Being Gay

[Emiliano]

You really wanna hear the whole story?

The physical aversion started from very early on. When I was 4, 5, or 6 years old. My mom used to take me to the sauna with her and other females, her friends, back then. It was uncomfortable for me, and I hated it. I remember I was disgusted with the female body and the way it looked already back then. And to have it touch me was even worse. Nauseating. You'd have to ask I don't know who why it was repulsion that I felt then, instead of something more positive. There are two options, in a situation like that, either your reaction is positive or it's negative (okay, neutral maybe exists as well). All I remember mine was strongly negative.

Why do you think that was so for a child like that?

Intellectually, I do concede that there is a number of females who are intellectually decent to have a conversation with. I can't stand the obvious barbie-doll-brain types (i think you know what I mean), but women aren't all like that and it is insulting to reduce them all to that level. Although, even though I understand this, I have no respect for women. Although I said that intellectually some of them are not that bad, I feel no respect for them either way. That probably plays a huge part in this. (I don't know why this is. When I was growing up, I was not, in fact, taught to be respectful of women. Not even my mom was respectful of other females, in fact, she was the opposite. I don't know how much that influenced me, and I am not explaining my disrespect with that, but thought I should mention, since you wanted to know it all).

But here's the key -- I feel no emotional connection to women whatsoever. It's completely missing. With men I am emotionally very much involved and connected to, it's obvious to me. And it's deep and intense, rich in texture, it's everything I love. With women it's not even there on the level of friendship. It leaves me completely cold. Even though having an exchange with certain females wouldn't be so bad intellectually, I'm simply not bothered to. Because of the fact that there is no emotional component, the exchange is dull and boring even if we're talking about a topic that interests me. There is no spark.

I should know because, I have, in fact, met a couple of females who I wouldn't even have minded to make friends of, because they were intelligent and decent people. But it's not there, it's boring to me, there's no drive, no connection, nothing.

So as it turns out, this emotional component is crucial to me in my social interactions with other people. And it's only there when I am with men. It has been, so far, 100% exclusive to males. I am that exclusive. I am 100% attracted to men, physically and emotionally. And I have come to like that about myself. My friends are all male, and in my daily life I near-exclusively only deal with males to the exclusion of females. I like that. It has become part of who I am, and what my life is like. I find it a positive side to my life, and I might be consciously and unconsciously reinforcing it where I can.

I am all entangled up in men, and it takes up all my energy and fascination with life; it is the most intense thing in my life. And it feels something beautiful. I do feel that introducing women to this world that I have ruins the symmetry/beauty of it for me.



So, does all that answer your curiosity?


PS. You made me type such a long post, I expect a cookie from you.

Thanks for taking the time to write it all out and I appreciate that you were willing to give some more insight into your world view. My curiosity is never completely answered, but at least I have a better understanding.

As for your cookie - a NYC classic: