Cheating boyfriend = unbearable pain

[marshlander]

Wiltur, you sound very self-aware and I think you will come out of this all right. Trust yourself and give yourself time.

I'm interested in a couple of your comments.

I don't want to lose him, nor does he, so I'm trying my best to stay close to him in this period .. but I have this thing inside that I know is going to devour me if I don't do something. It's hard to explain .. it's probably a mixed feeling of justice and revenge (the two things are scarily similar..), I feel I've given everything I could for him during these years, and I can't bear that he paid me back like that - I couldn't condone it if this happened to a friend, and so much less since it's happened to me and I know how much energy and sacrifice and hope I put in our relationship. It's just unfair.

It is unfair, specially if you look at his actions as something he did to you. However, sometimes things just happen. Sometimes we start out on a path which is intriguing, for whatever reason(s) and find ourselves unable to turn back before we hit a point of no return. Sometimes we are driven to do something that is selfish (in the broadest sense of the word) and thoughts of those we love the most take a lower priority for a while. This doesn't mean he regards you any less, just that something else has become overwhelmingly more demanding at that moment. Trust me, I'm an expert on this one, unfortunately . This is presumptious, but I do believe that once we start trying to quantify and compare levels of commitment and sacrifice with someone else we are in trouble. How can I possibly know the truth of what someone else has surrendered to be with me? There are times when I just have to live in hope and exercise trust. Sometimes that trust is not returned in kind. That's when our own commitments are tested. What matters most? Having him in your life or reminding him of a mistake he obviously regrets?

This thing inside you, to which you refer, will indeed devour you (both) if you let it. By all means rant as much as you need to here. We're anonymous and can take it. However, if you want to keep your man try (when you're with him) to tone down the ranting, the silences, the hurt looks or whatever is your preferred method of expression and go forward together. It will not be easy, but I believe it is possible and in the longer term far more productive. If, however, you do decide that you want to break up after all then give him whatever degree of hell makes you feel better but do that only when you've nothing to lose.

And still I don't understand it .. I don't know whether what he did can be justified or not. I'm not talking about forgiveness, I'm talking about understanding and explaining .. monogamy is the natural way for a relationship for me, but is it because I am just too naive? Am I missing something about the way things go in the World?

You are very lucky that you find monogamy so natural. Some people don't. I wasn't going to make this personal, but it might make sense to say something about my own circumstances here. Albert and I have always recognised the potential difficulties in our relationship which could arise from living in different countries, sometimes for weeks at a time. He has always said to me that if I felt the need to have sex with someone else he would understand. He has, however asked two things of me. One is that I don't engage in anything that would put his health at risk (his family have already lost his brother to AIDS and he could not bear to bring them more heartache) and the other is that I don't betray his love for me by developing feelings for someone else without telling him. (Those of you who have been around for a while will understand that Albert is an extraordinary man. Little do any of you know just how extraordinary and wonderful he truly is.) Since we met in middle age we both come with habit and history. Let's just say that mine was not snow white. I didn't know how I would deal with the pressures of a long-distance relationship. However, an interesting thing has happened for me. The very fact that he does not try to keep me on a leash has made me value him even more. I doubt there is any risk in the forseeable future that he will look elsewhere either. For us, trust and freedom works. I have had plenty of opportunity (I suppose ... ), but there is just something about having the freedom to make a choice that keeps our bond strong and monogamous. I don't pretend to understand it, but I celebrate it. I much prefer the person that knowing Albert is helping me to become to the man (or dare I say "men") that I was previously.

... (since this is confession time: he even said he didn't want to go in bed with the people he met, and he did it standing, which quite frankly quite disturbs me...)

The prurient in me finds this comment interesting. He seems to be as good as saying that it was only sexual curiosity that resulted in an anonymous knee-trembler that has caused this disturbance in both your lives. Are you really saying that you are concerned that he equates a bit of rubbing with a stranger on the same level as his deepest feelings for you? That really does need some discussion! I couldn't begin to unravel what's been going on in his head, but what if, for example, his escapades were motivated to some degree by the need to find out whether for him being a top was important enough before taking the risk of asking you to do something he felt would make you uncomfortable? Misguided, perhaps, but obsessions make us all do odd things at times.

I know I write too much at (most ) times, but I hope something someone has said here offers a little hope and comfort. Again, all the best to you both.