Being Gay

[Emiliano]

I think that MAYBE I'd be different if I were straight, but that it would come more from the media I was raised on that trained me how to think of myself and place in the world. I'll try to explain, but I realized a lot of this in retrospect so that's how I'm going to show it. (Btw, I'm female.)

While I was fine with guys, I never found the idea of being married to one appealing, and the romantic angles of Disney movies didn't hook me in as much as it did other kids. So as other girls played House and with dolls, and focused on the media aimed at them which featured being with guys (even as young as 5-6, we watched cartoons as Jem in which boyfriends were an important part, and of course Disney movies like The Little Mermaid played heavily into this theme), and the old fairy tale of patient, enduring love turning the Beast into a Prince in which she is forever rewarded continues in shows and books aimed at girls to varying degrees, where her primary purpose is to look good and get the guy.

But at age 6 I got shunned by the girls so I hung with the boys and the media aimed at them that I was hit with was a lot different for the most part. Furthermore, as marriage didn't interest me I focused on the more fantastic elements and checked out books about witches and wizards and the like that would eventually turn into an interest with scifi/fantasy where there's a much more progressive view of females (even Isaac Asimov could show this back in the 1950s). Speaking of which, these tended to be friendly to gay characters as well (though rare at the time). It didn't go out of its way to be like that, but that made it even more effective as it showed males and females as mostly interchangeable, and romance/marriage was as equally important (or unimportant) to both of them. A female's value was more in her heart and mind than her crotch, and she was a valued member of the team. And no one in the story saw this as strange or remarkable.

I think I was 12 when I read Z for Zachariah which was really intense for me, and it included the struggle of a teenage girl to resist a grown male where as far as they know they're the only survivors after a nuclear war. She'd been living just fine by herself with her dog and saves a scientist, and he repays her by dominating her and trying to force her to help him repopulate the earth which set off a power struggle. It's one of many that I think shaped my character. In contrast, other girls were reading The Babysitter Club, Sweet Valley High, or even books by VC Andrews.

It's also worth noting that as I was often raised by dysfunctional alcoholic parents (when not with my grandmother) I often read a lot more than I probably would've (to escape), and that not only gave me an improved vocabulary, but also a lot more time imagining myself as one of the independent women in the stories who had other things on my mind than getting a ring on my finger (the way my dad once put a ring on my mom's finger as they yelled and sometimes became violent with each other, hardly something to aspire to).

That continued, and I became someone who wondered who I wanted to be rather than who I wanted to marry, and one to figure out how to do things for myself. That, combined with the upbringing with boys (though I wasn't shunned by girls permanently, I never fully immersed back in girl world either) made me quite the tomboy. I didn't focus on cosmetics or fashion or marriage, nor defined my self-worth by having a guy to orbit (or to make orbit me).

At first I thought it was a quality of being gay, though I could see gay women who were very much like straight women in attitudes, and I also saw straight women (and also asexuals) who were also independent and a lot like me. These were the exceptions to the rule, but there were enough of them to make me wonder why. I finally noticed that the gay women who were "like straight women" (and love all that Twilight and 50 Shades of Grey crap, though they might try to subvert it into a "lesbian version") were often raised on the same media as straight girls, whereas the straight and asexual women were almost always raised on scifi/fantasy like me, or on academic works. So I do believe I'm different because of the media I was raised on, and had I been interested in guys then I likely would've chosen a different media, and become like many straight women...I might even find 50 Shades of Grey compelling rather than disgusting (not the sex or BDSM but the abuse and manipulation, and just how pathetic Ana is, just like Bella, that female readers are supposed to project herself into).

That said, it's a bit more complicated. For example, I think I was shunned by girls because the parents of those girls made it happen over my parents being dysfunctional alcoholics. Likewise, I spent a lot of time being raised by an independent grandmother who was never married in her life who I admired while not wanting to be like Mom and Dad. It's possible I could be like one of those "rare straight women" and thus be a lot like I am today, even if I were straight.

And I know it's not just the media (which I mean to include written works as much as anything else), but it's an important factor, especially when there's not much of a close extended family anymore and both parents often working--even if they avoid the media, the kids around them aren't, and many adults promote the same message anyway without even trying.

That was very interesting to read, thanks for taking the time to share all of it. What you said really makes sense. When I think about the books I read growing up and the things I watched and the role models I had for myself, those are major influences on how I am today and I relate with the world, or the kinds of behaviors and patterns in others and the broader society I'm sort of tuned into.

But of course the things that are targeted at boys are different from the things targeted at girls. So I can't directly relate with rejecting the things targeted at my gender. For me I was always drawn more to how race is displayed than gender. But I see what you are saying in how my sisters and female friends have takes about social pressures and expectations. My sisters are all girly girls who always had boyfriends, always felt that looking good was the most important thing. But I'm friends with a few butch girls who have talked about the other side of it.

What I find really fascinating is the last thing you said too, how adults promote the same message that we often see in terms of gender roles, without meaning to, or even realizing it. Combined with what [MENTION=18508]East[/MENTION] said, you both got me really thinking on some things right now - thank you for that.