the beginnings

[Beaux]

I didn't share details on my experiences because of the reaction and atmosphere it created and it's still(and will probably always be) a really, really sensitive subject for me.

But thank you, man, for sharing your story and your trauma. There are some really fucked up people in this world, I'm sorry that you too had to go through that. And I'm sorry that you were reminded.

When I read your original post, I thought how brave you were to share it. Later, reading some of the interactions you had with others concerning that one aspect of your post, I couldn't help but feel you have deeper associated feelings about the situation than you have specifically shared.
In fact, your telling of the story reminded me of a story an old friend told me about the first time he felt "different" when he was around 6 and showering with his father. Not so much the story itself, but the casual way it was dropped into the post. When I asked my friend to elaborate on how his incident made him feel, he became very angry and almost seemed desperate to change the subject.
Being a sexual abuse survivor has a lot more facets to it than most people would assume. Often, we question our own role in the abuse, and feel deep seated guilt over having had feelings of pleasure from the abuse.
To illustrate: when I was around 9 years old, my next door neighbor came home crying to her mother that a neighbor further down the road had brought her into his house and showed her "dirty pictures" and fondled her. The next day, I went to that neighbors house and asked him if he would show me the dirty pictures. He shut the door in my face, and for the next few years I lived with a deep feeling of shame over it. I wasn't ashamed that I had basically asked him to abuse me, I was ashamed that he had refused me. I was ashamed because I felt that I wasn't "good enough" for him to want to abuse.
In his telling of the shower story, I saw something of my own shame in his reaction to my questions and his desire to change the subject.
Just thought I would share.
Peace,
~Beaux