How Do You Feel About Monogamy?

[TwisttheLeaf]

I don't think that monogamy is impossible. I just think that people enter into it too quickly and too lightly, with no real understanding of what it actually means.

I agree. I see so many guys desperate for a connection that they leap too quickly. They forget that compatibility goes far beyond just looks and a smile.

some guys use monogamy as a way to hold onto their partner, a sort of ironclad guarantee that they'll stay together.

I've seen this as well, and it's not limited to gay men.

I'm not into NSA and random hookups. On the other hand, I'm 22 years old and I don't see how I can promise a guy I've just met that it will be him and only him for the next 50+ years.

Monogamy doesn't mean you're promising a guy that you'll "be him and only him for the next 50+ years". It means that for as long as you're -with- him, you'll be monogamous... or discuss with him wanting a change if it happens at some point. It's not a life sentence, nor set in stone.

When I start dating someone, if the subject of monogamy comes up, I tell them that I usually date only one person at a time (lol these days with work and school I barely have time for one guy), but that I'm not ready to promise monogamy right away. I would need to date someone for quite a while and be very sure of my feelings before I did that.

I think this is a wise and very mature way to handle things, considering what you're looking for and how you feel.

What's interesting is that it seems to be a total turnoff for a lot of guys my age, while older guys are more inclined to respect the way I feel.

Younger guys that are seeking monogamy see it as a bright and shiny, flawless prize.
Older guys usually have enough experience under their belt to know it for the reality that it is, rather than the fairytale they want it to be.

I also don't think that monogamy is carved in stone. People change, relationships change. For instance, I really want to have a child someday. If I'm lucky enough to be in a stable relationship and able to do that, I would want monogamy while we were raising a child. Kids go through enough confusing shit in this world, at the very least they deserve a drama free zone at home. But things might be different before or after that period.

I think that this, also, is a very wise and mature outlook.

It seems to me that honesty and communication are the important things, and not promises that may or may not be workable in the long run.

Agreed.

Prior to meeting Gideon, I avoided anything beyond NSA like the plague, but I never doubted monogamy existed or that others could do it. Some people's minds and emotions are just "wired that way". Just because it wasn't for me didn't mean that it didn't exist, or that others couldn't be happy within it.

When I met [MENTION=20938]Gideon[/MENTION], things changed. For the first time in my life, my focus seemed to hone in on one person and I just couldn't -see- anyone else anymore. This has never changed in eight years. I can look at plenty of women and men and say "yeah, that's hot", and yet it's only Gid that can get my motor running... and he can do it with just a glance.

From what I understand, he feels the same way. If anything? He's even MORE obsessed.... I'd estimate it to be about 3x more, actually.

And yet, we still talked about the "what ifs". We still agreed to each other that if anything ever -did- change, or either of us felt a waning of interest, or a temptation to stray, that we'd discuss it with each other BEFORE we go act on those temptations.