I'm so goddamn lonely

[1145]

Well, I guess the worry about the "novelty" of dating men, is that maybe it will subside and I don't want to throw away a great relationship with a caring, patient girl. She's allowing me to see other people, and of course in that bargain she's free to as well, but she hasn't been. I have a favorable situation to explore confusing feelings, although I do feel guilty. I have went on some dates, and slept with a couple guys. I feel a little pressured that sex is expected so quickly, and it's not really my focus, although I do enjoy it. I guess I'm somewhat "demisexual" and need to have a connection before I really feel like it. I feel like I should break up with my girlfriend, or that she should have dumped me. But, I haven't been able to come to terms with that thought. I'm not yet convinced that I'm gay, and to be honest if I was, it would at least make the issue simple. I would have a clear attraction more towards men and would have to let my girlfriend go. But, as everything stands, I do feel attraction for her and it's being masked by this new exploration. It's so confusing to not be able to understand my own attractions. I can't even talk to her about this weird loneliness because she would be understandably upset. Although I have went on some dates and things, I haven't found a guy that I felt super connected with and wanted to progress further. She is forgiving and understanding but incapable of "scratching the itch" for whatever idea of homosexual connection I've imagined. We are close, but something unexplainable seems missing lately, and it's only become apparent to my after coming out. I felt very satisfied for years, even though I knew I liked men. It wasn't until I was able to be open about it that it started to become confusing.