09-18-2008, 10:06 AM
Sorry to hear that you are suffering so, Wiltur. It seems pretty normal that if your view of the world is changed by circumstances you are going to start asking questions.
From what you've said I think I would agree with Spoty that this doesn't have to be a reason to break up with your partner. It will only become a reason if either of you want it to be. From what you said it sounds like neither of you is otherwise keen to split up. The questions you ask ... again I think you already know the answers. Be honest with yourself. Do you really believe it will be okay with you if you go and look for someone else to shag, just because that's what he did? That's not the same as having the drive from within to look elsewhere. It is a betrayal of the values you hold. An act of revenge is rarely pretty. Again you may derive an immediate satisfaction, but pretty soon afterward you will not like yourself for what you have done. Guilt is very destructive. It made your partner moody. It could do a lot worse to you.
Pretending that nothing has happened is not an option. It HAS happened and now you both have to deal with it. Talking, talking and more talking is the only way you are going to really work your way through this. Leaving things unsaid always leaves things unanswered, usually for the other person. Your experience is sad, but it does reflect the reality of all our lives, that things change within and around us, and we have to make the most of what we have. What you agreed four years ago cannot continue to be taken for granted. It was enough for him to play one sexual role to begin with, but is clearly no longer the case. Once those questions start niggling us they become increasingly hard to ignore.
Where this becomes a problem is that if one partner's need to work through a situation is done at the expense of the other i.e. the situation is played out on a kind of point-scoring basis. Your starting point really has to be, this is where we are so what do we do now?
One way we show our partners that we love them is that we go the extra mile for them. It is normal that two people will have sexual thermostats set differently from time to time. However, being able to give of ourselves when we may not feel like it is a recognition of the needs of the other person. Similarly, recognising and accepting that our partner may not be particularly in the mood is the other side of the same coin. This only works where both make an effort to accommodate the needs of the other. Failure to do so gets us into the rut where one or both feel they need to look elsewhere for satisfaction. Sensitivity to the other only gets us so far, though. We need to communicate.
You're right. This could have been avoided if the communication had been there ... perhaps ... Why should either of you have to forget what he did? You have both learned something from it and because of that it is a valuable, if painful at present, experience. If you both want to stay together don't use his actions as a club with which to beat yourselves or each other. Go forward together and have fun together.
In your talking you may want to be as honest as you know how about what you will seriously want in the future. Is the sexual fidelity you have till now demanded of each other realistic? If not, what wil that mean for you both? Is monogamy something you have grafted on to your relationship because that's how people "do" relationships or is it something you offer as a gift of your love to each other? How will you deal in the future with differences in needs and expectations that will inevitably arise as you get older, wiser and eventually as your bodies change?
Whatever you do I wish you both the very best of luck. None of this stuff is easy. Don't be too hard on yourselves.
ps.
I assume all the necessary safer sex precautions were taken?
From what you've said I think I would agree with Spoty that this doesn't have to be a reason to break up with your partner. It will only become a reason if either of you want it to be. From what you said it sounds like neither of you is otherwise keen to split up. The questions you ask ... again I think you already know the answers. Be honest with yourself. Do you really believe it will be okay with you if you go and look for someone else to shag, just because that's what he did? That's not the same as having the drive from within to look elsewhere. It is a betrayal of the values you hold. An act of revenge is rarely pretty. Again you may derive an immediate satisfaction, but pretty soon afterward you will not like yourself for what you have done. Guilt is very destructive. It made your partner moody. It could do a lot worse to you.
Pretending that nothing has happened is not an option. It HAS happened and now you both have to deal with it. Talking, talking and more talking is the only way you are going to really work your way through this. Leaving things unsaid always leaves things unanswered, usually for the other person. Your experience is sad, but it does reflect the reality of all our lives, that things change within and around us, and we have to make the most of what we have. What you agreed four years ago cannot continue to be taken for granted. It was enough for him to play one sexual role to begin with, but is clearly no longer the case. Once those questions start niggling us they become increasingly hard to ignore.
Where this becomes a problem is that if one partner's need to work through a situation is done at the expense of the other i.e. the situation is played out on a kind of point-scoring basis. Your starting point really has to be, this is where we are so what do we do now?
One way we show our partners that we love them is that we go the extra mile for them. It is normal that two people will have sexual thermostats set differently from time to time. However, being able to give of ourselves when we may not feel like it is a recognition of the needs of the other person. Similarly, recognising and accepting that our partner may not be particularly in the mood is the other side of the same coin. This only works where both make an effort to accommodate the needs of the other. Failure to do so gets us into the rut where one or both feel they need to look elsewhere for satisfaction. Sensitivity to the other only gets us so far, though. We need to communicate.
You're right. This could have been avoided if the communication had been there ... perhaps ... Why should either of you have to forget what he did? You have both learned something from it and because of that it is a valuable, if painful at present, experience. If you both want to stay together don't use his actions as a club with which to beat yourselves or each other. Go forward together and have fun together.
In your talking you may want to be as honest as you know how about what you will seriously want in the future. Is the sexual fidelity you have till now demanded of each other realistic? If not, what wil that mean for you both? Is monogamy something you have grafted on to your relationship because that's how people "do" relationships or is it something you offer as a gift of your love to each other? How will you deal in the future with differences in needs and expectations that will inevitably arise as you get older, wiser and eventually as your bodies change?
Whatever you do I wish you both the very best of luck. None of this stuff is easy. Don't be too hard on yourselves.
ps.
I assume all the necessary safer sex precautions were taken?
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