Why can't I get any dates?

[Steve]

Hi,

Hello Seth. I'll be blunt, but not cruel. I nearly always try to tell the people who post sincere questions that I care about their well being. If I didn't, I wouldn't respond to your post. Still, fair warning, I like the hard truth.

I've currently been in a very long drought of dating and sexual activity. My last real dating relationship was two years ago, which was very happy for me and lasted 5 months.

Plateaus happen for everyone, sexual, dating, or employment. The first relationship was a good start. Learn from the memories of being happy. Happy memories remind us that the bad times don't last forever.

After that I entered into mostly sexual relationship with another guy. This one was very intermittent for a year and eventually ended a few months ago when he went away to college. During this time I only went on a single real date with another guy (last Valentine's), it resulted in some cuddling but he didn't want to go on more dates. I think I didn't try to get more dates because my sexual urges were well satisfied (from the FWB), but even so I still had no luck when I tried to get dates.

Another plateau. Going from serious relationship to serious relationship doesn't give people the time to decompress from the leftover meatloaf of the previous meal. Understanding your sexual needs were met and thus little dating was needed seems like a sound self analysis. You understand yourself very well in many ways. I'll ask this: Is a relationship so important to you that you can't find other ways to fulfill your time and make yourself happy?

So now I've graduated college and did not have a great end of the year. I've been living at home in my parents' basement (yup I know) simply because I'm dirt poor and cannot yet afford to live by myself. I'm also very bad at socialization and networking, so I do not even have friends to room with which would make living out in a city much more affordable.

Due respect, this reeks of self pity and a lack of motivation. There are answers staring you in the face. Congratulations on graduation. This means that you are supposedly smart now. Getting a good job requires both socialization and networking skills. Don't rely on luck or that a magic job will appear before your eyes. There is no such thing a a job genie.

I only recently have begun my first paid job since last summer (a week ago). Things are even more depressing when almost all my friends / people that I know are all living by themselves well off in big cities like New York City and have well paying jobs ($60,000+), so it hurts my confidence a lot and also challenges my self perception.

From you tone it sounds like this first job is not what your desire. You are being given advise by someone more familiar with depression than your average bear, Boo Boo. Yours is temporary. Envy is a healthy normal response when faced with temptations from outside sources. Envy resulting in depression is a recipe for jealousy. No one wears that shade of green well. BTW, envy is non productive and often an illusion. What you believe you desire from a distance is often not what you would want if you were aware of all the facts. People usually show the best side of themselves; what lay beneath is probably complicated with detail you would not covet. If you have the credentials, take action. Look for a job with the pay scale you desire. No one is going to do it for you. Use your friends in the city. There is no shame in asking for assistance.

But even when I lived at school and had my own room and was making a fair bit of money, I still couldn't get any dates. In fact I never actually dated anyone from my university in my four years. Isn't that incredible? I'd just get ignored or told that I was confused when I would ask. When I say dated I mean went on more than a single date that resulted in some kind of relationship (even friendship).

Move out of your parents basement and privacy issues toward dating will resolve. Make no mistake, even if your parents accept your sexuality, it is a different beast to bring a guy home, especially if you intend intimacy. Not dating anyone at university in four years strongly leads me to believe your priorities lay elsewhere. Men and women hellbent on dating, date. I'm sure you know the women at university exclusively hunting for their Mrs. degree. Believe me, there is no shortage of hormonal men at college. Normal dating patterns consist of one night trysts. You have to kiss a lot of frogs to find the prince fit for a relationship. Withholding your friendship from casual dates speaks to your ability to use good judgement. Not every Tom, Dick, and Harry is worth investing the time to cultivate a friendship.

Now I am not gorgeous or an apollo but I do not think I am hideously ugly either and at least considered cute by some folk. My body is also decently toned as well. However I certainly never stand out physically (rather short) and am very socially awkward when in groups.

You have a good handle on your appearance. Not standing out in groups and social awkwardness bespeak self confidence issues. If you don't believe in yourself no one else will either. That applies to job interviews as well.

But I am certainly not a terrible boyfriend or inexperienced in sex/love/relationships; when I was a freshman I was in a serious relationship for a year that only ended because my boyfriend basically moved out of the country and it became impossible to maintain.

I am not confused. Either you didn't date all four years at university, or when you were a freshman you had a year long serious relationship with a guy who moved out of the country. In addition at the beginning of this post you stated that your last real relationship was two years ago, yet you just finished university. Did you take breaks? Explain.

I also do pretty awesome things; for my last boyfriend (who lived far away during the breaks) I took a flight to his home and surprised him, staying with him for over a week. That was one of my best memories when answered the doorbell. I also once got a date when I handed a guy a piece of paper with my phone number (I introduced myself and stuff of course).

You have great dating etiquette. Remembering to maintain the romance with bestowed gifts of time and money are thoughtful and generous on your part. Have awareness whether these gestures are wanted. Some guys feel smothered by intense romantic gestures. You are not to blame; you're intentions are well meaning. Sometimes men are simply emotionally overwhelmed too easily. It is easy to miss if your partner doesn't want you to see his discomfort. In addition, giving someone your name and phone number on a sheet of paper is called a trick sheet. Essentially it means you're interested in sex, not necessarily a long term relationship. This makes me wonder whether you are confusing men's intent toward you.

Now I know there are plenty of guys who are in a similar living situation as me but of course they still get dates, etc. though obviously it's not really ideal. Also, there are lots of guys I know whom I'd consider not very attractive yet are doing pretty well.

Ideal equates to perfection, or at a minimum, near perfection. Most men will fall short of this measure. Those you consider unattractive yet still date regularly have self confidence. The ability to be comfortable in your own skin and let it show is an attractive quality.

So what could I be doing wrong? Why isn't anyone interested in me or responding to my date requests / ignoring me? Is there additional information I can provide that could help in answering my problem so I can work on changing things so I can have an actual love life again?

Self confidence will attract others to you. The trick is finding someone with a level of self confidence that matches your own. Be aware of a potential date's comfort level. Some guys will run if the gifts you give them are too lavish; it probably appears to them that you have a more intense level of commitment to the relationship than they are comfortable with, nor ready for. Gain self confidence, find the place you want to live, the job you want, and learn to be comfortable around people and project that feeling.

Good Luck Seth. Don't allow my demeanor to discourage you from asking for help. Many people here will offer great advise. And you're always welcome.
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