interest in controlling public opinion. Like the video news releases on random things, like out of the blue there's a story that is aired on every news station about a computer viruses which really turns into a commercial for an anti-virus company, they might have someone from Symantec or McAfee or some other firm. Not the best example but there is a lot of that, some of it I probably don't catch. Even news articles, I read them and I immediately realize they are so slanted. However, because they know that their readers are going to agree with their views, it is hard to see that they're slanted one way or the other. I mean it's pretty broad.

Anyway, yeah I don't get Trump supporters, how they can totally dismiss any dealings he had with Russia and I'm pretty sure he has dealings and probably has a lot to do with him winning the election. I mean c'mon, we're about 5 months into his presidency and his attorney is already holding press conferences. What is this? House of Cards? I mean sometimes I wonder if Trump is more corrupt than Underwood, who's a fucking fictional character for fucks sake. I mean it takes imagination to make Frank Underwood a corrupt and evil politician and Trump says, "hold my beer." Oh but it's fake news...right. Yes, of course, most of the news has been twisted to form a specific narrative, but that's true of every news outlet, except maybe C-SPAN.

I'm don't consider myself an optimist, I'm not an idealist, and I'm not a romantic. I never have been, that's not new for me. I'm a realist, and I don't believe in sugar coating things. It's no surprise to me that there's shit in this world, because I've been seeing it since I was a kid. But I have always had a deeply held belief about the potential for good in people. And I think I've been questioning that a lot lately.

I'll come around though, I'm not in such a dark place that I can't see the light. I'm just tired of dealing with shit and needed to vent. But I'm a resilient person and I'll be ok once I work through it a little more.

I think most people are good, but most people are also stupid. Not that I sugar coat things, at least not intentionally anyway, I will say that instead of saying someone is a blithering idiot, sometimes explaining in more detail...like how they're a blithering idiot, is less harsh. My thinking simply is that you can't fix stupid. Ron White was right about that. I see plenty of dumb people, people that just read a meme and that's now their opinion and have zero critical thinking skills, even people who have more education than I do are fucking dumb when it comes to the issues because their mommy or their daddy was a republican or a democrat. I mean probably the dumbest reason to be affiliated with a political party is because your parents do. I see it the same way with religion. I had little exposure to religion and I can see it for what it really is, very little of spirituality but more on controlling you and raising money to have influence over more people and the government (which have no business belonging in).